Sins of our Fathers by Kajakat & B Stull Johnny watched the baby as she played with a teething toy.  The baby, Randi, looked more and more like a Gage with every passing day.  Her hair and eyes remained dark, which complimented her tawny complexion.  Her twin brother, Kevin, was looking more like a DeSoto as time went on.  His hair was strawberry blonde and he had exquisite blue eyes, just like his father.  People had a difficult time believing that Randi and Kevin were twins, but no one could doubt JoAnne and Roy faithfulness.  People joked that the babies were switched at birth.  Other folks just chalked it up to recessive genes. Johnny walked over to Randi and picked her up.  Seeing Johnny, who was a constant at the DeSoto's house since the babies were born, Randi babbled joyfully.  She loved the attention he gave her.  Johnny was careful not to show too much favoritism.  Everyone thought Johnny was being Johnny, chasing after the girls. Johnny glanced around to see if his partner was lurking about.  When he discovered he was alone, he put Randi's socks, shoes and coat on.  He wrapped her in a blanket and walked towards the door.  She jabbered joyfully in Johnny's arms. Suddenly, without warning, Roy's voice echoed from the doorway of the kitchen.  "And where do you think you are going with her, Johnny?" Roy asked with a grin on his face. A cold shiver trailed his spine as Johnny stopped right in his tracks.  "Eh, um, eh, I'm taking Randi out for some air." Johnny fidgeted shifting the baby from one arm to the other. Suddenly alarmed, Roy dropped the towel he was carrying and approached his partner.  "Come on now, you can't do that." Johnny's face reddened.  He knew he had to tell Roy and get it over with. Taking a deep breath, Johnny faced Roy.  "Roy, I'm taking her.  She's mine.  I'm her daddy." He stated firmly. Roy narrowed his brow as he looked at his friend.  He knew Johnny loved the babies and enjoyed spending time with them.  But in all of his life, he never thought his partner would come out with a statement such as this. "Whaddya mean she's yours.  She's mine.  I'm here father."  Roy walked over to his partner and reached for his baby daughter. Maybe Randi felt the tension in the air or heard the raised voices.  She started to cry.  Hearing his sister cry, baby Kevin joined in.  JoAnne came out to see what was going on and was joined by Jennifer and Christopher. Johnny knew he had to make a fast exit.  He hugged Randi close to his body as he tried to get to the door.  Roy quickly sprinted toward the door and blocked it preventing Johnny from leaving.  He then reached out and removed Randi from Johnny's arm while giving Johnny a seething look at the same time. "No no no no no no no no no no no no no" Johnny screamed as he tossed around in his bunk. Roy woke to the sound of Johnny tossing and turning in his sleep.  When he heard his partner scream, Roy jumped up to wake his friend.  "Johnny, wake up.  Wake up Junior.  You're having one of your bad dreams again."  Roy nudged his partner, who was tossing in his bed.  "Come on Junior, wake up." A bit disheveled, Johnny opened his eyes and looked around.  He realized he was in Station 51's dormitory.  Roy, wearing his tee shirt and boxers, was standing above him, looking down.  Johnny rubbed his eyes and pushed himself up on his elbows.  He looked at Roy suspiciously wondering if he may have said anything in his sleep to alert his partner of what his dream was about.  When Roy didn't pinpoint anything, Johnny breathed in a sigh of relief. "You wanna talk about it?"  Roy asked.  Seeing his partner was awake, he went back to his bed to sit down. Johnny had a vacant look on his face.  He just shook his head no.  After all, how could he share this with his partner?  Roy was his best friend and he didn't want to loose that nor did he want to take the chance not being able to see the kids, which would be a possibility if his secret were discovered. "Come on Johnny.  Every shift we've been on lately, you've been having nightmares.  What's going on?"  Roy asked. "Nuthin."  Johnny replied as he pulled the blankets over his head and turned to the wall, away from Roy. "Roy, just give him a bottle and a blankie and tuck him in." Chet voiced from his bed, with a pillow thrown in their general direction. "First it was Chris, next Jenny, then the twins keeping me up, now it's my partner.  I'll never get a good night sleep anywhere!"  Roy mumbled to no one in particular.  Roy got back into his bed under his blankets.  He looked at his watch and realized he might have another three hours of sleep, unless the tones went off. Johnny had nightmares off and on for the last month.  In some form or another, he kept dreaming that Randi was his daughter and he wanted to, he had to, take her home.  He usually shared his problems with Roy, but there was no way he could tell Roy what was haunting him.  He'd have to deal with it himself and hope the nightmares would fade over time. *** After several weeks, the bad dreams subsided as Johnny began to focus his mind onto other matters. *** Johnny pulled into the parking lot, late as usual.  He was surprised to see Roy's car missing.  He quickly changed into his uniform and ran into the bay area for roll call.  He was puzzled to see Dwyer still in uniform.  Before he could ask any questions, Captain Stanley spoke. "John, Roy called and won't be in today.  Dwyer will be taking his place for today.  And no, I don't know why." Johnny was confused and concerned.  He normally knew when Roy wouldn't be in.  He figured that something must have happened during their days off.  Johnny decided to call Roy after roll call to see what was going on.  During roll call, the Cap handed out chores to each crewmember.  He also wanted Johnny and Dwyer to handle some safety inspections at some point during the day. With roll call over, Johnny made use of the phone in the dorm for privacy.  He called the DeSoto's home, but got no answer.  Johnny was perplexed and his concern increased.  He was more determined than ever to find out what was wrong in the DeSoto household.  After all, it wasn't like Johnny didn't have a stake in things, considering he was certain Randi was his daughter.  Before Johnny could make any more calls, the tones sounded sending the Squad on a run. The morning proved to be hectic for them.  Johnny and Dwyer were kept busy with back-to-back runs.  Johnny didn't even get the chance for his usual banter with Dixie or Kel Brackett.  So he couldn't ask them if they might have heard from Roy.  *** Dr. Brackett motioned for Roy and JoAnne to enter his office.  "JoAnne, Roy, please sit down."  The couple sat down in Dr. Brackett's office in the two chairs facing Brackett's desk.  They nervously waited for him to take his seat.  Once Brackett was settled in his chair he sighed.  Narrowing his brow, he began to speak. "The test we ran are a little troublesome.  We need to investigate more, but believe Randi is suffering from leukemia.  If that's true, I strongly believe, we've caught it in time.  I'm going to want to run tests on the two of you to determine if you can donate marrow.  I'd also like to test Kevin to see if he's compatible.  Twins, normally are the best match." Roy and JoAnne both gasped at what Brackett told them.  Roy and JoAnne held hands. Being parents, they'd run into times when their children were sick or hurt.  But they never had to deal with this kind of serious illness.  They were both shaken to the core. "Doc, we'll do whatever we have to for our baby."  Roy said softly.  JoAnne began to sob. Roy put his arm around her for comfort.  He too was upset and tears began to sting the corner of his own eyes, but he knew he had to be strong for JoAnne. Brackett took a deep breath and continued. "Now Roy, JoAnne, I want you to know, that leukemia is not a fatal disease anymore.   Modern medicine can control it and cure it.  That's why it's important to have you two tested.  You have the best chance of matching Randi, being her parents.  However, you may want to ask others to have the test done, just in case you can't donate.  We can do all of the testing here.  You two stay in here as long as you need to.  We can start the testing tomorrow.  Roy, are you working tomorrow?" Roy nodded his head.  "Yes, Doc, but I'll switch with someone.  When I call the station, I'll get the guys to come down for the screening."  Roy was rubbing his forehead with his hand.  He felt a headache coming on.  He gave JoAnne a hug.  "Can I use your phone, Doc?" Kelly Brackett sympathized with Roy and JoAnne.  They weren't just any people and Randi wasn't just any patient.  In the short time Randi was in this world, she carved a small place in Brackett's heart.  The DeSotos were friends, close friends of his. Kelly Brackett hated giving bad news to people but he hated giving bad news to friends and family.  He considered the DeSotos both.  "Sure Roy, of course you can.  Let me give you some privacy.  If you need me, you'll know where to find me." Brackett got up and left the office, but not before giving Roy a little squeeze on the shoulder. Roy tired hard to smile at the Doctor before he walked out of his office, but his inner hurt, pain wouldn't allow it.  Roy returned his attention to his wife.  "JoAnne, it'll be okay.  I know it.  You've got to keep the faith."  he said.  Roy only hoped his words would ring true.  He wanted to believe it.  He had to believe it for the sake of his family.  JoAnne wiped the tears from her eyes.  "I know, but she's so little, Roy.  How are we all going to get through this?"  JoAnne asked. Roy sighed heavily. "I don't know, Jo, but I know we will." Roy hugged JoAnne tightly.  The tears that threatened to spill earlier finally began to stream down on his face.  JoAnne gave into her tears too.  Both sat for an extended period of time, holding each other as they wept for their ailing daughter. *** "I see.  I can arrange it.  Yes, I'll tell him and the rest of the shift.  Do you want me to tell the other shifts?  Not yet?  Okay.  Look, I'll be thinking of you two.  And you know you can include me with the testing."  Captain Stanley hung up the phone and sighed.  He sympathized with Roy and felt grateful that his own family was healthy.  He walked to the kitchen and found Johnny sitting, reading the paper and drinking a cup of coffee.  It was the first break Johnny and Dwyer had since the shift started that morning.  He didn't look forward to telling Johnny about Randi's condition.  He knew how close Johnny was with the DeSoto family and how he showed a preference to Randi. "Hey John?  Can I see you in my office, pal?" Johnny looked up.  He knew he didn't do anything wrong, so he was uneasy with this beckoning.  He got up from his seat and followed the Cap into his office. "Here John, sit down."  "That's okay, Cap, I'd rather stand."  Johnny stood with his arms crossed in front of his chest, an old habit when he dreaded hearing bad news. "Roy called.  He won't be in for several shifts.  Randi's sick.  They think she has leukemia.  He and JoAnne are going to have their marrow tested.  He's also asked that everyone here have it done.  He told me it might be painful, but asked you to explain it to the guys.  He told me he would have called you himself, but with everything going on, Randi, JoAnne, the other kids, he just hasn't had the time.  He hopes you understand." At the mention of Randi and her having leukemia, Johnny became week in the knees. A sickening feeling developed in his stomach.  He daughter was ill and possibly dying.  Even though Johnny was hurting inside, he regained his composure and put up a strong front. "Of course I understand, Cap."  Johnny ran a nervous hand through his hair.  "You know I'll do anything for him.  Did he say when the tests are to be run?" Stanley nodded.  "He'll let me know as soon as possible.  Are you okay Pal?  You look a little green." Johnny looked at his captain and shook his head.  "I'm okay, Cap.  Thanks." Johnny walked back to the kitchen.  He went to get another cup of coffee in a bad way.  Chet was sitting on the couch with Henry nuzzling the paper.  Johnny didn't know what to do.  He took his coffee and went outside.  He walked over to the Rover and opened up the passenger door.  He reached into the glove compartment and took out an envelope.  Inside he looked at the pictures he had of Randi and Kevin.  JoAnne kept giving him pictures of the babies.  Johnny asked JoAnne to do this for him.  She thought it was so charming that he asked for the pictures.  He had other motives.  Ever since JoAnne announced her pregnancy, Johnny knew the baby was his.  He could never admit it to anyone, although he was ready for the responsibility.  He decided early on to do as much as he could for the DeSotos.  *** Kelly Brackett couldn't understand the bone marrow test results.  The people he thought would match, didn't.   Even Randi's twin, Kevin wasn't a suitable donor.  In all of his medical life, Brackett never came across such irregularities.  He was so sure there was an error at the lab, he had the tests run again.  He even went to the lab to oversee the analysis.  But once again, the perfect donor remained the same. *** Johnny was nervous ever since Brackett called wishing to speak with him.  Inwardly, he thought Brackett discovered his secret, that Randi was in fact his.  After knocking on Brackett's office door and entering the office, Johnny wished a big hole would open up in the floor and just swallow him up.  "Johnny, come in sit down."  Brackett motioned for Johnny to sit.  "I've looked at the blood tests for Randi.  As much as I don't understand it, you are a perfect match for donating marrow.  Kevin and Roy don't match and you match better than JoAnne does.  What I don't understand is how.  Now, I know it's none of my business, but did you and JoAnne ever, um, how do I say it…" Dr. Brackett didn't even have a chance to finish his question.  Johnny jumped up and started to pace back n forth all the while nervously running his hands repeatedly through his hair.  That action alone gave Dr. Brackett his answer. "Doc, it's not what you think.  I didn't sleep with her.  I mean I did sleep with her, but not in this body." Dr. Brackett grimaced, trying to understand what Gage was saying. So Johnny told him about the switch that happened almost two years ago and how he, in Roy's body, slept with JoAnne.  Dr. Brackett, being a medical man, had a difficult time believing it.  But, he knew all three people involved and knew that JoAnne would never knowingly cheat on her husband.  As much as he didn't want to accept what Johnny said, until a better explanation came out, he would have to acknowledge this.  He also had the blood tests that indicated some truth to what Johnny just told him. "Does Roy know you were with his wife?" Brackett asked. "Oh no, Doc, no one knows except you, now.  Man, when she said she was pregnant, I knew it had to be mine.  And then, when I saw Randi and her looks, I knew I was her daddy."  Johnny went to his wallet and took out a picture.  "Doc, this is a baby picture of my lil sister."  He gave the picture to Brackett to review. "John, I'd say there is a family resemblance."  Brackett noticed the dark eyes and hair on the girl in the picture.  The faces shared the same shape. "So you can see why I'm not surprised with what you told me." "Do you want to donate the marrow?" Brackett asked. "Of course I will.  I'd do anything for any of the DeSotos." "Good, I'll make the arrangements."  Brackett paused before continuing.  "How do you want to handle telling Roy and JoAnne?" It was Johnny's turn to make a face.  "Do we have to tell them, Doc?"  Johnny already knew the answer. "Don't you think Roy's going to suspect something when I reveal that you're a perfect match?" "I know Roy's gonna be furious.  I also know, but it's just, I mean, how do we explain it to JoAnne.  And, I don't want anyone else to know." "Johnny, this will be handled under the strictest confidence.  No one will know and that includes Dixie." "Thanks Doc."  He paused.  He picked up paperclip that was loose on the desk.  He bent it out of shape.  He looked at Brackett and continued.  "When should we tell ‘em?" "They're visiting with Randi now.  I'll call up and ask them to come downstairs.  Are you okay with doing this now?" No, of course, he didn't want to do this now.  Johnny wanted to run away and hide. He wanted to donate the marrow and disappear.  But he thought about Randi and he smiled.  He'd get over his discomfort for his baby. His baby  - which was just confirmed by Dr Brackett's tests. "Yeah Doc, let's get it over with."  Johnny stood up and walked to the window.  His stomach was in knots.  This was going to be very difficult.  Johnny not only feared losing his best friend, he feared losing his daughter forever.  Brackett called upstairs and located Roy and JoAnne and asked for them to meet him in his office. Within a few minutes, Roy and JoAnne came in.  Johnny turned around and half-smiled at them both.  Roy and JoAnne were bewildered.  Neither knew why Johnny was there. Brackett ushered them both into his office.  "Come on in and sit down."  He closed and locked his door so he wouldn't get any interruptions.  Brackett took his seat.  He knew addressing the DeSotos wouldn't be easy, but it had to be done. Brackett didn't mince words.  He got straight to the point.  "We've found the perfect marrow match." Roy and JoAnne both smiled.  A glimmer of hope for their daughter's recovery was now at hand.  "Can I ask who, Doc?" Roy asked with hope and excitement in his voice. "It's Johnny."  Brackett replied frankly. Once Brackett's words finally sunk into Roy's brain, his smile faded as he realized the implications.  JoAnne didn't have Roy's medical knowledge so she didn't understand the significance of Brackett's statement.  Roy stood up and walked straight over to Johnny.  He grabbed Johnny's arm. "You did it, didn't you?  You said you weren't going to, but you just had to.  You just had to sleep with her!"  He shouted.  Roy didn't realize what he was saying and revealing in front of JoAnne. Johnny knocked Roy's arms off of him.  "Roy, ya gotta understand.  I didn't want to, but it just happened.  You know what I mean."  Johnny pleaded with his friend. "I trusted you with her and my family and this is how you showed your loyalty?" "Roy DeSoto, who and what are you talking about?  And why are you yelling at him?  He's going to give our baby the gift of life."  JoAnne said. Roy looked at JoAnne and then glared at Johnny.  He realized Brackett knew.  He also realized he'd have to tell JoAnne. Roy closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  "JoAnne, I have to tell you something and as weird as it sounds, you're going to have to believe me." And Roy told JoAnne about the switch that occurred. In total disbelief from what Roy just told her, JoAnne looked at Brackett for some guidance. "JoAnne, I know this sounds unusual, but it's the only explanation as to why Johnny and Randi match so perfectly.  Somehow, Johnny's genetic makeup is part of Randi. JoAnne looked at Roy.  "Roy, there is something else you're not telling me."  JoAnne said.  Now it was Roy's time to fidget.  He knew that his own unfaithfulness in this mess would have to be revealed. "Yes, JoAnne, you're right.  While I was in Johnny's body, I went on a date with someone."  Roy said. Johnny looked up at Roy, dreading what Roy was going to say.  He remembered encouraging Roy to go out with Suzanne, who was his fixation at the time. "Okay Roy, I can understand dinner, if that's all it was."  JoAnne said with a slight alarm rising in her voice. Roy walked over to the window and continued.  "JoAnne, you've got to believe me.  It was only suppose to be dinner.   Maybe it was because I was in his body, that I was reacting like him."  Roy pointed to Johnny, then continued, " I don't know.   I was so lonely without you and confused and she was just so engaging.  After dinner we walked around the park.  She invited me back to her apartment."  Roy paused.  Everyone's attention was on him in anticipation of what was to come next.  "We were only going to have coffee, but one thing lead to another and I slept with her."  Roy looked directly at JoAnne when he confessed. "YOU SLEPT WITH HER?"  Johnny shouted.  "Man I don't believe it.  How could you do that?"  Johnny sat down on the couch and put his hands over his face.  Brackett stood, still processing in all that he heard. JoAnne got up and walked over to Roy.  She stared at him and then slapped him.  She walked over to Johnny. "This is for saving Randi's life."  She kissed him on the cheek.  She then proceeded to slap him.  She unlocked the door and stormed out of the office. The silence in Brackett's office was unnerving.  Ignoring Roy, Johnny said, "Doc, just let me know what you need me to do and I'll be there." Johnny got up to leave.  Roy grabbed his arm.  "We gotta talk about this." "I know Roy, we do, but not now.  We're both real angry at each other and I know I gotta get out of here before I hit something.  And I don't want that to be you."  Johnny left. Once Johnny was gone, Brackett once again closed his office door.  He wanted to offer whatever comfort he could to his friend.  He only hoped that he could say the right thing to Roy before leaving the man to his own thoughts.  Roy sat down and put his hands on his head.  He was trying to think about what transpired. "Roy, I know nothing I can say will help.  It appears both you and Johnny were wrong.  It's JoAnne who needs the help now.  Two important men in her life violated her trust.  You and Johnny have to get over your indiscretions and help her.  If you need my help, in any way, let me know.  I gotta do some rounds.  Stay here as long as you need."  With that said, Brackett left his office. Roy walked over to the window and stared out.  He knew he had to mend fences both with JoAnne and with Johnny.  He knew the whole situation was a sticky one from the beginning.  Even now, after all that happened, Roy doubted he could have confessed to JoAnne about the switch if he and Johnny had a chance to relive that part of their lives.  It was too bizarre, even now, after all that happened. After collecting his thoughts, he walked upstairs to the children's floor.  He saw JoAnne sitting with Randi.  She was holding her but he could tell her mind was elsewhere.  Roy slowly walked into the room.  JoAnne glanced up at him.  Her face was tear streaked.  He knew she had every right to be upset.  Not only was Randi ill, but…Roy couldn't fathom what was running through her mind.  Too much. Too late.  He wondered if he would ever be able to salvage his life again. "Do you want to tell me why you never told me?"  JoAnne whispered. Roy closed his eyes briefly.  He wasn't proud of himself for his part in this whole mess.  "JoAnne, Johnny and I thought that it would better not to, so we decided not to tell anyone." "No Roy, I'm not talking about the switch.   I mean why you would want to be with another woman?" Roy didn't answer her.  He was deeply ashamed of his actions and there was nothing he could say to remedy the situation.  He knew all of JoAnne's anger was legitimate. "Not to tell anyone.  I'm your wife, Roy.  You are supposed to share everything with me.  Don't you think I would have understood?  Maybe I wouldn't, but you could have convinced me somehow.  Instead, you leave me with him.  And to make it worse, you betray both of us.  Now don't you think John Gage is getting away clean.  He has to live with the fact that he betrayed both of us too. And Randi, although his child in some way, will never be his."  JoAnne stopped, to gather her thoughts.  Roy looked at her. "Roy, I need you and Johnny now until we get past Randi's illness.  But, I don't want you to be near me when I'm home.  And in no way are you sleeping in my bed.  You can move downstairs or move out.  I don't care right now.  I love you Roy DeSoto, but I'm not ready to forgive you.  I don't know if I ever will forgive you or Johnny.  Now, please leave.  I want to be alone with my baby.  Roy did as he was asked and left.  He didn't know where to go.  He left the hospital and drove around.  He ended up at the beach.  He just sat in his car and cried.  To him, he felt he lost everything – his best friend and his family.  Roy wasn't sure if anything would ever be right again. *** Johnny saw Roy leave and decided to go upstairs to see Randi.  He wasn't surprised to see JoAnne sitting there.  She looked up and saw him, then looked away. "How's she doing?"  he asked sheepishly. "Randi is holding her own.  I guess she does have a bit of John Gage in her, ya know those nine lives."  JoAnne replied, never taking her eyes off her baby. Johnny laughed slightly. "So how do I compare to the other women you've been with Johnny?  Did you mean those things you said to me that night or did you say those things so I could be another notch on your belt. Johnny froze and didn't know what to say.  He looked at JoAnne and saw her tears falling down her face.  Randi started to fuss and cry too. "Can I hold her?" JoAnne stared up at him.  She realized that there was truth to what she learned this morning.  She noticed Randi didn't look like any of her other three children.  She also saw some resemblance to Johnny.  He saw how she was looking at him so he reached into his wallet and took out the baby picture. "This is a picture of my baby sister, when she was one year old."  JoAnne took the picture and was in awe.  The baby picture could be Randi's. "Jo, you know I'd never do anything to hurt you. I..." "Johnny stop right now.  I'm not ready to talk to you or Roy about this.  You lied to me.  You lied to Roy.  How do I explain this to people?  Do we keep this our dirty little secret?  You have to live with what you've done to Roy, Randi and me.  And, Randi will never be yours.  Understand!?  She's a DeSoto.  She will be raised in my home.  Sure, she won't look like us, but she's mine and will be raised in my household.    I don't even want to be in the same room with you or Roy right now.  And I don't want to see you here or at my home in the near future.  I'm grateful for what you're going to do tomorrow, but I will never forgive you for what you did to me."  JoAnne stood up and gave Randi to him to hold and left the room. Randi woke up from her sleep and started to fuss.  Johnny saw a bottle and gave it to her.  He sat down and talked softly to her as tears formed in his eyes. *^*^* Roy called out for several shifts to take care of his family.  So Johnny didn't have an opportunity to discuss the problem with Roy.  However, Johnny knew he would have to sooner rather than later.  So he decided to go to him to discuss what happened.  He drove to the DeSoto's home.  He stayed in the Rover to compose himself.  He knew that Roy would be home with Kevin.  Jen and Chris would be in school.   Johnny figured JoAnne was at the hospital taking care of Randi.  He honored JoAnne's demand and avoided her at the hospital.  He was thankful that he was allowed to visit Randi and even hold her throughout her stay there.  This was the first time he went to the DeSoto's home since that fateful day when the sins of the fathers were exposed.   He got out of his car and walked to the door and knocked. Roy opened the door and wasn't surprised to see Johnny there. "Can I come in?" Johnny asked. Roy nodded his head and opened the door wider to let his partner into his home.  Johnny walked into the living room and saw Kevin playing in the playpen.  Upon seeing his Uncle Johnny, Kevin looked up and smiled.  Johnny reached down and picked him up. "You're getting to be a big boy, Kevin," said Johnny.  He gave the baby a kiss on the forehead.  Kevin chirped joyfully. "You only get to see him when he's behaving.  Try changing diapers all night long or when he's fussing."  Roy said. While holding Kevin, Johnny walked over to the couch and sat down.  "Roy we gotta talk." "I know Johnny.  It's just, I'm so angry with you for sleeping with JoAnne.  But I know I have no right to, as I was no better.  But JoAnne...she's my wife, Johnny.  Suzanne was just, I don't know." "Roy, I don't know what it was.  Maybe it was the hormones, or just being in your body, I just couldn't control myself.  I can't even apologize, as I know that wouldn't do us any good.  I just want to go on.  It's not like we asked for that switch to happen."  Johnny paused to gather his thoughts, knowing his last comment was no excuse. " I just don't wanna lose you, JoAnne or the kids."  Johnny placed the squirming child back in the playpen.  Roy got up and walked to the kitchen.  He came back with a bottle and gave it to the baby to hold. "Johnny.  I've done lots of thinking.  Hell, that's all I can do.  JoAnne won't talk to me.  She won't let me near her.  I feel like I lost everything.  I don't want to lose you too.  Yeah, you were wrong, but I was wrong too.  We both have to live with what we did and we have to make it up to JoAnne.  I hope, in time, she'll realize we did what we did because we both love her in our own ways.  I hope she'll forgive us both." Roy walked over to Johnny and offered his hand.  Johnny looked at this action and was overwhelmed.  Of all things, he didn't expect this to happen.  He shook Roy's hand and then the two embraced. Johnny didn't know that JoAnne was home and witnessed the two men resolving their issues.  She went back to her bedroom, sat down on her bed and cried. *** JoAnne was having nightmares ever since the Switch was revealed.  She dreamt of Roy being with other women and laughing at her.  He was mocking her for her naiveté, believing she could satiate his urges all the time.  If it wasn't that nightmare involving her husband, she was fantasizing about Johnny.  She was deeply ashamed by it, even though she knew she physically slept with her husband.  She only mentally slept with Johnny.  When she thought back to that night, she could see the difference in "his" behavior compared to her husband.  She was ashamed that she wanted to experience "it" again. The other horror JoAnne faced was that she told Roy her fears about his profession.  She would never, ever reveal that to him, knowing how it would affect him.  When she married Roy, she knew what came along with his chosen profession.  She didn't have to like it, but vowed to never let him know the fear it caused in her.  She would never want that to distract him. After too many tears were shed, JoAnne made a decision. continued.....