If I Could Turn Back Time Part I (authors' note: We know it's been some time since we updated this series. Real life just got in the way. Instead of waitng to post the story all it once, we decided to post it a chapter at a time. We hope that we'll get our goal, to complete this series, accomplished.) By Betty and Kajakat Johnny didn't drive home. He headed as far away as he could from the pain these last couple of days had caused him. He needed reassurance and there was only person who could give it to him. He drove to Hollywood, to an old section of homes and cottages. He hadn't been to her home in over ten years, but he couldn't miss it. The tiny garden in the front still had rose bushes of all colors. That brought a bittersweet smile to his face. He parked the rover at the end of the block. He needed to gather his thoughts before seeing her. He covered his face with his hands, elbows leaning on the steering wheel. "Enough." Johnny said to no one. He opened the door to his car and got out. Slowly he walked to the fourth cottage down from where he parked. He felt as if he aged ten years in the past week. When he got to the gate, he opened it. The mixture of rose essence made him sneeze, as it did so many years ago. He walked up to the door and rang the bell. "Coming," said a voice from the other side of the door. Footsteps followed the voice and approached the door. It opened and a woman in her late sixties, with gray hair braided down her back, opened the door. When she saw the man standing in front of her, she raised her hand to her mouth. She dropped the towel she had in her hand. "Hello Irene." Johnny said. "Johnny, my Johnny. Come in." Johnny entered the petite woman's home and followed her into her tiny living room. "Johnny, Johnny, oh my god, Johnny you're here." Irene said as the two stood in the living room. "Sit down, please." Johnny didn't do what he was told. The two looked at one another. Johnny noticed how much Irene aged since he saw her last. She looked at him and noticed the salt and pepper flaked hair shortly cropped. She reached up to touch it. Johnny smiled and then put his arms around her and hugged her. The unconditional love between the two precluded the need for words. After two minutes, they sat down on Irene's couch. She held his hands in hers. She held his hands in hers and, looking into his face, saw the trouble etched in his features. "It really must be bad if you're coming to see your Aunt, Johnny Gage." He lowered his head. "Yes, Irene it's bad." She moved closer to him and put her arm around his shoulder. "Tell me Johnny, tell me what's so bad to bring you back here?" Johnny broke down and cried into the arms of the woman who took him in when Poplar could no longer be his home. She held him as she did many years ago when he was a rebellious teenager trying to come to terms with life. Although he cried, he didn't offer a reason for his tears. Once his sobs quieted down Johnny lifted his head to speak to his aunt. "I'm thinking of going to Poplar." Irene was surprised. Even she hadn't been back to Poplar in over twenty years. "Why? Johnny." "My wife and I want to adopt a baby. And at my age it's my only recourse, except a private adoption. An' I can't afford that. I've already spoken to two of the elders to determine what my reception would be and both thought my request would be well received." "Johnny that should be good news. Why are you troubled." Johnny lowered his head into his hands. "My wife was raped, Irene by a man much younger than me." "Oh dear. It's history repeating itself." Now Irene understood why Johnny cried. "I know. But you know from the letters I've sent you that Jenny and I can't have children of our own. At least that part of history won't repeat." Johnny stood up and put his hands in his jeans. "I'm lost Irene. This man said things about me that I fear are true." He looked away from his aunt's gaze. "Johnny, they are only true if you believe they're true. You'd don't have to tell me what he said. But I think that believing them is leading you to self-doubt. When that happened last time, you ran away from Poplar and came here. You can't run away Johnny. You have a wife and a child and a life here. Maybe you do need to go to Poplar to confront your demons there. Maybe then you'll be able to conquer your demons here." Irene stood up and hugged her nephew. "Would you like me to make some coffee?" Johnny nodded in agreement. "Then you can show me pictures of your baby girl and tell me some more stories about her." As she said she would do, Irene made coffee and the two sat and talked about little things. Johnny told Irene about Kaitlin and how much joy she brought him. He also told Irene about JoAnne's miscarriage and how that led to second thoughts about adoption. Deep down in his heart, he always wanted a large family, similar to the one he grew up in. At his age he knew that was impossible, but at least another child could happen. "Do you still keep in touch with Uncle Denny?" "Yes, Johnny. And your Uncle Jason too. Both watch the ranch with their sons. You know she still lives there. Denny and Jason look after her too." "I expected that." Johnny's statement was cold and matter of fact. "When you go to Poplar you'll see her, you know." "I know. I expect that too." "Does your wife and family know about her? What am I saying? Of course not. They don't even know about me." Johnny blushed. "It's just…" "Johnny you don't have to explain to me. Remember I'm the one who ran away too, coming to Los Angeles. You owe me no explanation." Johnny took a sip of coffee and bit into a chocolate chip cookie. "Going home won't be easy, Johnny. Why do you think I've never been back to Poplar?" "I don't know Irene. Why haven't you?" "Because I didn't agree with what happened there. So Dad said if I didn't like it I could leave. and I did and never looked back. Sort of like you John Roderick." "Yeah, but I never knew. At least you knew what was going on." "I know, Johnny, but it wasn't my place to tell you." "But those bastards at school? It was their place?" Johnny was getting upset and raised his voice. Irene banged her fist on the table. "I never tolerated you raising your voice to me when you lived her and I won't tolerate it now." Johnny grabbed Irene's hand that slammed the table, brought it to his lips and kissed it. "Sorry, Irene." "Johnny, you have many devils chasing you and until you meet them face to face you won't be at peace. Maybe going back to Poplar is a good idea. And you shouldn't hide these things from your wife and family. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't your fault." "I know, Irene, and everything you say makes sense on one level. But when it comes to the family I can't be rational. That's why I don't have any contact with Denny or Jason or Esther." Irene grabbed Johnny's hand and held it tight. "Johnny, it wasn't Esther's fault either. She didn't know any better." Old wounds die hard and Johnny couldn't forget, much less forgive. He looked at his watch. "I better get back to my wife. She probably thinks I went to murder the sonovabith who assaulted her. As much as I want to kill him, I will let the fates handle him." Johnny stood up followed by Irene. They walked to her door, went outside, and stood in the small yard. Irene picked up a pair of shears from a gardening table near the door. "Why don't you cut some of the roses and bring them to your wife." Johnny took the shears from her hand and cut three stems. He returned the shears and hugged her. "Once this mess is over, Irene, I'll have you out to my home so you can meet everyone." "I'd like that John Roderick. I'd like that very much. After one more hug and kiss, Johnny left her gated home and slowly walked back to his car. He decided then and there to take a leave of absence from his job so he could take Jenny and Kaitlin to Poplar, Montana to adopt a child and meet his mother. *** Johnny drove home. He brought the roses to his face and inhaled. The red and pink roses gave off a light, sweet smell. The memories came back. The day he landed at LAX he was so afraid of the big city. Irene met him at the airport gate. They didn't speak about why he was in Los Angeles and not Poplar. That would come later. But for now, Irene, who he once believed was his sister, was going to take care of him. He dismissed his thoughs of the past as he arrived home. Taking a deep breath he walked to the door and opened it. The house was quiet. Kaitlin was at daycare, but Jenny's car was in the driveway. Johnny went to the kitchen and took out a small sheer blue vase. He filled it up with water and placed the three roses in it. With the vase in hand he went looking for Jennifer. He found her sitting on the floor outside her closet. Shoes were strewn about the floor. When she got nervous, she cleaned and the closet was her target. Johnny smiled seeing her sitting there. She must have sensed him watching her so she looked up. She was about to give him hell for the stunt he pulled, but when she saw the roses, she smiled. He handed them to her as a peace offering. Jenny started to stand up and Johnny let out his hand to help her. "These are beautiful." Jenny inhaled the aroma. "They remind me of the bouquet you bought me on our first date." A wicked grin appeared on her face. "Do you remember that night?" He blushed. Of course he remembered that night. It was a defining moment for him, as was the day he was shot. In retrospect he had no control of his life either of those days. But the outcome was so different. Holding Jenny's hand, he led her to their bed. "Jen, I need to tell you something." He looked into her eyes and saw the concern. He took the vase from her hand and placed it on her night table. He then held both of her hands. "I think you know what I wanted to do today. You may think you know why, but you don't. You don't know about my life before I came to Los Angeles. I know you've wanted to know but I never told you. And you respected my wishes, for which I can never thank you enough." He stood up and walked toward the window. "I think it's time I tell you about my family and what happened in Poplar that forced me to leave and why I've hesitated about going back." Jenny remained quiet. She knew if she were to say anything, Johnny would discount what he was going to say with some silly remark and this conversation would be over. He turned around and looked at her. Once he started the story, there would be no way to stop. But she was his wife and it was time she should know. He walked back to the bed and sat down, leaning on the headboard. "My mother's name is Esther. I have an Aunt Irene and two uncles, Denny and Jason. Denny is the oldest, followed by Irene, then Jason and finally Esther. Irene lives here in Los Angeles." Shock registered on Jenny's face. "But Denny, Jason and Esther still live in Poplar." He took a deep breath knowing the hard part of the story was beginning. "That's how things are now, but when I was growing up, my grandparents raised me as their own. They didn't tell me I was their grandchild. I was told I was their child, their little accident." He laughed. "I believed it. Esther was only fourteen years older than me. I thought that Denny, Jason, Irene and Esther were my brothers and sisters. When I was in High School I found out the truth, that Esther was my mother. When I confronted my 'parents' they confirmed the story that they were my grandparents and Esther was my mother. I couldn't trust anyone any longer and gave them all a hard time. Irene had already settled in Los Angeles and I was sent here to finish High School and figure out what I wanted to do." He ran his hand through his hair, took a breath and continued the story. "No one ever knew who my father was. And Esther would never say. You see my birth mother, Esther, is autistic. Back then, that term wouldn't have been used. She was called many harsh terms like 'the village idiot', 'dummy'. I think you know what I mean. It was one thing to hear those words about someone you thought was your sister, but then find out they were referring to my mother, well, I just lost it. Irene later told me that my family figured Esther was raped and I was the product of that violation. I think you can imagine how my world turned upside down after hearing the truth." Johnny stopped talking. He was looking out the window as he told this story, remembering those days when he was a teenager. He was in the past, not the present. When he realized his mind was wandering again, he stopped. Jen's hand was near his, so he took hold of it. She saw this as a sign and snuggled up against him. When she was comfortable, Johnny resumed. "I didn't trust anyone. My brothers were now my uncles. My sister Irene was my aunt, and my mother, Esther, was unaware. And the cruelest part was that my parents were my grandparents. They already raised their family and had to deal with a baby all over again. They were in their fifties when I was born, so the joke about an accident made sense. I can't imagine how my grandparents convinced my aunt and uncles to hide this secret. How ashamed they must have been of Esther, but how could they be? She didn't know. When she started gaining weight and saying she wasn't feeling well, my parents figured something happened. When the doctors determined she was pregnant, they told my grandparents that the pregnancy should be aborted. Without knowing who the father was the doctors feared the baby, me, would be deformed or something worse. What they were trying to say was that I could be autistic just like her." Johnny stopped and saw so many questions in Jenny's eyes. "Jen I know you have questions, but don't ask me, at least not yet. This isn't easy for me to tell anyone. No one knows this. Not Roy. Only you. You're my wife, my love, and if I can't share this with you, then my vows mean nothing. And I know I should have told this to you years ago, but I've learned to hide this secret. Everyone was ashamed of Esther and by default me, so I hid the truth." Johnny started stroking Jen's hair, keeping her body tight against his. He needed her now. He needed to feel the safety that this woman, many years his junior, freely offered. "My grandparents were anti-abortion and told the doctors that this baby would be born and they would raise it. Remember back in the 1950s, the medical advances that we take for granted didn't exist. Abortions existed if there was medical grounds that the pregnancy threatened the life of the mother, but my grandparents stood their ground. There was no testing to determine the health of babies in utero. Since my grandmother raised four children, she knew she could raise another one. The only wildcard was not knowing who the father was. My grandparents had their suspicions, but nothing was ever proved. And Esther wasn't talking." Johnny paused. "I guess I should tell you a bit about Esther. Although she's autistic, she is higher functioning. She can speak and do tasks. But Denny, Jason and their children take care of her. Esther is considered an idiot savant. An idiot savant is a person with autism that has extraordinary skills in certain domains in spite of cognitive deficiencies in most others, if I remember my medical definitions. Again back in the 1950s she wasn't called that. I can't even begin to remember what she was called, but I grew up hearing those terms and defended my 'sister'. You have to realize that I found out the truth when I was in high school, but growing up I had no idea. My uncles were my brothers. My aunt was my sister and Esther was Esther. I grew up in a loving family, except for Esther. She couldn't relate to me as a child. She was the youngest and had no experience with children. She wasn't mean to me. She just didn't deal with me. And I didn't care as I had Denny, Jason and Irene to keep me busy." Again Johnny paused collecting his thoughts. "I know I'm going all over the place with this. When I was born there were fears that I was 'sick' like her, but I was a normal baby, although Chet would argue with that." Johnny paused with a slight laugh. "I showed no signs of any mental illness. There was no way Esther could raise me. She showed no interest in me. She was a bit curious but didn't connect the fact that I came from her. But she lost interest and went back working on her projects. Esther's area of skill was working with wood. She would carve beautiful intricate art pieces. I think that's how she supports herself now." Johnny stopped, trying to focus his thoughts in one direction. "I went to school and never knew anything was different. My 'parents' were older then my friends' parents, but it didn't bother me. If my 'dad' couldn't do stuff with me Denny or Jason could. Everything seemed normal to me, although my 'parents' were slowing down and my older brothers and sisters were moving on. Irene was the first to leave. I remember a terrible argument, but I don't remember what it was about. And Irene never told me. By the end of that week, Irene left for Los Angeles. Denny got married but stayed near by. Life went on and I went to high school. That's when the insulting comments about Esther started. And that's when I learned that Esther was my mother. Some creep told me. I didn't believe him and we fought. I got suspended from school for three days for fighting. When my 'parents' found out, they hung their heads in shame. I guess they thought their secret would be safe. Or maybe they planned to tell me when they considered me old enough. I'll never know. But after that suspension was lifted, I got into other fights. The slurs about Esther were now being said to me. I fought back, but got beat up mostly. The school suggested I sit the rest of the year out. My 'parents' wouldn't hear of it. But there was no place I could go. That's when Irene offered to take care of me. I was shipped off to live with her. Jen, I had no say in the situation and I didn't like it. I guess you know I'm a control kinda guy and here I was being shipped away. Everything I knew in my life was a lie. I left Poplar and swore never to go back. And I didn't return except when my grandparents died. Those are the only times I saw Denny, Jason and Esther. Irene was a different story. She helped me find my place here in LA. I finished high school here and went into the academy. I found my calling and never looked back." The room became quiet without Johnny speaking. Jenny was absorbing everything she heard. Now she understood so many things about him and especially why having another child at his age scared him. And returning to Poplar, the town where his life was defined, must truly terrify him. Then there was the rape. She could tell it brought back all the stories he'd heard about what his mother went through. Strange that throughout Johnny's story, he never called Esther 'mom'. Jenny kept quiet, holding her questions for another time. Opening these wounds was difficult for him and Jenny didn't want to add to his pain. They'd talk later, but right now, she thought her husband was exhausted by the revelations of the last few moments. She wanted him to feel safe and not go through any questioning. She stayed in the crook of his arm. His breathing became more regular so she knew he'd fallen asleep. She gently removed herself from his hold and hoped not to wake him. She looked at him sleeping there. Dried tears lined his face, but he also looked at peace, as if revealing this information to her eased some of the anger and shame he held inside for all these years. Johnny slept but Jenny didn't. After his confession, Jenny didn't know how to approach the issue. She knew she had to put her own needs aside to be there for her husband. She realized how immature she had been all these years putting her wants before his. When she thought about it, it was always that way. In fact she grew up with Johnny giving her almost everything she wanted. She knew no other way. With this realization her wedding vows had more of an impact on her and she resolved to support this man she'd married in any way she could. If he didn't want to adopt a baby now or in the future, she would live with it. Emotions overcame her and she realized how much she really loved her husband. |