When the Wolves are Biting at Your Toes
by Kajakat


This was the second shift in a row that Johnny's tossing and turning in his bed awakened Roy.  Normally, Johnny would fall asleep on his back with his left arm covering his face.  It amazed Roy how quickly Johnny could fall asleep.  Somewhere Roy read if someone fell asleep like that it meant they were sleep deprived.  Funny, Roy never thought of Johnny as sleep deprived.  But on the other hand, Johnny was a single adult male and Roy couldn't imagine how Johnny spent his off shift nights and with whom.

Roy, lying on his back, drummed his fingers on his chest.  Something was obviously bothering his partner.  The question was either to approach him now and perhaps the two would get some sleep, or let the situation settle itself.  As Roy was internally debating over whether to approach Johnny or not, Gage sat up in bed, put on his bunkerpants, but left the suspenders hanging over his hips and headed toward the kitchen.

The light remained off, as Johnny blindly knew where to go, to the refrigerator for milk and a cupboard for a glass.  He put the two items down on the table and sat down.  He supported his head with his hands, elbows bent leaning on the table. 

Johnny's eyes were opened but he wasn't seeing; his ears were alert, but he wasn't hearing.  He was thirsty, but didn't have the energy to pour the milk into his glass.

During this time, Roy hoped Johnny would have some milk and cookies and return to bed, for much needed sleep.  A fireman never knew when the next call would be and would need as much energy as possible.  It's true over time, a fireman might learn to 'cheat' his body and pull from reserves, adrenaline, whatever source one had to draw from.  After sometime, even those tricks don't work.  That was it.  Roy decided to find his wayward partner and find out what was wrong.  At least he could have the conversation in the kitchen, away from the little fireman with big ears.

Roy put on his bunkerpants and joined Johnny in the kitchen.  What he saw startled him.  Johnny was staring out into space with an empty glass in front of him.  Silently Roy went to the cupboard and took a glass for himself.

"Mind if I join you?"  Roy asked as he pulled out one of the wooden chairs.

Johnny didn't answer but watched his friend sit down.  Roy took the milk and filled both glasses and took a sip from his glass.

"What's bothering you Johnny?  You haven't been yourself for the last two shift and probably in between."

Johnny looked down at the table and replied, "the wolves are biting at my toes."  It was said without any emotions and Johnny stared at the glass in front of him.

Roy repeated Johnny's statement then for no reason looked down at Johnny's feet.  "I don't see any wolves there."  A smile came across Roy's face trying to lighten Johnny's somber mood.

Johnny shifted in his chair and slowly spun the glass around the table.  "It's an old adage Roy."

"It's an Indian saying?"

Johnny laughed, "no, actually it's a Russian saying."

Roy just shook his head to acknowledge Johnny's answer.  "And what does it mean?"

Johnny stopped playing with the milk and leaned back in the chair.  He rubbed his face with his right hand.  His brown eyes opened wide as he answered Roy's question.  "It means all of life's problems are making an uninvited visit.  It usually, but not always, happens at night.  Ya know you're sleepin' and wake up and everything that's been botherin' you floods into your brain.  The wolves keep bitin' your toes and you can't get back to sleep.  You got ten toes, so once they leave one toe alone, another toe gets nipped."  The weary man leaned his head back on his hands.

This was very serious to Roy.  Firstly, Johnny never spoke of the grimness in his life.  And worse, Roy didn't know what to say and even if he could help him.  But Johnny was his best friend and Roy wanted to help.

Trying to keep his tone light, Roy took this approach.  "Which toes are the wolves going after?"  Roy smiled and in doing so, caused Johnny to smile.

"Roy, there are things in my life I thought I woulda accomplished by now."

"Like what?"

Johnny shrugged his shoulders.  "I dunno."

Roy laughed.  This was typical Gage doubletalk.  Saying one thing but not delving into it.  Roy had been through this several times with Johnny but never on such a serious topic.

"All right Johnny, you're 28 years old.  What did you think you'd have done by now?" 

Johnny shrugged his shoulders.  "I guess I thought I'd own my own home instead of rentin' an apartment."

"You've got money saved.  You probably have enough for a down payment and I'm sure a bank would approve you for a mortgage.  Your job is steady and you've been at it for what now seven years?"

Johnny looked at his buddy.  'How could he come up with an answer so fast?' Johnny thought.

Softly, Johnny continued, "an' I thought I'd be married by now."

Roy took the lull in the conversation to drink some milk and was startled by that comment.  He nearly blurted the milk out all over the table.  "I never got the feeling you wanted to get married, Johnny."  But then Roy remembered Valarie; the one everyone was glad got away.  That was the first time Johnny ever considered a commitment and mentioned that dreaded 'M' word.  Any other time a girl was serious about Johnny, he'd find a way to get dumped by her.  Roy, having been involved with JoAnne from a very early age, really didn't have the experience or advice to offer his friend.  But maybe that's not what Johnny wanted.  True, men always wanted to fix things whether it was broken shingles on a roof or broken hearts.  However, every rare once in awhile, the injured heart may just want a friend to listen and not offer advice.  Roy sat back in his chair and didn't say a word or offer any advice.

The quiet became uneasy, as both men didn't know what to say to the other.  But since Johnny brought it up, he felt obligated to continue.  "When I was a kid I'd complain to my mom about life and ya know what she'd say?  She said, she lost the user's manual for me and she was just wingin' it.  I guess what she was tryin' to tell me that there was no set schedule for things to happen in my life, or anyone's life in general.  Things just happen, whether it's by fate or by fault, life happens.  It may not be on my schedule, but if it's meant to happen, it'll happen."

This was about as serious as John Gage ever got outside his professional life.  And it was difficult for Roy to help.  Maybe Johnny just needed someone to listen.  Either way, the conversation was over as Johnny pushed back from the table and returned the glass to the dish drain.  He slowly made his way back to this bunk, removed his pants and got into his bed.  Roy quickly followed.

It took about ten minutes, but Roy concluded that Johnny fell asleep.  But now those wolves were biting at Roy's toes, as Roy was thinking about what Johnny confided in him.  Thankfully it was a quiet night and the squad and engine company didn't have any calls to disturb them.

Roy didn't see Johnny leave the next day and figured, his younger friend had things on his mind and just needed to get away from the station as quickly as possible.  Roy didn't take it personally, as he knew all of Johnny's quirks and he even liked some of them.

Roy knew he had to do figure out what to do before the next shift.  The way his partner was going Roy feared his health might be in jeopardy.  Only time would tell if Johnny's mood improved, but that didn't mean Roy could have a little hand in it.

The next time A-Shift got together was two days later.  Roy noticed that Johnny was still keeping to himself and not partaking in the normal firehouse banter.  And shadows were prevalent under Johnny's eyes.  Roy knew what to do and how to put his plan to action prior to lights out.

The men were washing and shaving and doing their nightly rituals before turning in.  Johnny walked back to his bunk alone and noticed a strange object sitting on his pillow.  He picked it up and looked at Roy who was already in his own bed.

"Garlic?"

My grandmother used garlic to keep the werewolves away.  Maybe this will help you.

After hearing Roy's silly story, and knowing Roy's grandmother was never in eastern Europe, Johnny let out a deep laugh, the kind of laugh that feels good cause you haven't laughed like that in some time.

A huge grin appeared on Johnny's face as the cap turned the lights off.  Johnny took the garlic and placed it by his toes.  He lay on his back, put his left arm over his eyes and fell to sleep.

Both he and Roy wondered if this little trick would help and only time would tell.