memoirsb

Memoris of a Fireman's Wife   continued

The day passed as any other had. After school, I took Jen to her ballet lesson and watched Chris' baseball game with the other proud parents. Dinner was a hurried affair, and then the kids did their homework. I was bringing out a basket of the never-ending laundry to fold when the doorbell rang. Balancing the basket of towels on my hip, I opened the door. One look at the two men standing there, and I knew. "Roy!" Was all I managed to say before sinking into oblivion.

I came to, with a worried Hank Stanley hovering over me. "Joanne?" He asked patting my hand. Hank was an old friend of ours. He'd been Roy and Johnny's Captain before taking the Chief's exam and becoming Roy and Johnny's boss once again. "Joanne?" He asked again.

"He's gone, isn't he?" I asked feeling numb inside.

"I'm so sorry Joanne. I never wanted to have to bring you this news." Hank said sorrowfully. "Yes."

"What happened?" I looked around. "Where are the kids?" I asked dazed, sitting up.

"Johnny's with them. He took them out for ice cream." Hank explained.

"Do they know?"

"No, Johnny just told them you weren't feeling good and that he was going to take them out for a while so I could take care of you."

I nodded. "You'll both help me tell them?"

"Of course we will." Hank immediately agreed.

"What happened Hank, I need to know."

Hank sighed and sank back onto the couch next to me. He took my hand in his and held it. "First, let me tell you, your husband was a very courageous man. The best it's ever been my pleasure to serve with. When we worked at Station 51 together, he was always the one I confided in. I'll truly miss him." Hank paused a moment, collecting his thoughts. "It was an abandoned warehouse fire. Some vagrants made the building their home. Roy's station was the first one on scene. Roy sent his paramedics inside to sweep the building and to make sure everybody was out. He got his engine crew busy holding back the flames from the doorway for the paramedics, and deployed the rest of the responding engine companies around the building, supervising them pending my arrival. One of his paramedics came out with a victim and Roy asked where his partner was. Allen told Roy he thought Mark was right behind him. Allen turned his victim over to another paramedic squad, and he and Roy raced into the building to search for Mark. They found him unconscious and trapped under some crates that had toppled over on him. Roy and Allen freed Mark and Roy helped Allen sling Mark over his shoulder. I called them on the HT to tell them the structure was becoming unsafe and they needed to get out of there now. Roy acknowledged and said he and Allen were heading out already with a code-I. He started to say something else when the HT in my hand went dead. Allen told me that they heard the roof start to give way and that Roy had run up behind him and shoved him with enough force to catapult both he, and Mark within three feet of the doorway. Allen said he looked back and saw the burning wreckage of the roof come tumbling down on top of Roy. The firemen closest to the door shut down their hose and pulled Mark and Allen to safety. All the firemen there took some serious risks to try to push back the flames and get to Roy, but it was too late. I'm so sorry Joanne."

I nodded. "I know you are Hank. I always knew this could happen, but you never imagine it could really come to pass, it's just such a shock."

The department will take care of the arrangements for you."

"I know the drill Hank. I've been there for other firemen's wives that have lost their husbands."

"I regret even more to have to tell you this, but it'll have to be a closed casket."

I sucked in my breath. "I always hoped I'd get a chance to say good bye if it came to this."

"God, you don't know how sorry I am about this." Hank looked down at his hands.

I looked down at my engagement ring, and wedding band. I slipped them both off and then slipped the engagement ring back on. I looked at my wedding band, holding it in my fingers for a minute, remembering the day almost 15 years ago that Roy had slipped it on my finger. I gently kissed it and held it out to Hank. "Can you make sure he's buried with this?"

He took it from me. ""Yeah Joanne, I'll take care of it personally." He promised.

"Thank you Hank." I smiled through the tears rolling down my face.

Johnny and the kids came in. Chris and Jen immediately stopped in their tracks finding me crying. "Mom, what is it?" Chris asked.

Hank stood up, and I motioned them both over to me. They sat on either side of me, and I wrapped my arms around both of them. "Chris, Jen, we have some very tragic news for you. . . " I found myself at a loss for words to tell them their father was gone.

Johnny helped me out. He came over and knelt down in front of me. He took Chris and Jen's hands. "You're both old enough to know the risks your father and I take on our jobs?" Chris and Jen nodded. "Your father did a very brave thing today. He saved two men from a warehouse fire, seconds before the roof collapsed."

"Is he going to be okay?" Chris asked in a shaky voice.

"I'm sorry, your dad sacrificed himself to save those two men. Your father died in that fire today." Johnny finished, a lone tear rolling down his cheek.

Jen buried her head in my side and sobbed. Chris jumped up. "It's not true! My father's not dead!" He screamed.

"Chris." I said pulling him back down next to me. "It is true. Your dad's gone."

"You're lying!" Chris wiggled away from me, running from the room. "My dad's the best fireman in the whole world, he'd never let a fire get him!"

I started to get up to go after him, but Johnny stopped me. "You stay with Jen, I'll talk to him." He left the room in search of Chris. Jen finally sobbed herself to sleep and Hank helped me carry her to her bed. Johnny came back to the living room shortly after that.

"How's Chris?" I asked.

"He's asleep, cried himself out. I guess he just didn't want to do that in front of his mom and sister. He finally let loose when I told him real men cried at times like this, and couldn't hold back my own tears." Johnny explained.

"Thank you Johnny." I said softly pulling him into a tight hug. "God, I'm going to miss him."

"I know, he told me how you've known each other since the 4th grade."

"Yeah, he was my first love, my only love. He saved me from my awful childhood and taught me what a real man truly is. How am I going to go on without him?"

Johnny held on as I finally gave into the wracking sobs that I'd held back in front of the kids. "I'll be there for you every step of the way, I promise," he said kissing my cheek.

When I calmed down again, Johnny sat down on the couch with me keeping his arm around me, sensing I needed a show of his strength to carry me through this horrible night. "Joanne, is there anybody you'd like me to call?" Hank asked.

My mind blanked and I looked at Johnny, who once again came to my rescue. "Roy's mom, and probably Joanne's mom and sister. Their numbers are probably in the phone book on the desk. Joanne's mom's last name is Dion and her sister's last name is Peterson."

"Is that who you'd like me to call?" Hank asked me.

I nodded. "Could you use the phone in the den?" I knew I was being a coward, but I couldn't bear to hear the story of the warehouse fire again.

"Sure I'll take care of it." Hank agreed, finding the phone book and heading into the den.

I got up and started pacing in front of Johnny. I didn't know why, but I was suddenly so angry. "Goddamn him, how could he do this to me." I ranted. "He made it through 14 years, 8 of them doing the dangerous stuff and now, when I finally thought he was safe, he goes and does this."

Johnny stood up and stopped me by holding my shoulders. "Joanne, he didn't decide for this to happen, it just happened."

I threw his hands off me. "Shut up Johnny! I don't want you telling me what I can and can't think about my husband! Just who the hell do you think you are anyway! Goddamn him, Goddamn the whole fire department, and most of all Goddamn you!" I shouted running out of the room. I went straight into the garage and grabbed my secret pack of cigarettes and went around back to sit on the deck steps. I was on my third one when Johnny sat down next to me.

"You know, you never fooled him. He always knew you smoked when you were upset," he said softly.

"Yeah, well some habits die hard. I started when he was in Vietnam. I told him I quit when he got back."

"I know, he told me."

"How'd he find out about it?"

"Remember when I got really sick with that monkey virus?" Johnny asked, pulling a cigarette out of the pack.

"Yeah," I nodded. "I didn't know that you smoked?"

"A long time ago when I was a teenager. I figure with all the smoke I've eaten over the years, this won't hurt me too much." He joked as he lit it. "He said he came home from the hospital to grab some uniforms and a quick bite to eat, and caught you out on the deck of your old apartment."

"I never even knew he came home that day." I shook my head, surprised that I hadn't fooled Roy.

"I know, he said he left without disturbing you. Said if it made you feel better who was he to stop you."

"That sounds like him." I agreed throwing my cigarette butt out in the yard. I took a deep breath. "Johnny, I'm really sorry for what happened in there. I didn't mean it."

"It's alright Joanne. To tell you the truth, I'm gonna owe Tim big for the condition I left the station's office in after Hank called me."

I couldn't help but laugh. "You always were the hot headed one between the two of you."

"Yeah, and Roy was always there to pull me back from the edge." He sighed. "I wish I'd been there today."

"Then it might have been you." I said softly looking at him.

His dark eyes met mine. "Then I might have been able to save your family from this pain."

"It would have effected us deeply anyway. And he'd be sitting here right now saying the same thing about trading places with you."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

"I know I'm right. Roy always felt so guilty ever time you got injured on the job."

"He always did worry enough for the both of us." Johnny smiled sadly.

"I know what you mean." I agreed. "I know it's a lot to ask, but would you mind staying here and helping me out, through the funeral. I don't think I'm going to make it through this by myself."

"Your mom?" Johnny asked, throwing his butt in the yard.

I laughed. "Yeah, I can't deal with her. I just know she'll say something disparaging about Roy. She always has. Besides that, if my den's empty she'll insist on moving in for a while to help me through this, and me and the kids really don't need that right now."

"You don't need to explain Joanne, I know how she always upset your home every year, and how hard Roy always tried to impress her. Of course I'll stay here and run interference for you."

"Thanks. I always told Roy that nothing he could do would change her mind. After my father, she hated any man, not just him."

"You can't really blame her for that, after all your father put you all through." Johnny sympathized.

"I suppose, but Roy always tried so hard anyway."

"He never was one to give up."

I smiled. "Come on we'd better get back in there. I'm sure Hank's done making those calls by now."

We went back inside and found Hank in the kitchen. "I hope you don't mind, I made some coffee."

"No, thanks, I was about to do that myself." I said pulling the sugar bowl down. "Johnny can you grab the milk out of the fridge?"

"Yeah sure." He pulled it out and handed it to me.

"Joanne, since all the family's been notified, is it alright if the department issues a press release, naming Roy as the fatality in the fire today?" Hank asked.

"Go ahead, no sense having other firemen's wives scared out of their wits, wondering if it's their husband or not." I agreed, remembering my own tension when hearing about a fatality at a fire scene before.

"Thank you Joanne. If you don't need me anymore, I'll head out. I'll take care of it, and those other matters you asked me to. I'll be back as soon as I've gotten more information on the funeral arrangements."

"Okay, please ask them to use St. Mark's church. That's where we had Jen baptized and where we attended church."

"I will. Again, I am so sorry." Hank hugged me.

"I know, thanks for all your help tonight."

"It's the least I could do. Bye Johnny."

"Bye Chief." Johnny walked him to the door.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The minute Roy's name hit the morning news and papers, the phone started ringing off the hook. The people that didn't call started showing up on my doorstep. Johnny was a godsend that day. Fielding calls and talking with the people who stopped by. I spent the day with the children, preparing them for the funeral and talking with them about their dad.

When I'd finally gotten them to bed that evening, I sat down tiredly on the couch. I sighed loudly and rolled my neck trying to ease the tension in my neck and shoulders.

Johnny sat down next to me. "Here, let me." He gently, but firmly massaged my shoulders and neck.

"That feels wonderful." I dropped my head as his kneading pulled the ache out of my overtired muscles.

"Joanne, you need to get some sleep. I don't think you've slept more than 20 minutes since this happened."

"What about you. You haven't gotten any more sleep than I have." I accused.

"I'm used to long hours." He answered.

"Yeah, I guess. Thanks for getting my mom to stay at a hotel."

"It was my pleasure, especially after she made that crack about always knowing Roy would ruin your life someday."

"Good thing the kids didn't hear that."

"Yeah. It took every ounce of restraint I had, not to reach over and shake her then."

"I've had that idea a few times myself." I chuckled. "I guess you're right. I should try to get some rest. We've got a busy day tomorrow at the funeral home." I pushed myself off the couch. "Good night Johnny."

"Good night Joanne. I'll lock up and turn everything off for you."

"Thanks." I mumbled heading for my bedroom. I finally settled into bed, dressed in one of Roy's old T-shirts, I just needed to feel him near me. I never noticed how empty our bed was when he wasn't there. Exhaustion took over and I drifted off to sleep.

"Joanne, Joanne, wake up honey, come on Joanne, snap out of it." Johnny's voice filtered into my mind, cutting through the terrifying nightmare.

"What? What happened? How'd I get here?" I asked puzzled to find myself curled up in a ball in the closet.

"You were having a nightmare, Chris came and got me," he answered helping me up.

"Yeah." I glanced at the doorway seeing my two frightened children there. "It's okay, I'm alright." I said for the benefit of my children.

"I'll get them back in bed. Why don't you go splash some water on your face or get a drink or something." Johnny suggested.

"Yeah, good idea." I said holding the emotions of the nightmare out of my voice. "Good night kids, sorry I woke you."

"It's okay mom." Jen looked relieved.

"Yeah, it's okay mom." Chris added.

Johnny ushered the children out and I went in the bathroom and washed my face and got a drink of water. I just returned to the bedroom when Johnny knocked softly on the door. "Come on in Johnny."

"I just wanted to check and make sure you're okay."

"Yeah, I'm alright." I lied.

Johnny saw right through it. "You're not alright, that nightmare's really got you shook up."

I sighed, climbing back up on the bed, I pulled the pillows behind me and leaned back against the headboard. I motioned Johnny over. "Might as well get comfortable, it's a long story."

Johnny climbed up on the bed next to me and leaned back also. "When did they start?"

"I usually only had them after my father would beat me. I haven't had one in a long time. When I used to sleep out in the park at night, I'd wake up running through the park looking for a place to hide. The last nightmare I had was the night I left home for good. Remember me telling you about showing up on Roy's doorstep all bleeding and bruised?"

"Yeah." Johnny nodded.

"That night I dreamt that my father killed Roy. Tonight I had the same dream. I watched as my father beat Roy with a two by four, piled a bunch of wood over his writhing form and then set it on fire. Roy was screaming in pain, and my father leered at me and told me it was my entire fault and I'd done this to him. And. . . . " I trailed off sobbing at the memory of the vivid nightmare.

Johnny pulled me in his arms. I cried on his chest as he soothed me. "It was only a dream Joanne. You know you had nothing to do with Roy's death."

"Maybe I did. Roy was all set to go to college, when he got back from Vietnam, but then I got pregnant with Chris. So he gave up his college plans and joined the fire department instead to support us."

"And he loved that job. Do you honestly believe he'd have been as happy doing something else?"

"I don't know, maybe." I answered doubtfully.

"Well, I do know. He told me a couple of different times, that besides you and the kids, the fire department was the best thing that ever happened to him."

"In my heart I know you're right, but in my head, all I can hear is my father's accusing voice."

"Go to sleep Joanne, I promise, if I hear you start to have a nightmare, I'll wake you up."

"What about you, you need some sleep too."

"I'll pull those two wing back chairs together and sleep in here, that way I can hear you, if you start to dream again."

"Okay, I appreciate that Johnny." I said settling back down.

Johnny pulled the covers up over me. "It's alright." He pulled the chairs together.

"There's another blanket on the top shelf of the closet." I mumbled as exhaustion once again pulled my back towards sleep.

"I'll be fine, just get some rest." He said settling into the chairs.

"Um-hum, night Johnny."

"Night Joanne."

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I opened my eyes feeling a warm body in the bed next to me, for a split second, I thought it was Roy, before realizing it was my daughter instead. I sat up and looked around. Johnny had somehow managed to contort himself into a comfortable enough position in the chairs to fall asleep and Chris was curled up with his pillow and blanket on the floor. I smiled at my son. At 14 he reminded me so much of Roy. Although he inherited my dark brown hair, he had Roy's penetrating blue eyes and was rapidly growing into the same build Roy had. I wondered for a moment why he hadn't joined Jen and I in the bed, but it dawned on me that he hadn't climbed in bed with us for the same reason he hadn't wanted to cry in front of us. I sneaked out of the bed and slipped downstairs and started making everyone a big breakfast, knowing it was going to be a long, tough, day. Lost in thought waiting for the toaster, leaning against the counter, brought back the memory of our last passionate kiss here, just before he left for work that morning, never to return.

"Joanne?" Johnny's voice pulled me back into the present.

"In here." I called to him.

"You beat me to the punch, I was going to have some coffee ready and waiting for you." He said reaching in the cupboard for a mug.

"I've always been an early riser." I answered pulling the toast out of the toaster and buttering it.

Johnny poured himself and I some coffee and held out the mug to me. "You sleep okay, after you laid back down?" He asked sipping the coffee.

"Yeah I did. Guess the nightmare tired me out enough that I slept through the night without any dreams after that. How'd you sleep in those chairs?"

"Oh, fine." He answered.

"Liar." I teased.

"Okay, I'll admit, it wasn't the most comfortable place I've every slept, but the point is, I did get some sleep, and so did you. Maybe Chris had the right idea. Next time, I'll just camp out on the floor."

"I hope there's not a next time." I shuddered remembering the nightmare.

"I hope so too." He agreed.

"I hate to ask for any more favors, you've done so much for us already, but can you lend a hand with the kids today?"

"You don't have to ask Joanne, I already took care of it. Myself and all their honorary uncles will take turns today being with them and Mrs. Stanley and the Chief will bring the kids home this evening about 5 p.m. They'll stay here until we finish up at the funeral home."

"Thanks for taking care of that. My mind seems to keep drawing a blank when it comes to taking care of all the details. I used to be such an organized person." I sighed.

"You've got a lot on your mind. It's all right, that's what Uncle Johnny's here for." He patted my arm.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Entering the funeral home, we found the funeral director waiting for us. "Mrs. DeSoto, you have our deepest sympathies for your loss. If you have any needs don't hesitate to let us know."

"Thank you." I answered mechanically, never taking my eyes off the chapel's doors.

"Johnny can you give me a minute?"

"Sure." Johnny understood what I needed. "Come on Chris, Jen, let's go down to the lounge, your mother needs some time alone with your father." Chris and Jen obediently followed him down the hall.

I stopped outside the door for a minute. Desperately trying to figure out how I was going to find the words to say good bye to my first and only love. Taking a deep breath, I finally pushed the door open. I was immediately overwhelmed by all the flower arrangements lining along side the casket, which I could barely glance at before turning my head away. "God Roy, you sure touched a lot of lives."   I looked instead at the flower arrangements along the wall reading the tags of who they were from, and finally came to a stop in front of the dark cherry wood casket. It was beautiful, the brass accents against the hardwood, a large 8 x 10 picture of Roy was displayed on top of the closed casket. The department's photographer the day Roy had made Captain had taken it. His smile showed the pride he'd felt that day. I ran my hand over his features in the photograph, and finally touched the silky polished wood. It was a frustrating gesture, knowing Roy was within the casket and I couldn't get any closer to him than the hard wood beneath my hands.

"I don't know how to say good bye to you." I choked out. I leaned down on his casket and sobbed. "You were my everything, my friend, my lover, my white knight. I was your first rescue, I should have known you'd never give up rescuing people. There were days when my heart would beat so hard I thought it would thump out of my chest, when you'd walk through the door and I'd realize it was me you were coming home to. I was so happy. You made me happy. I never regretted for a second, falling in love with you and marrying you. I hope you were happy all our years together, I hope you never regretted any of it. You'd be so proud of Chris and Jen. They're trying to be so brave through all this. I almost think they're handling this better than me. Johnny said it's because they're looking to me for leadership through this, I put on a brave face. But I'm scared Roy. I always relied on you for the leadership in our family. Now you're gone, and I feel like I'm stumbling around in the dark with no direction. I don't know how to live without you Roy. I know how to be a fireman's wife and a mother, I don't know how to be a fireman's widow. I'm scared of what the future holds for me. I just hope I can finish raising Chris and Jen the way we always planned. I'm going to miss you so much, I can hardly breath, but I'll make you proud tomorrow at the funeral. They'll see what a real fireman's wife is made of. This is it Roy, our last good bye. No one will catch me breaking down after this. It's my last gift to you." I pulled myself off his casket. "I love you Roy, with all my heart, and I always will." I gently kissed the top of the casket, and turned to sit down on the couch the funeral home had provided near the front, to compose myself before all the other mourners arrived.

Johnny slipped in a few minutes later, he sat down next to me. "You okay?" He asked softly wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

I leaned my head on his shoulder. "Yeah Johnny. I'll be fine. I've got to be. I'll do Roy proud. No one will see anything less than the consummate fireman's wife."

"You don't have to be that way with me, you know," he squeezed gently.

"I know. Promise me, if you see me about to lose it, you'll pull me somewhere private."

"You know I will." Johnny promised.

"Where are the kids?"

"Mike and his wife are with them in the lounge." Johnny answered.

"Okay, why don't you stay here and have a moment alone with Roy, after you're done, come and get us, and we'll bring the kids in to say their good bye's."

"Yeah, thanks Joanne, I would like to have one last talk with him." Johnny admitted glancing at the casket.

I stood up and smiled down at Johnny. "He always was a good listener."

"Yeah, I know." He looked up at me smiling, but I saw him swallow hard.

"I'll make sure you're not disturbed." I leaned over and kissed his cheek, and walked out without looking back, giving Johnny his privacy to mourn. I found the funeral director sitting at a desk next to the door. "Nobody goes in there." I said firmly pointing at the door.

I walked back to the lounge and found Mike and Abby Stoker sitting with Chris and Jen. Mike immediately stood up, and hugged me. "I'm so sorry Joanne."

"I know you are, you guys were always so close when you worked together at 51's." We all sat back down.

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Abby asked hugging me.

"Not right now, but I might take you up on your offer when things settle down." I answered.

"You got it, we're only a phone call away." Mike agreed immediately. "I know it's tradition for the members of the last station they served at to help out with any chores around the house that need doing. But I already talked with Chief Stanley, Marco, and Chet, and we all want you to know we'd be more than happy to come by and help you out any time you need it."

"And you know me and the other wives are more than willing to lend an ear if you need someone to talk to." Abby added.

"I appreciate it." I nodded.

Johnny walked in the room, and stood next to my chair. I reached out and took his hand and squeezed, he squeezed back. "It's good to see you Mike." He said as he and Mike shook hands.

"Good to see you too, Although it'd have been even better seeing you someplace other than here."

"I hear you." Johnny agreed.

"Chris, Jen, we need to go say our good bye's before everyone else gets here." I said standing up. "Johnny, would you come with us? I hope you don't mind." I looked at Mike and Abby.

"Oh no, by all means, go ahead." Mike answered.

The four of us walked back over to the chapel where Roy lay. Once inside the room, the children clung to me. "What do I say mom?" Jen asked.

"Remember, we talked about it. Your daddy can hear you, you just tell him how much you love him and how much you'll miss him." I hugged her.

"And Chris, remember the talk we had the other night. Real men can cry at times like this and it doesn't make them any less of a man. Only your mother and I will ever know, and we'll never tell anyone." Johnny pulled Chris into a manly hug.

We led the two children to Roy's casket. It broke my heart as the two children I held most dear to my heart, said their tearful good byes to the man we loved most in the world. We all sat down on the couch afterwards. "I know this is going to be a hard day for you two. A lot of people will want to tell you how much your dad meant to them, and how much they'll miss him. I know that'll make you sad. It'll make me sad too. But we need to be brave for your dad. If it gets to be too sad for you, you grab one of your uncles and they'll take you back to the lounge. They all know they are here to help you two through today and they all care about you. So don't be afraid to pull one of them away from the room. You understand?" They both nodded. "You know I'd rather do it myself, but I have to stay here and talk to them whether I want to or not."

"Why mom?" Jen asked.

"Because I owe it to your dad to be brave and listen to everything people want to tell me about him." I answered.

"Will you be okay mom?" Chris asked.

"Yes, Chris, I'll be okay. That's why I said good bye to your dad alone. So I could be strong later. Besides, I've got your Uncle Johnny to help me through today." I answered honestly.

"Are we all ready now?" Johnny asked. We all nodded. "Okay, I'll tell the funeral director to open up the chapel to visitors."

People filtered in, all morning. When Roy's mom Ellen arrived, I nearly lost it. I felt tears spring to my eyes as we hugged each other. "It's so hard to believe he's gone." She said to me.

"I know." I quickly wiped my eyes with the tissue I held in my hand.

"When Hank called me, he told me how brave my boy was. It was that moment that I realized I'd raised him right.   To be selfless, compassionate, and an honorable human being."

"I hope I did right by him all these years." I whispered.

"You did. He was always so proud of you and the kids." She patted my back.

"Thank you for telling me. It means a lot."

"You're welcome." Ellen embraced me again.

Around 11:30AM, my mother finally made her appearance. Sensing there'd be trouble. I quickly asked Chet to take the kids across the street to the restaurant there for lunch. I tried to give him some money, but Chet refused.   "No, Joanne, I got it. Don't worry about it." He rounded up the kids and Marco and they left the building.

My mother approached me. "Joanne, you look terrible, your eyes are all puffy."

I looked at her astounded, thinking about what she just said. I got angry. "How do you expect me to look mother, I'm burying my husband tomorrow." I snapped.

"Don't you take that tone of voice with me," she said angrily.

"Jesus, mother, give it up. I'm 35 years old, you can't talk to me like I was 5."

"Joanne, I don't like your attitude. This is all his doing. You were always such a respectful child until you started hanging around him." She pointed at the casket.

"Respectful? I was a terrified child until I met him. He taught me how to stand up for myself and not be afraid of that monster you forced us all to live with."

"I won't allow you to talk about your father that way."

"Why shouldn't I? He beat me mom, and he beat you and Barbara. Why you're standing here and defending that evil man, and making cruel remarks about he kindest, most wonderful man I've ever known, I'll never understand."

"I didn't come here to take this abuse from you." She hissed.

"Then why did you come? Obviously you didn't do it for Roy. You never appreciated him when he was alive. Year after year, you'd come visit us and no matter how hard Roy tried to win you over, you always managed to make him feel miserable anyway. You want to know why you came today? I'll tell you why. Because how would it look to your friends and neighbors if you didn't come to your own son-in-law's funeral. You've always been more worried about what other people would think than what was best for your own children. You made us live in that house of horrors with a man that constantly hurt his own wife and children because you were too afraid of what everybody else would think about you leaving and divorcing that sick man. You always told me, people from the right side of town don't get divorced, it's just not done."

"Joanne, you're hysterical, you don't know what you're saying," she said looking nervously around.

"It's no use, you'll never comprehend what I'm saying to you anyway. You'll just gloss it over like you always do when somebody says something you don't want to hear. Go back to Glendale, mom. Don't bother coming tomorrow, and putting on a sham of being the grieving mother-in-law to Roy. Other people may believe it, but I know you'll never truly be sorry Roy's gone." I reached over to lean against the couch emotionally spent.

"You can't mean that."

"I do mean it." I insisted.

"Maybe you'd better leave." I heard Johnny speak up next to me. "Obviously Joanne doesn't want you here."

"And just who do you think you are ordering me around?" She snapped at Johnny.

"I was Roy's best friend and I promised him I'd take care of his family if anything ever happened to him. So if Joanne thinks you should leave, I'll make sure it happens." Johnny quietly but forcefully answered. "Now are you going to leave on your own, or will I have to physically remove you?"

"You wouldn't dare," she shot back.

"After all you've put Joanne and Roy through? In a heartbeat lady." Johnny answered.

I could hear the anger rising in his voice. I laid a restraining hand on his arm, looking straight at my mother. "She'll go. We've already caused a big enough scene. She wouldn't want to add to the embarrassment by being thrown out of the funeral home."

"Just don't expect me to be there to pick up the pieces for you when you realize marrying that worthless fireman was a mistake." She whirled around stalking out.

"It was the only right thing I ever did in my life!" I shouted after her.

Johnny looked at me for a minute after my mother left. He slipped my hand in his. "Come on, let's go get some air."

"But all these people." I protested.

"The Chief can handle things for a few minutes." Johnny insisted.

"Yeah, sure, go ahead Joanne, I'll take care of things for you here." Hank agreed.

"Thanks." I nodded letting Johnny lead me towards the door. My sister stopped me just before we walked through it.

"I wish I had your courage Joanne." She hugged me. "She does the same thing to Phil that she did to your Roy."

"I know, tell her off one day Barbara, it feels great." I smiled at her.

"I don't think I can. You were always the brave one."

"If you can't do it for yourself, do it for Phil. I wish I would have done it years ago for Roy's sake."

"I'll think about it." She smiled.

"Good." I nodded and left the room.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny and I walked out through the parking lot to the stand of trees nearby. I leaned back against the trunk of one of them and closed my eyes, relaxing as the gently breeze flowed through my hair. "Roy'd have been proud of what you said to her today."

I opened my eyes smiling at him. "I know. I meant it when I told Barbara I wish I'd have told her that years ago, I could have saved Roy all the effort he put in every year when she visited."

"He didn't mind; he was doing it for your and the kids sake. He always hoped she'd be more of a grandmother to the kids."

"She was always too wrapped up with herself to think much about Chris or Jen. You mind if I ask you something."

"Shoot." He answered.

"When did you promise Roy you'd take care of us if something happened to him?"

Johnny sighed and looked away. "Do you remember when Drew died?"

"Your friend on the police force, right?"

"Yeah, I was feeling pretty down about the whole thing. I helped Pam, his wife, make the funeral arrangements. Roy and I talked about it in the locker room one day. I told him I was glad I wasn't going to be leaving somebody behind if it ever was my time. Roy said you two talked about it some, but mostly he tried not to think about it, cause in our line of work, it tends to happen pretty suddenly, and fast. I didn't think our talk had really effected him all that much. Until later, we were in the squad returning from Rampart, and Roy looked over at me and out of the blue he suddenly said. 'Johnny, I want you to promise me, if anything ever happens to me, I want you to always look after Joanne and my kids.' I looked over at him and saw how serious he was, so I promised him that on our friendship, if something did happen to him, I'd take care of you and Chris and Jen as if you were my own family."

"He never told me he'd make you promise that." I said softly. "No wonder you've been helping us so much."

"No, it's not the only reason. I'm doing this for you because I love you and the kids. You're the only family I've ever been a true part of."

"You know we love you too. I'm glad you made that promise to Roy. If it put his mind at ease about leaving us, then I'm truly thankful that you did it." I hugged him. "We should get back."

"Yeah okay. You're alright?"

"Better than I've been in a while." I answered.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I made it through the rest of the day keeping up my brave facade. The only time I felt it weakening was when Allen, Mark, and Mark's wife Tina arrived. "I can't say how sorry I am for the sacrifice your husband made to save mine." Tina hugged me.

"It's nothing your husband wouldn't have done for mine, if the situation were reversed."

"It's not easy being a fireman's wife, but you've made the supreme sacrifice. I'm so very sorry."

"And it's one I hope you never have to make. How's the leg Mark?" I asked changing the subject.

"Broke in two places, but it'll mend. The station won't be the same with Cap."

"He was the best I've ever worked for." Allen agreed.

"That's because he cared so much for all of you. He wanted you to respect him, not just do your duties out of obligation."

"We did, respect him, I mean." Allen said.

"We'd do anything for him, follow him anywhere even in the most dangerous situations, just because it was him doing the leading." Mark added.

"He knew. Just make him proud and carry on with the dedication he taught you. It's all he could have ever wanted from you."

"How'd you know I was thinking of quitting?" Mark asked astonished.

"Because those same thoughts were going through Roy's head when his best friend Luke Emonds died in his arms way back when they'd first joined the department together. But instead of quitting he threw himself into making the paramedic program a reality. He always used to say that the two of you brought back many fond memories of when he and Johnny used to ride in Squad 51 together."

"He told me once that when he and Captain Gage were together, he felt like he was making a difference in so many people's lives." Allen admitted.

"And he was right. Some of the floral arrangements that are here today are from some of the people he'd rescued. A few of them ever came here today in person, and thanked me for Roy having saved their lives."

"I think I'd like to be remembered that way." Mark agreed softly.

"I hope I helped you remember why you became a paramedic in the first place."

"Yeah, you did. Thank you so much Mrs. DeSoto." Mark shook my hand.

"We'll always remember him." Allen added, also shaking my hand.

I smiled at them, but knew I was close to losing it, I caught Johnny's eye from across the room. He hurried over after excusing himself. "Let's get a cup of coffee in the lounge." He said leading me out to the lounge. He poured both of us a cup and we sat down at the table together.

"That was pretty rough." I sighed sipping my coffee.

"Those boys took it hard when they found out Roy hadn't made it." Johnny commented.

"You and Roy would have felt the same way if Hank had died pulling you two out of a burning building."

"Roy would have been proud to know that his men respected him. He'd always hoped he'd be as good a captain as Chief Stanley was to us."

"Well he obviously succeeded."
                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We made our way home that evening, both extremely exhausted and emotionally drained. That night, I had another nightmare, but this one was different. I was in a fog looking for Roy.   I could hear him, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find him. When Johnny tried to wake me from the nightmare, my foggy mind confused him for Roy. "Oh, God Roy, I finally found you." I choked out pulling him into a passionate kiss. A split second later, I realized who exactly I was kissing. "Oh Christ, Johnny I'm sorry." I said ashamed of myself. I rolled on my side and pulled myself into a ball hugging my knees to my chest, sobbing softly.

"It's okay Joanne, you were having a nightmare, you just mistook me for Roy, that's all." He rubbed my back trying to soothe me.

"You must think I'm some kind of slut. What woman in her right mind kisses her husband's best friend when he isn't even cold in the ground yet?"

"Joanne, no offense, but you weren't in your right mind, you were just through the emotional wringer yesterday. And you're exhausted. You had a vivid nightmare and thought I was Roy. It's alright."

"What would Roy say if he knew I'd kissed you?"

"He wouldn't say anything, because if he were here, it would have never happened and you know it."

"Maybe you're right."

"I know I'm right." He answered firmly.

"Johnny would it be too much to ask for you to hold me until I fall back asleep? I always get the tremors after one of those nightmares and falling asleep in Roy's arms was the only way for me to settle down."

"Of course I will." He agreed slipping under the covers with me, and spooning himself up behind me, wrapping his arm around me.

"It feels like forever since I fell asleep in his arms, has it really only been 3 days?"

"But they've been the longest 3 days of you life, I bet." Johnny whispered in my ear.

"You're right." I agreed feeling myself sliding into sleep again. "Just make sure the kids don't catch us like this."

"They won't, I'll go back on the floor as soon as you're asleep." Johnny promised.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dawning of the day of Roy's funeral matched the somber occasion. Dismal grey clouds blanketed the sky. Somehow I felt a little better than I would have if it had been a bright sunny day. The funeral was a massive affair. Only invitees were allowed into the church for the service. Hank gave an eloquent eulogy, but for the life of me, I can't remember a word of it. All I kept picturing in my mind was my Roy, was inside that casket, and I was going to have to leave him behind in the cemetery today. It dawned on me how final it was. Johnny stayed by my side and held my hand during the service. Every time I was almost overcome, I seemed to feel his strength flowing into me, renewing my resolve to give Roy the proper send off he deserved. Johnny, and the crew that served under Roy, with the exception of Mark because of his broken leg, served as pallbearers. They reverently laid Roy's flag draped casket in the hose bed of the engine he'd commanded. I was surprised to see Squad 51 parked in front of the engine. It was to lead the funeral parade. I held my children close to me until Johnny took his place next to me for our walk to the cemetery. "Who suggested that?" I asked pointing to the squad.

"I did." He admitted. "I thought it was only right, since Roy was one of the first 6 paramedics in Los Angeles County."

"You continue to amaze me Johnny." I hugged him briefly, and then we fell into step behind the engine as it started its lonesome drive to Roy's final resting-place. I held up pretty well through the graveside service. I covered Jen's ears during the 21-gun salute, Roy's tour of duty in Vietnam had earned him.    The only moment I lost control and cried briefly though, was when we were presented with the flag that had draped Roy's casket.

Hank presented it personally. "On behalf of the Los Angeles County Fire Department, and the entire State of California, we offer you this momento of the supreme sacrifice your husband and father made. Please accept it along with our deepest sympathies."

I felt the pride of motherhood as my 14 year old son, the man of the family now, bravely squared his shoulders, looked Hank Stanley directly in the eye, and said. "My mother, sister, and I gratefully accept it, and all that goes with it." Just as I had taught him to the night before.

He took the flag from Hank and Hank squeezed his shoulder, leaned in toward him and softly told him. "You did just fine son."

After the service, Marco and his wife took Chris and Jen to the wake that would be held at Roy's station. Johnny waited with me as the people dispersed. "We can go, you know." He reminded me gently.

"No, I have one more thing to do, but I'd rather wait until I have a little privacy." I insisted.

"Okay." Johnny agreed, not knowing what I was talking about.

When more people had filtered out, I went to the graveside, grabbed a handful of dirt, and dropped it in the grave. "Rest in peace, sweetheart. I'll see you again one day." I whispered softly listening to the clods of dirt land.


                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six agonizingly slow months had passed since Roy's funeral. I found the days crept by, but the nights were even worse. Johnny spent far more nights that he had off at our home, and that weighed heavily on my mind. He was paying all that money in rent, and he was barely ever there more than to collect his mail. One day I finally struck on a solution that would kill two birds with one stone. Roy had life insurance that had paid off the house. The monthly pension check we received was enough to get by on, but I couldn't seem to get ahead. So why not rent out the den to Johnny? He was practically living at our house anyway. I knew I'd never charge him as much rent as he paid for the apartment and I could always tempt him with the prospect of free meals. That evening I called his station.

"LA County Fire Department, Fireman Alden."

"Captain Gage, please." I requested.

"Just a moment please."

A few moments later Johnny picked up the phone. "Captain Gage."

"Hi Johnny, can you talk?"

"Hi Joanne, yeah. I'm in my office."

"Good."

"What's up?" He asked.

"I just had a crazy idea that would benefit both of us."

"Oh yeah, what's that?"

"Well it hardly makes sense for you to rent that apartment when your hardly ever there. . . "

"I don't mind that." Johnny interrupted.

"I know you don't, but how'd you like to rent a room at a place you spend all your time at anyway?"

He was quiet for a minute. "I don't know Joanne, what would people say?"

"I don't give a damn what people say. And although I hate to mention it, it really would help me out of the financial rut I'm in."

"How much?" He asked.

"What, you mean rent for the room?"

"Yeah."

"Well since it's only one room of the house how about $175 a month." I suggested.

"No way I'd consider doing it unless it was for $300 a month."

"Johnny that's way too much. It's only one room." I disagreed.

"Hear me out. It's not only rent for the room, but a share for the utilities, and food. You know how much it takes to feed me." He teased.

"You're being overly generous."

"That's the price or no deal." He said firmly.

"Alright, you've got a deal. $300 a month." I agreed.

"Okay, my lease expires at the end of the month. I was toying with the idea of getting something smaller anyway, I guess this is a step up for me."

"I'm glad you think so. Don't forget the deal includes a pesky 11 year old and a moody 14 year old."

"I'd say they're adjusting well, considering." Johnny defended them.

"Maybe Jen, but Chris is not handling it well at all."

"Give him some time Joanne, he and Roy were close, they did a lot of things together. He just misses him."

"We all miss him, Johnny. But none of the rest of us is lashing out at everything like he is. I started clearing out Roy's things from my closet today, and he blew up and accused me of trying to erase his father's memory from my life."

"I know how hard it was for you to even consider packing away Roy's things. It must have hurt to hear him say that."

"It did." I admitted.

"I'll talk to him." Johnny sighed.

"Please don't let him know that I told you what he said today."

"I won't."

"Okay, you coming by for breakfast in the morning?"

"Wouldn't miss it. The gutters need to be cleaned anyway."

"Good, I could use the company while the kids are in school." Before we got a chance to talk more, I heard the alarm sound.

"I gotta go." Johnny immediately said.

"I know, I heard. Stay safe, Johnny."

"You know I will." Johnny answered.

"Okay, bye."

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't know when I first started to notice Johnny for the handsome man he was.   I kept telling myself that it was unrealistic to think anything would come of what I had dubbed in my mind a school girl's crush. I was 37 years old, a widow with two children. Johnny was only 34, and my late husband's best friend. About eight months after Johnny had moved in, he caught up with me as I sat on the back deck steps staring up at the stars.

"There you are." He plopped down next to me.

"Just star watching." I said looking over at him. "Can't sleep?"

"No, I don't know why though. You?"

"Thinking of Roy again." I sighed.

"Yeah, mind if I ask you why you always come out to look at the stars when you're thinking of him?"

"No I don't mind, although I don't know if you'll want to know the answer or not. You know about the night I left home permanently?"

"The night you dreamed your dad killed Roy?"

"Um-hum. It was also the day Roy told me he was going to Vietnam. After I woke up from the nightmare, I needed him. I didn't want him going off to Vietnam with out making love to him."

"Under the stars?" Johnny asked incredulously.

"Yeah, why does that surprise you?" I asked. "I'm sure you've done it outside once or twice before."

"Yeah, but I never pictured Roy doing that. He always struck me as being more conservative than that."

"There was nothing conservative about Roy in that department." I chuckled. "When we bought this place, Roy and I christened every room."

Johnny laughed. "Joanne, I think that's more than I want to know."

"What? That Roy was like that, or that he was like that with me?" I teased.

"I don't know. Maybe a little of both." Johnny admitted.

"How long has it been since you've been with somebody?"

"Longer than I care to remember." Johnny answered nervously. "You really want to talk about this?"

"Why not, the kids are in bed. We're both adults." I answered.

"Okay, I'll bite. When was the last time for you and Roy?"

"The night before he died. Twice."

"Twice? Oh, I really didn't want to know that." We both laughed.

"We're not keeping you from seeing anybody are we?"

"No, there's nobody else I'd rather spend my time with than you."

"I just feel like we're holding you back, keeping you from starting your own family."

Johnny glanced away nervously. "I always told you, it would have to be someone like you, and there's nobody like you."

"What would you want with a broken down racehorse like me? I'm 37 years old with a 15 year old son, and a 12 year old daughter."

"You make it sound like you're ready for a nursing home. Joanne you're still young, you're strong, you're beautiful, you got a lot of things going for you."

"Oh, yeah, you don't exactly see men knocking down my door to tell me that." I joked.

"Well, I'm telling you." Johnny turned back to look at me.

I looked in his eyes a moment. "This is kind of awkward isn't it?"

"Yeah I know how I feel, but you were my best friend's wife. I feel like I'm being disloyal to Roy."

"Roy's gone, I'm not married anymore. I think he would want me to find happiness again."

"But could you be happy with me? I can't help reminding myself that I'm doing the same job that killed Roy."

"I've thought of that myself. Besides the fact I'm 3 years older than you."

"That doesn't matter to me. What does matter to me is that I'd be good enough for you."

"Johnny, I've told you before. You are not your father. I have no doubts as to just what a loving and gentle man you are."

"You're right, you know. I do love you and not just like a sister. I have for a while now."

"I love you too Johnny. I never said anything because I didn't want to make you feel obligated to feel that way about me."

"So are you willing to give this a try?" He asked looking deep in my eyes.

I thought about it for a minute. Johnny was right about one thing. He did work the same job that took Roy from me. Could I really give my heart to him, knowing the heartache it could cause me if something happened to him? I knew the answer already. I smiled at him. "Yes, Johnny, I'm willing to give it a try." Time seemed to stretch out, making things seem like they were moving in slow motion. Johnny wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him.

"You're sure?" He asked allowing me to back out if I wanted.

"Yeah, I'm sure." I answered, his lips gently covered mine in a tender kiss. We sat there, watching the stars for a while, just adjusting to the change in our relationship. We finally decided to call it a night and walked into the kitchen. Chris was sitting at the table glaring at us. "So, Uncle Johnny, just how long have you been screwing my mom?"

I stopped short. "Christopher Luke DeSoto, where exactly did you learn those words. Certainly not from me, or Johnny and definitely not from your father."

"Does it matter, the point is you two are doing it. Man and to think dad trusted you both. I hate you." He jumped up knocking over the chair and racing to his room slamming the door.

I sank down in another chair. "I'm sorry, Johnny." I said ashamed at my son's outburst.

"You have nothing to be sorry about. Chris is old enough to take responsibility for his own actions. Let me go talk to him." Johnny squeezed my shoulder. "Go on to bed. I'll check in with you as soon as I'm done talking to him."

"Okay, I hope you can get through to him. He's got to stop being so angry all the time. It'll eat him up inside."

I went to bed and heard the voices coming from Chris' room. I winced when at one point Chris shouted. "I don't have to listen to you, you're not my dad." But I waited patiently, hoping Johnny could get through to my troubled son. I heard the soft knock on the door.

"Joanne, you still up?" Johnny softly called.

"Yeah, come on in." I sat up propping pillows behind my back, leaning against the headboard.

Johnny came in and sat down on the bed near me. "Well, I hope I got through to him." He ran a hand through his hair.

"What did you tell him?" I asked curious.

"I told him he was old enough to understand that what you do in your personal life is your own business. I reminded him that his dad wasn't much older than he is now when he fell in love with you. So he should know what it's like to feel an attraction to a special girl and that's what happened to us. We're realizing that we want to be together, and since we're both adults it's none of his business, what we do about it. I asked him if Roy would have wanted you to be lonely for the rest of your life. And explained that Roy loved you enough to understand that you would need to feel loved, not only as a mother, but as a woman. I told him he needed to stop acting like a little boy and start acting like a man."

"Is that when I heard him shout at you?"

"Yeah, that's when I really let him have it. I asked him if his father had raised him to act like that. He told me to leave Roy out of it. So then I reminded him that children, are in most people's eyes, a reflection of their parents and asked him if this was how he wanted Roy remembered."

"What'd he say to that?"

"Nothing, but I could see he was thinking about it. So I told him I'd give him some time to think about it, and about apologizing to you, and if he wanted to talk more about it, all he had to do was ask." Johnny looked at me. "Do you think I handled it right?"

"I think it's exactly the way Roy would have handled it." I nodded reaching out to hold his hand.

I heard another soft knock on the door. "Mom?" Chris asked.

"Come in Chris." I called.

He came in the room and looked at Johnny and I holding hands. He swallowed nervously and came around to the other side of the bed and sat down. He looked down at his hands and apologized. "I'm sorry mom, for what I said earlier. Uncle Johnny's right. I don't want people thinking dad raised me to be a big jerk. I just miss him, and I was starting to feel a little jealous. I don't know what I was thinking, but I got it stuck in my head that if you got together with somebody, you'd forget about Jen and me."

"Chris, you and your sister are the most important people in my life. No matter who I see, I could never forget about you two. You have to remember, you're all I have left of Roy." I reached over and held his chin in my hand. "You both remind me so much of him everyday, especially you," I said looking at my son. "You look so much like him, and since you came in here to apologize, you're starting to act just like him too."

Chris smiled and hugged me. "That's all I ever want to be, is just like him."

"I know you do." I hugged him back. "You'd better go get some sleep, you've got school in the morning."

"Yeah, okay. Sorry I yelled at you Uncle Johnny."

"It's alright Chris. As long as we have an understanding now; what your mother and I do is our own business. It'll never effect your relationship with her or with me, no matter what happens."

"I know that now. Good night mom, night Uncle Johnny."

"Good night Chris." I called.

"Yeah, good night." Johnny added.

Chris walked back out, closing the door behind him. "I hope he's serious about what he said." I sighed.

"I'm sure he meant it."

"Oh, I know he meant his apology, I just meant I hope he meant wanting to be just like Roy. His grades have been slipping the past year. I've been trying to encourage him to do better, even telling him how important college was to Roy, that he'd even served in the military in Vietnam for two years just to pay for it. But it was like talking to a brick wall." I sighed.

"I'm sure you'll see an improvement." He said.

"I hope so."

"Joanne, I've been churning something around in my mind since we talked outside, I need to tell you something."

"Okay what is it?"

"From that day of the barbecue when we talked about our pasts, I think I've been in love with you. I don't mean that I'd ever think of going behind Roy's back or even asking you to cheat on him, but I knew there would never be another woman for me, that would compare to you."

"I think I knew that. I caught that look in your eye every once in a while when no one else was around, and you didn't think I was looking."

"Why didn't you ever bust me, or tell Roy about it? I'm assuming you never told Roy about it, because he never said anything to me about it."

"No, I never told him. The reason I never busted you was because you'd always get so embarrassed when I'd catch you. I didn't want to make you feel worse. As to the reason I never told Roy, well what would that have accomplished? I would have never been unfaithful to Roy, even with you, Johnny. Telling Roy would have only driven a wedge between you two, and I didn't want to do that."

"You sure are something special Joanne."

"So are you Johnny." I said sadly.

"You alright?" He asked.

"I was just thinking of how much I miss him, yet how much I really want to be with you right now." I admitted.

"I don't want to rush you."

I laughed a little. "I think it's me doing the rushing here. I'm a little out of practice, but I think I just invited you to spend the night."

Johnny grinned. "I know you did. But I mean we just admitted to being in love with each other, don't you think it's kind of soon?"

"You just got done telling me you've been in love with me for eleven years and you think it's too soon?" I joked.

"I guess I was just thinking you'd like to take things slow that's all," he grinned nervously.

"Johnny, it's been almost a year and a half for me, and God only knows how long for you. I'd say both of us need it pretty bad right about now." I got up on my knees in front of him. "Come on, take a chance." I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed across his jawline.

I felt his resolve weakening. "You're a hard woman to say no to. No wonder Roy was always in such a good mood after a few days home with you. I never knew this side of you, but I gotta tell you, I could get used to it."

"So am I winning you over?" I asked reaching over and stroking his cheek with my hand. He smiled at me, and caught my hand in his and pulled me to him. He wrapped me in his arms and kissed me with such passion it took my breath away. After we made love, I lay my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. I ran my hand along his smooth chest. I couldn't help but compare him to Roy. They were the only two men I'd ever made love with. Roy was a tender and gentle lover, our love for each other spilling over into our love making. It was comfortable and erotic and I enjoyed it every time. Johnny on the other hand was gentle, but more forceful, more demanding. Not that that was a bad thing, it just seemed to heighten my own pleasure trying to satisfy him. Since it was only our first time, I wondered if it would always be so exhilarating. I turned my head to look at his face. He looked so amazing laying there, his eyes closed, his perspiration soaked hair clinging to his forehead. I kissed him tenderly and then whispered as I kissed his neck. "Wanna go for round two?"

He grinned without opening his eyes. "You're insatiable, you know that?"

"Why do you think Roy never had any problems sleeping at the station?" I purred tracing his jawline with my finger.

He caught my hand and kissed it. "Looks like he never slept at home. And with the way you are in bed, I can see why." He rolled me back underneath him. And began kissing me all over my face and neck, urgently making his needs known.

I giggled, "I guess there are some advantages to being with a younger man."

"Yeah, I can keep up with you."   He teased.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just after Jen's 14th birthday, we called a family meeting. Chris was just about to turn 17 in March. I started nervously. "We wanted to make this a family decision. Chris, you and Jen have just as much say in this, because Johnny and I think you are old enough to be able to express your own opinions."

"I've asked your mom to marry me, but she wants to find out how you two feel about it first." Johnny told them.

"So you'd be our stepfather?"   Jen asked.

"Yes, that's right. What do you think about that?"

Chris looked at me. "I think you've already been being our stepfather for a while. I think dad would have liked to have somebody that cares so much about us taking care of us for him."

I smiled at him, proud of the turn around he'd made since Johnny talked to him the night we first kissed. "I think Roy would have been proud of you for saying that, that's a very mature thing to say, Chris." I complimented watching him blush under my praise. "What about you Jen?"

"I think Chris is right. Uncle Johnny's been there for us right from the beginning. It seems right that he becomes our stepdad." She looked at him. "But what do we call you now?"

"You can call me anything you want, since I've been Uncle Johnny to you, your whole life, it's fine with me if you still call me that or just Johnny. Whatever your comfortable with."

"So you've both decided that it's okay for us to get married?" I asked.

Both of them nodded. "And you're both okay seeing your mother and I hugging and kissing in front of you. We've been being discreet up to now, but if we're married we will be showing affection for each other." Johnny explained.

"We know." Chris nodded.

So Johnny and I married on Valentine's day 1985. We were pleasantly surprised at the showing of support we got from all our friends. We were both fearful that they wouldn't accept the fact that we fell in love after Roy's death, and read more into it, suspecting we were lovers before Roy's death. But our friends knew us well, and they knew how dedicated Roy and I were to each other. They never doubted for a second that we fell for each other after Roy was gone.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

April 1985 found our family gearing up for Chris' high school graduation. I drove over to Johnny's station, to visit him and tell him some news. "Hi Mrs. Gage." Greeted me as I entered the equipment bay. It still gave me a surprise being called Mrs. Gage, after being Mrs. DeSoto for so long.

"Hi everybody. Johnny around?"

"Cap's in his office, doing paperwork." Johnny's engineer Lance Roberts answered pointing to the office.

"Thanks." I said heading into the office and closing the door.

Johnny looked up from his paperwork. "Hi honey, I thought I heard your voice out there." He smiled at me and came around his desk, leaning against it, he pulled me in his arms and kissed me. "So what do I owe this pleasant surprise to?"

"Funny you should say surprise." I laughed nervously. "I've got a big one for you. I never expected this one. I'm 39 years old, Chris is graduating in a few months, and Jen's starting to date. . . . " I felt my myself babbling.

Johnny stopped me. "Sorry, sweetheart, you lost me."

I again laughed nervously.   "I'm pregnant." I blurted out.

"Pregnant." Johnny repeated. "You sure?"

"Just came from the doctor's. I went in to get checked out thinking I'd hit menopause, but surprise, I guess I still have one more in me."

"Oh Joanne, this is great. Not that I'll ever treat Chris or Jen differently than my own child, but it's more than I hoped for. I'll really have a child that will be part of me."

"So you're not upset?"

"No, I'm thrilled. What about you, how do you feel about it?"

"I'm a little shocked I guess, but I'm happy. I'm glad I can give you a child of your own."

"One thing we have to agree on is always to keep this conversation a secret. I don't want Chris or Jen finding out how I really feel about it."

"You're right, I think they're old enough to understand, but if there's even a chance of causing any resentment, we should keep it from them." I agreed.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two days before Christmas 1985, my youngest son was born. I watched Johnny hold his son for the first time and couldn't help but be reminded of that same look of joy on Roy's face the first time he'd held Chris.

"God, Joanne, he looks so much like me." Johnny said in awe, looking down at his sleeping son.

"I was hoping he would. At my age, he may be the only one I can give you."

"I never expected to even have him. It doesn't matter if he's the only one we have. Besides after the hard labor you had, I'm surprised you'd even think about another one." He teased.

Things have changed a lot since the last time I did this. With Chris and Jen, I just went to sleep, and woke up with a baby.   I never realized it was such hard work before." I grinned. "Roy would have liked to be in the room when Chris and Jen were born."   I said sadly.

"Yeah. He was always so amazed at the miracle of birth every time we delivered one as paramedics." Johnny recalled fondly.

Chris and Jen appeared at the door to the room. "Can we come in mom?" Chris asked.

"Of course, come in and meet your new brother. Roy Jonathan Gage." I said motioning them to come in and sit down.

"You named him after dad." Chris stated sitting down, absorbing the surprise we had saved for them.

"That's neat." Jennifer agreed. "Can I hold him?"

"Sure." Johnny handed her the tiny infant. She looked at him carefully. "He looks like you Johnny."

"Yeah, he does." Chris agreed. "I bet you're happy about that, huh Johnny?"

Johnny and I exchanged a look, mine telling him I told you they were old enough to understand. We smiled and Johnny answered. "I guess I am pleased. Chris, you look so much like your dad, and Jen takes after your mom, so I guess I am happy to have one of you guys look like me."

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had just finished bathing Roy, and was rocking him to sleep in June 1986, when Johnny and Chris came in the living room and sat down. "Joanne, we need to talk to you about something." Johnny said.

"Okay, what is it?" I asked.

"Mom, I know how important going to college was to you and dad, and Johnny too. Last summer Johnny and I talked. And I promised him I would give college a chance for one year. But I want to pursue my real calling."

I knew what was coming. I sighed. "You want to be a fireman like your dad."

"More than that, mom. I want to be a fireman-paramedic like my dad." Chris confessed.

"I know I should have told you that Chris and I talked about this last year, but Chris asked that I keep it to myself and let him make up his own mind." Johnny admitted.

"When you talked to him, you explained the risks right?" I asked Johnny.

"I tried to talk him out of it." Johnny answered.

"Mom, I know the risks, my father lost his life on the job. But I just know in my heart this is what I want to do." Chris told me.

"Well, I have to admit, you've approached this in a mature way, at least you gave college a try. If I've been a fireman's wife this long, I guess I can be a fireman's mother." I smiled at him.

"Thanks mom." He came over and kissed my cheek.

Later on that evening in bed, Johnny and I lay in each other's arms talking. "You know he was pretty scared to tell you."

"Why? What did he think I'd do, forbid him to do it? He's 18 years old, old enough to make his own decisions."

"Yeah, but he didn't want to hurt you. He still remembers how hard Roy's death was on you."

"It was hard on all of us." I added. "But just because I said he's old enough to make his own decisions, doesn't mean I won't worry about him."

"I wouldn't have expected any less from you." Johnny chuckled.

I rolled over in his arms on top of him and kissed him deeply. "Hey, fireboy." I teased kissing his neck. "Wanna put my fire out?"

"I think I'm up for that challenge." He smiled pulling my lips to his in a fiery kiss.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By December 1991, I was suffering from some serious empty nest syndrome. Chris and Jen had both moved out by now, and my youngest Roy, had started school full time. It was then that Johnny suggested I go back to school and finish my degree. "You know, Roy always regretted that you never got a chance to finish," he told me.

"I never regretted it." I said honestly.

"He knew that, but it still bugged him. So why don't you do it?"

"Why don't I do it? Do you realize most of the students in class would be younger than Chris and Jen?"

"What's the matter, scared?" He challenged, teasingly.

"Just let me think about it, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." He agreed.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So my story comes full circle. Write what you know, well here's what I know. I'm 44 years old, married to a Fire Station Captain, widowed from my first love for ten years now. I'm the mother of three wonderful children. Chris is 24 years old now, a firefighter-paramedic at Station 51, the same one his father worked at. In another ironic twist, Marco Lopez, one of Roy's crewmates when he served there is now Chris' captain. Jen is 21 years old and a student nurse at Rampart General Hospital under Dixie McCall. The same Dixie McCall that introduced Roy to the paramedic program all those years ago. As for my youngest, he grows to look more and more like Johnny every day. And I have my suspicions that I'm raising another little fireman too. He's 6 now, he'll be 7 in another month, and every year since he's been 3, he's wanted to dress up as a fireman for Halloween. Not to mention the thrill he gets when he visits his dad at the fire station, and Johnny lets him pretend to drive the big engine.

By taking this drive down memory lane, I guess I've tried to show what I know, the life of a fireman's wife. We aren't born ready to accept the hazards of our husband's jobs, and not every woman is cut out for it.   But to me, it's just the way life goes. We have our joys, and sorrows, the disappointments in life, and the thrill of just being alive. Maybe we just feel the tragedies a little deeper and treasure the joys a little more, because we truly live by the motto "One day at a time".

Johnny and I hosted his shift's annual picnic not too long ago, and one of his men's wife asked me how I could have married Johnny, after Roy had been killed doing the same job. My simple answer was, "Because I love him, he loves his job, and who am I to ask him to change."

"But aren't you scared he'll die too?" She asked.

"One thing I learned from Roy's death, is that when it's you time, it's your time. I don't want to waste any of the time I have with Johnny agonizing over whether today will be the day or not. Don't get me wrong, I worry about his safety, but I don't let it interfere with the business of living. My favorite saying is 'Live each day as if it were your last.' If today's Johnny's last day, then I'm damn well going to be sure it's a fully lived day. That way I'll have nothing to regret."

I guess that's the true moral to this story. After all I've been through in my life, this fireman's wife has absolutely no regrets. Not for my tortured childhood, or becoming pregnant with Chris and leaving college, marrying Roy, losing him and choosing to marry another fireman.

I think after I'm gone, I'd like to have written on my tombstone. "Joanne Dion DeSoto Gage. Born December 11, 1947. Died ?????????. Loving fireman's wife and mother. She had no regrets."

                                                                                THE END

I owe enormous gratitude to some people who helped me make my dream of getting a story published possible. First off to Janet for giving this story a home, even though I broke one of her cardinal rules and killed off a main character. Second to Kenda for giving encouragement to a novice writer to pursue my dream. And finally to my husband, Terry, for always telling me that my writing was good enough when he was the only audience to read it. You can say it honey, "I told you so."

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