MEMOIRS OF A FIREMAN'S WIFE by Mary Ann "Write what you know." Those easy words slipped out of my college writing professor's mouth. "But what do I know, besides being a fireman's wife, stay at home mom, and a 44 year old college student. Most of the students in here are younger than Chris and Jennifer, my oldest son and daughter." I replied at a loss as to the meaning of "write what you know." "So start at the beginning and tell your story. I'm sure it's a lot more interesting than you think it is." He encouraged. I left his office that day still at a loss to figure out what he meant, but wanting to make my family proud by following through on my promise to graduate college at any cost, I figured I'd have to give it a try. After putting my youngest son Roy to bed, with the promise his dad would pick him up from school the next afternoon, I finally sat down at the desk my husband and I shared and pulled the first blank page out. "Begin at the beginning." I muttered to myself as I stared at the clean sheet of paper in front of me. "Well, here goes nothing." I picked up the freshly sharpened pencil and allowed my mind to wander back to that crisp fall day in 1957. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Joanne, please show our new student Roy where to put his coat and lunchbox." Mrs. Nevers requested. Being the good girl I was, I immediately answered. "Yes, Mrs. Nevers. Come on." I motioned for Roy to follow me and led him to an empty locker near my own. As he put his coat and lunchbox away, I scanned him over. A kind of stocky build, a few inches shorter than me, but my momma kept telling me not to worry, the boys would catch up growing, and surpass me in a few more years. Reddish blond hair and a fair complexion completed the picture. It was when he turned to face me that I noticed the blue eyes. Never had I seen such penetrating blue eyes before. Embarrassed at being caught staring, I tried to recover. "So your name's Roy right? Where are you from?" "Yeah, Roy DeSoto, up until this June I lived in Sacramento," he said in a soft comfortable tone. "So why'd you move?" I immediately regretted the question as soon as it left my lips, ashamed of the hurt look that clouded his blue eyes instantly. "My father died in a automobile crash. My mom and I moved down here to live near my grandparents." He answered looking down. "I'm sorry." I whispered wanting to take the pain I caused away from him. Something in my voice must have registered how much I meant it, because he looked up and nodded. "It's alright, I'm getting used to it now." He quickly changed the subject as we walked back to the classroom. "I'm sorry, I forgot your name." "It's Joanne, Joanne Dion." I answered. "Well, Joanne, looks like between DeSoto and Dion, we'll be sitting together in most classes, if they seat in alphabetical order." "They do." I nodded in agreement. "It'll be nice to have a friendly face nearby anyway." And right there at the doorway to the classroom, he flashed me the first smile that'd I'd ever seen that made his blue eyes twinkle. It was the first, but by no means the last one I'd ever see, though I didn't know it at the time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Through the following years, we continued to be good friends, enduring the innocent pre-teen teasing about being girlfriend and boyfriend, which we weren't. We just seemed to be drawn to each other. I don't know what Roy's motivation for being such close friends with me was. But for my part, it was his kindness and patience that drew me to him. I'd grown up in a family, that from all outward appearances, was a happy one. But all families have their secrets. Ours held the most deepest, darkest one. My father was a closet alcoholic. He owned and operated one of the most successful horse breeding farms in California, went to church on Sunday, just like anybody else, but it was a sham. Evenings and weekends were hell in my home. From the time he came in from the barns until he passed out in bed at night, no one, my mother, sister, or I dared cross him, least we'd feel the importance of the lesson he would teach us, for some real or imagined transgression. My mother began allowing me to stay out much later than other kids did when I was 14. Also when the proverbial shit hit the fan, she never questioned where I was those nights when I didn't return home. The only thing that kept me in school was my intense desire not to piss off my father by bringing home bad grades, and Roy, yes my dear friend Roy. Even as my best friend, he only knew so much. I'd told him my father drank and yelled a lot, but I was too ashamed to tell him my father's yelling didn't compare to the beatings we got on a regular basis. My father was not a stupid man, knowing he'd be questioned if any of us showed up with bruises on our faces. He confined his beatings to places that could be covered with clothing. Whether Roy ever knew what was really happening, he never said. To this day I wonder if that was one of his reasons for remaining friends with me. One night when I was almost 16, after a particularly cruel beating, I wandered into the park. I'd spent many a night sleeping on one of the benches there. Tears fell down my cheeks, blurring my vision as I stumbled along, looking for an isolated part of the park where I wouldn't be noticed. Finally finding a picnic table that seemed deserted, I climbed up, sitting on the table, my feet pulled up on the bench. I wrapped my arms around my legs, burying my face in my lap and sobbed. Once again I felt at the end of my rope. Suicide had been a thought I'd flirted with a few times in moments like this, where I didn't think there was any hope in going on. Years later, Roy told me, he'd just been hanging out in the park with Luke, and some of his buddies, showing off the car he'd just bought when he'd spotted me stumbling through the park. Immediately he said good bye to his friends jumped in his car and drove around the park to the parking lot on the other side so his friends wouldn't follow him. He started off on foot looking for me. As I sat there trying to find some reason to hang on, I felt someone sit next to me and gently lay a hand on my back. "Joanne, are you okay?" He asked softly. I burst out into renewed sobs. In all my life, I'd never heard a male's voice so filled with concern over my welfare. Before I knew it, he pulled me into a strong embrace, allowing me to cry on his chest. He laid his head on top of mine. "It's okay Joanne, I'm here, it's okay." He soothed as I found myself continuing to sob uncontrollably. When I had no more tears left, he still held me, patiently waiting for me to explain why he'd just found his best friend sobbing her eyes out. "I've got no reason to go on." I admitted quietly. "Go on with what?" He asked lifting my chin to face him. "Go on living." I whispered. "Oh, Joanne, that's not true. I know things aren't the greatest at home for you, but it can't be so bad that you'd think about killing yourself." I sighed, knowing I'd have to tell him the whole truth to make him understand where I was coming from. "Roy, I haven't been completely honest with you. I've told you my dad drinks and yells. That's not all he does." I explained looking away ashamed, afraid to see the look on Roy's face. "Does he hit you?" He asked softly. I couldn't form the words to answer him; all I could do was nod my head. The silence hung thick in the air. All the time, I assumed the worst, that now that Roy knew, he'd want nothing to do with me anymore. He took my by surprise when he finally said. "You've got a lot to hang on for Joanne. You're smart, you write beautiful poetry, and . . . you've got me. Aren't I worth living for?" He asked as his blue eyes sparkled. "Roy, you're my friend, but . . . " "No buts, answer the question. Am I worth enough to you to go on living?" I mulled the question over. Was he enough of a reason to go on? All I knew was he was the only good thing in my life. I thought back to the first day I met him, when I saw the pain in his eyes when he told me about his dad. Could I really end it all knowing I'd be the reason to put that hurt look back there? "You don't know what you're worth to me? Jeez Roy, you're the only guy in my life that's ever been nice to me, or even care about me. Besides trying to avoid a serious beating, you're the only other reason I'm even in school at all. . . . " I trailed off. "You're right you know. I do care about you. It's been growing since the first day we met in the 4th grade. Joanne I love you." "God Roy, you're only 16 and I'm 15, how can you be so sure you're in love with me?" I asked doubtfully. "Because I am. It's that simple. I've been feeling this way for a while, I just didn't know how to tell you." Roy answered firmly. I pulled away from him and sat at the very edge of the picnic table. I wrapped my arms around myself. The night was turning colder than I'd expected. There wouldn't be many more nights I could sleep out in the park now that winter was setting in. "How can you think you're in love with someone like me Roy? I'm not worthy of that from you. You deserve someone better, someone that doesn't have all this baggage." I felt him slip his jacket over my shoulders. "Joanne, you're more than worthy. In fact, I'm not so sure I'm good enough for you. You're smart Joanne; you'll go places in life. And you're beautiful. I'm not that much to look at. . . " "Stop it Roy. You're the most handsome person I know. You've got the most expressive eyes. I just love it when you smile and I see that twinkle in them. . . " "Ah-ha, so you do love me." Roy laughed. I sat stunned for a minute recalling what I'd just said I smiled at him. "Yeah, I guess I do love you Roy." He pulled me close in his arms again. For the first time in a very long time, I was safe. "I'm always here for you. I'll do my best to keep you safe. Trust me." Roy said. "I do trust you Roy, always have." I whispered as his lips found mine in our first kiss. "Come on, I'll take you home. It's too cold for you to stay out here tonight, I'm assuming you're not going home?" "No, it's better on nights like this if I just stay away." I answered. "Well, from now on, you come straight to my place." "I'm scared Roy, what are we going to tell your mom?" "We'll tell her what we have to. Don't worry, she's a very understanding person. She'd be mad at me if I didn't offer for you to stay with us when you need to." Roy jumped off the picnic table and held his hand out to help me down. I took his hand and let him lead me to his car. I never found out what exactly Roy told his mother that night. I only know she welcomed me with open arms and told me exactly what Roy said she would. If I ever was in trouble to immediately come to their home, regardless if Roy was there or not. That night Roy led me to his bedroom. "Roy, I'm the guest, this is your house, I can sleep just fine on the couch." I protested. "No way, only the best for my girl." He smiled, kissed me quickly and gave me a warm hug. "Good night Joanne." "Good night Roy. Um, by the way, you mind if I borrow a T-shirt or something?" I asked hesitantly. "Sure, there's some in the second drawer of the dresser." He answered smiling. "See you in the morning." "Okay, thanks Roy, for everything." "Things will get better now, you'll see." "I hope so." I pushed his bedroom door closed behind me. I looked around his room, it was a typical boy's room, cluttered, but surprisingly not messy. I felt a little strange going into his dresser for a T-shirt to wear to bed, but I really had come to hate sleeping in my clothes all night. I fell exhausted into his bed. Falling asleep more quickly than I had in a long time. The knowledge that I was safe, and the ever present scent of Roy on his T-shirt lulling me quickly to sleep. My dreams that night were not of the newfound love Roy and I had just discovered, but the nightmare that always seemed to follow closely behind one of my father's beatings. When I had slept in the park, more than once, I'd come to awareness running through the park furiously looking for a place to hide. In the unfamiliar surroundings, I had stumbled into Roy's desk and dresser. That's where he found me when he came bursting into the room moments later. I was curled up into a tight ball in the small space between the two pieces of furniture. Since I wasn't fully awake yet, I didn't recognize him. "I'm sorry daddy, I'll do better, give me another chance. I promise, I'll stop being bad, I'll be good." I heard myself say as I raised my arms up to protect my head. "Joanne, it's okay, it's Roy. You're safe. You're in my bedroom. It's just a nightmare. Joanne?" He spoke gently having the good sense not to reach out and touch me then. "Roy?" I asked in a small voice finally waking up fully from the powerful nightmare. "Yeah, that's right, it's me Roy. Here, let me help you out of there." He extended his hand to me. "I should have warned you about the nightmares." I said taking his hand as he pulled me out of the confined space. "You have them a lot?" He asked worriedly as we sat down on the bed together. "Usually only after he's beaten me." I answered truthfully. Roy wrapped his arms around me. "It's okay, you're safe now." He kissed my cheek. "Would you mind staying with me?" I asked feeling myself still shaking as an after effect of the realistic nightmare. "Sure, just let me go get my pillow and blanket." "You're mom won't mind?" "She'll understand." Roy answered. "Don't worry about it." He returned a minute later his pillow and blanket in tow. "Get in." He held back the covers for me and I slid into the bed. Covering me snuggly, he slid in on the opposite side. "Come here." He said softly pulling me into his strong arms and pushing my head gently down on his chest. "Now you can't have any nightmares, I'll chase them away." "God, what did I ever do to deserve you." I sighed gently kissing him. "Thank you." "You don't need to keep thanking me. You're my girl now; I'll do anything for you. Now go to sleep. Good night Joanne." "Good night Roy." Contrary to what anyone reading my memoirs might think, just because Roy and I shared a bed together on the nights I fled from my house of horrors to his safe haven, we did not have sex there. Roy's mother had made that the one stipulation to my spending the nights with Roy. She would not allow that type of behavior under her roof. Roy agreed out of respect for his mother. I agreed, afraid to lose my safe place to come to when things got unbearable at home. And so the rest of our high school years followed the same pattern begun that fateful night. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Roy took me back to that same picnic table in the park where we'd first confessed our love to each other, the afternoon we graduated from high school. "Joanne, there's something important I need to tell you." He said helping me up on the picnic table. "Sounds serious." I replied sitting down. "It is." He sat down next to me quietly for a minute. "I don't know how to make this any easier than to come right out and tell you. Luke and I enlisted yesterday. We leave for basic training at the end of the month." "What?! Why didn't you tell me before that you were thinking about enlisting. Roy, They'll send you to Vietnam." I exclaimed scared out of my wits. "I know, look Jo, it's only for two years, and then I'll come home and the G. I. Bill will pay for me to go to college. You know my mother doesn't have that kind of money to send me to college." "Two years, but Roy, Vietnam for God's sake. What if. . . . What if you don't come back?" I asked tears streaming down my face. "I'll be back, nothing will keep me from coming back to you, I promise. Have I ever broken a promise to you before?" I shook my head no. "But two years. How do I know that you won't meet someone better in two years?" "Because I'm telling you I won't and because I want you to promise me we'll get married as soon as we both finish college." "Married?" I repeated shocked. "Yes, promise me we'll get married when we graduate college." Roy repeated. I suddenly knew that this was what I wanted more than anything out of life, to be Roy's wife, to be with him for the rest of my life. "Okay Roy, I promise you, when we graduate college, we'll get married." "Good, I was hoping you'd say that. Here." He pulled a small box out of his pocket and handed it to me. I snapped it open to find the most beautiful diamond ring nestled in the rich velvet of the jewelry box. Roy slid it on my finger. "It's beautiful. Thank you Roy." Roy gathered me into his arms. "You're the one that's beautiful." He said just before we shared the first passionate kiss of our lives. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That was the most wonderful, awful day in my young life. When Roy dropped me off at home that evening, I raced straight to my mom in the kitchen to share my exciting news, not knowing my father overheard every word. He made his presence known as soon as I blurted out about Roy's proposal. "So that son of a bitch is finally going to make an honest woman out of that whore daughter of yours." He sneered at my mother. "That is if he doesn't get his stupid ass shot off in Vietnam first." I had endured years of this verbal abuse, and I could tolerate it when it was directed at me, but something in me snapped that day when he started in on Roy. "Just shut up!" I screamed at him for the first time in my life. "Roy will come back from Vietnam, you just watch. And we are going to get married." As soon as the words left my mouth, I saw that cold glare come into my father's eyes. I knew right then, I was in for the worst beating of my life. "Run Joanne!" I heard my mother shout as my father lunged for me. I tried to sidestep him to the back door, but he slammed the door shut again when I had only opened it half way. "Goddamn whore needs a lesson in respect!" He shouted grabbing me by the hair and dragging me into the living room. For the next hour, I endured the worst beating of my life. He was so enraged that I dared to talk back to him, he didn't care where his blows landed. Why he ever stopped, I'll never know. All I know is he left me bloodied and bruised on the living room carpet. I lay there for several minutes, afraid he was testing me to see if I'd get up. I cautiously opened one eye and found him nowhere in sight. I jumped up and fled from my childhood home, never to return again. I didn't know where I'd live, but I vowed never to step foot in my father's house again. After running the whole way to Roy's house, I collapsed on the front step. It took me several minutes to find the strength to lift my arm and push the doorbell. Roy opened the door and I fell into the doorway in a heap. "Oh, Jesus! Mom!" He shouted scooping me up in his arms and rushing into his bedroom. He laid me down gently on the bed. "Christ, what did that bastard do to you?" Ellen DeSoto rushed in the room. "Roy, what's wrong? Oh, my God!" My eyes were too swollen shut to see either of them clearly, but I could tell that by the tone of their voices, I didn't look too good. "Keep her calm, I'll be right back." Ellen instructed Roy. "He said bad things about you Roy, I just lost it. I talked back to him for the first time in my life." I told Roy squeezing his hand I was gripping to like a lifeline. "Oh, Joanne, you shouldn't have, look what he put you through." Roy said sadly. "You're worth it Roy. I just don't know what I'm gonna do now. I can't go back there, I just can't." I felt someone washing my face with a washcloth, I didn't realize it was Ellen until she spoke. "You're not going back there, ever! You'll stay here with me. Even after Roy goes in the army, you're staying here," she said firmly. "What if he decides to come after me here?" I asked panicked. "I can't put you in that danger." "Listen honey, I haven't lived on my own since Roy's daddy died without learning to protect myself. If he's stupid enough to try something, I'll be ready for him. Just remember, he has no power over you, you're 18 now, so you don't have to live under his roof just because he says so." "Roy what do you think?" I asked. "I think your dad would be a fool to try and tangle with my mom. She's not bluffing about knowing how to defend herself. Who do you think taught me how to hunt when I was 13?" "You two always make me feel so safe. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come in to my life when you did." I tried to stop the tears flowing out the sides of my blackened eyes, but there was no stopping them. "Shh, get some rest. You'll feel better in the morning." I felt Roy lay down beside me and pull me into his arms. "Good night." Ellen called from the doorway. "Good night mom." Roy said holding me tight as I sobbed in his arms. "Nobody's ever going to hurt you again. My mom and me will see to that. You just relax and get better." I awoke that night in the grip of the most powerful, vivid nightmare I ever had. I found myself screaming and struggling with Roy. "Calm down Joanne, it's me, Roy." He softly said in my ear as he pinned me to the bed. "Oh God Roy. I saw him kill you!" I wrapped my arms tightly around him. "He didn't kill me, I'm right here. You're safe." He kissed me all over my face where there were no bruises. "You're going to be okay. I love you, you're going to be fine." "I love you too Roy." I sought out his lips, not caring the pain it caused my swollen lip. I needed him more than I ever had before. A few minutes later, Roy broke off the kiss. "Jo, we've got to stop." "I don't want to stop." I answered. "I know, me neither, but we promised my mom, remember?" "I can't Roy. I can't send you off to Vietnam and not know what it's like to be with you. If. . . .if you don't come back, I'll drive myself crazy over it." Roy thought it over for a minute. "Okay, come on, let's go for a drive." He grabbed his keys off the dresser. "Let me just leave mom a note that we're going for a drive. I'll meet you in the garage." I crept to the garage waiting nervously for Roy. He came out a moment later, and we headed out. "Anyplace special you want to go?" He asked. "Yeah, let's go back to the picnic table. I know the place is deserted." He parked the car and pulled a blanket out of the backseat. "You're sure you want to do this?" "I'm sure." I answered more confidently than I felt, but I wasn't going to back out. What I'd told Roy was the truth. "Do you. . . . I mean. . . should we have stopped to the drugstore?" I asked feeling myself blush, thankful for the darkness. "It's okay, I have one. My uncle gave it to me last year. Said no young man should be caught without one." He laughed covering his own nervousness. "Come on." He took my hand in his and we walked to the large oak tree near the picnic table. "This is good Roy, maybe we'd better stay near the trees." I suggested suddenly feeling self-conscious. "Okay, whatever you want." Roy agreed spreading the blanket out on the ground. He helped me sit down next to him. "Um, Roy, I, ah, I'm not sure how to start." I told him nervously. "Well, why don't we just lay back and watch the stars for a while, and let whatever happens, happen," he suggested. We lay there in each other's arms for a while. I finally found the courage to look over at him and say. "I love you Roy, make love to me." Roy rolled on his side supporting his head on his hand. "I love you too, you're sure?" "I'm sure. I just want to feel as close to you as I can. I want to always remember this moment. That my first time was with my first love." He leaned in and kissed me passionately. "If you're not ready to do something, you tell me to stop." I nodded my agreement, knowing I wasn't going to tell him to stop. We made love that night. I'd never met anyone as tender and gentle as Roy was. He showed me what a real man was that night. We returned to his home in the early morning hours, and fell asleep in each other's arms. For the first time in my life, I felt truly wanted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The weeks before Roy left for basic training passed quickly. We never did sneak out again to make love. Promising each other the next time would be when he returned from Vietnam. I tried not to dwell on the fact that the one night in the park, might be the only time we made love, but it gnawed at me, especially at night. I'd lay awake in Roy's arms and watch him sleep, memorizing his face, afraid after he left, I'd never see him again. He held me tight at the bus station just before boarding the bus. "I love you Joanne, I'll be back." "I love you too, I'll be waiting." I fought back the tears. His last memory of me was not going to be of tears running down my face, but of me smiling and waving as the bus pulled away. He kissed me deeply. "Good bye," he whispered and boarded the bus. I bravely waved and smiled as the bus pulled away, and then let the tears roll down my face. We faithfully exchanged letter. I've kept the ones from Roy to this day in a box in my hope chest. I worried about him constantly. Never more so than the last six months he was there. There was a saying at that time, that the most dangerous time in Vietnam was the first six months and the last six months. Roy wrote me about his training as a medic, and some of the rescues he'd done. I wrote him about how my classes at the junior college were going, and how much I missed him. Three months before the end of Roy's tour of duty, my father died. I wasn't sorry to see him go, and wouldn't have gone to the funeral, if Ellen hadn't talked me into going for my mom's sake. I went, but I didn't shed one tear for the tortured man that had made my life a living hell growing up. Roy wrote me back after I'd written him about the funeral, and told me he was proud of me for going, and said he would have told me the same thing if he'd been there when it happened. I crossed out the days on my calendar as the date he would return approached. I was in constant fear of seeing an official military vehicle pull up in the driveway. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ellen and I waited anxiously at the bus stop the day of Roy's discharge in June 1967. I was terrified that something would happen to him while he was on his way home to me. But when the bus pulled in, Roy sprang down from the steps, his arms opened wide for his mother and I. After two years, he hadn't changed much. Although he had finally grown into the broad shoulders he'd had since he was 14. He was more muscular than I remembered and had more of an air of confidence about him. After hugging his mom separately, he wrapped his arms around me. "I told you I'd be back," he whispered in my ear as he held me tight. "And I told you I'd be here waiting for you." I choked out as tears of joy this time rolled down my cheeks. We kissed, knowing nothing would ever keep us apart again. That night we snuck out of the house, and drove back to the park to celebrate Roy's return. We made love again, both of us throwing caution to the wind in our excitement of being together again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was 2 months later that I left a note on the kitchen table asking Roy to meet me at the picnic table in the park when he got home from work. I sat there on the table trying to figure out how Roy would take what I had to tell him. At best, I figured he'd leave me sitting there, at worst I figured he'd get mad. And I knew what men did when they got mad. I was so engrossed in my own thoughts, I never heard him approach until he sat down next to me encircling my waist with his arm. "Okay, I'm here, what did you want to talk to me about?" He asked. "Roy, I don't know how to tell you this." I stammered out. "What is it, what's wrong?" "I'm pregnant." I said resigning myself to my fate, whatever that would be. "You're sure?" He asked stunned. "Yeah, I went to the doctor today. He said I'm probably six to eight weeks pregnant. If you remember it was about that time that you got back from Vietnam. And you know what we did that night." "Yeah, I know." Roy answered. We were silent for a moment before I said. "It's okay Roy, just let me have it and get it over with." "What are you talking about?" He asked surprised. "You're mad. It's okay, I've been through it before, just do whatever you have to do, but don't hurt the baby." "Jo, I have no intention of beating you up just because you told me you're pregnant." He said surprising me. "But aren't you mad?" I asked. "No, I'm not mad, and even if I were, I'd never hit you. I don't ever want you to be scared of me." "What are we gong to do? Neither of us was expecting this. We're not ready." I leaned into his chest crying. "I'll just take the civil servant's test and get a job. That's what Luke's doing. He's going into the fire department. I've been kicking the idea around myself anyway." "But what about college?" I asked. "I don't want you to regret someday that you didn't get to go." "That was always my mom's dream for me." Roy answered. "But you went to Vietnam for it?" "Because I knew my mom wanted me to go, and I knew she couldn't afford it. I won't regret my decision to join the fire department, but I do regret you're not going to be able to finish college." "Hey, we all make sacrifices. Besides, the only thing I really want to do is be a good wife to you." "As long as you promise not to be afraid to tell me anything. You have my word of honor, I will never, ever hit you, no matter what." He looked me deep in the eyes. "I swear." "I trust you Roy, I'm sorry I doubted you." "Then it's settled, as soon as we can get the paperwork together, we'll get a Justice of the Peace and get married. Come on, let's go tell my mom she's going to be a grandmother." "Won't she be mad?" I asked nervously. "Her rule was not under her roof, we respected that. Don't worry, I got a feeling she already knows what we were up to the night I got back and we snuck out." Roy grinned at me. Roy really knew his mom well. Perhaps it was because it had been just the two of them for so long, but true to his word, Ellen was thrilled to find out she was going to be a grandmother. She wasn't so thrilled when Roy announced he wasn't going to college, but into the fire department, but Roy won her over, and in the end, she finally hugged her son and told him all she ever wanted for him in life was to be happy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We moved to Los Angeles shortly after Christopher Luke was born in March of 1968. Roy and Luke were both offered jobs with the Los Angeles County Fire Department. We shared a small apartment with Luke in an attempt for all of us to save enough money to get nicer places more quickly. I was so naive that first year. It never really hit me how dangerous the job Roy and Luke did was. Shortly after Roy's 22nd birthday in 1969, the reality of the job came crashing down on our heads. Luke Emonds, Roy's best buddy since 6th grade, died in Roy's arms at a fire. They'd been inseparable since grade school, high school, joined the army together, served in Vietnam together, even joining the fire department together. And Roy watched helplessly as Luke died in his arms waiting for an ambulance to take him to the hospital. It devastated Roy. He'd been a medic in the army. He knew what needed to be done to save Luke, even knew how to do it. But in 1969, there were no paramedics. Luke Emonds died simply for want of a fast IV and some Atropine. Common medications carried by every paramedic unit nowadays. Roy was pretty despondent the first few weeks after Luke's death. We attended Luke's funeral, the first Fire Department funeral for both of us. It was our first, but certainly not our last. Roy visited a councilor recommended by the Department at Rampart General Hospital. It was there that he met Dixie McCall and found out about the paramedic program that she was campaigning for in California. Meeting Dixie that day helped Roy more than the councilor did. Dixie had served in Korea as a nurse in a M.A.S.H. unit. She knew about medics, and how skilled they were. She convinced Roy to join the campaign. In 1970 my husband became one of the original 6 paramedics trained in Los Angeles County. Though trained, they were not certified by the state to provide more than basic first aid. I got pregnant again about the same time and Jennifer Lynn was born in January 1971. Roy was continuing his drive to recruit other firemen to take the paramedic training class. He was worried that when the state Senate bill to certify them passed, there wouldn't be enough paramedics ready for the job. It was then that I heard the name John Gage for the first time. Roy told me about him after he'd convinced him to sign up for the next class. "He sure was a hard sell." Roy complained. "Think he's going to make a good paramedic?" I asked. "He's young, but I think he's got it in him. I'll find out soon enough, they've asked me to help train his class." As it turned out, Johnny and Roy hit it off together during that class. Roy even requested Johnny as his partner for the new fire station in Carson, Station 51. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I have to admit, my first impression of Johnny wasn't too good. We met at a birthday party Dixie McCall held for Johnny, she'd invited Dr. Kelly Brackett to try to convince him to get behind the paramedics. Even though he helped train them, Dr. Brackett was not in favor of paramedics. Johnny, as I would come to find out later, just being Johnny, ran his mouth and made a sarcastic comment to Dr. Brackett causing him to leave the party. A few weeks later, Dixie was on a run with Roy and Johnny. Which by the way, was standard operating procedure back then, since they weren't certified to do more than first aid. Every time they were called on a run, they'd actually have to stop by the hospital first and pick up a nurse. Those were the days Roy dubbed himself the impotent wonder. All the training they had, all the expensive equipment at their disposal in the squad, and they couldn't do a damn thing, but sit back and hand equipment to the nurse. On this particular run with Dixie, she became incapacitated at the scene. 45 minutes away from the hospital, Roy watched as the same scene that'd killed Luke replayed in front of him. Dixie needed an IV and Atropine to survive the trip to the hospital. In the end, Dixie survived and Dr. Brackett was finally swung to the side of approving of paramedics, even testifying in front of the state Senate, to sway the vote in favor of certifying paramedics. It was a month or two later that Roy brought Johnny home for breakfast after a long shift. I was cautious at first after my first impression of him at Dixie's party, but Roy assured me he'd grow on me. And that he did. It was a few months after that, that Roy and I held a barbecue for all the guys and their families that Roy worked with, that I discovered how much Johnny and I really had in common. I never knew if Roy had said something to him about my unpleasant childhood, or if one child abuse survivor just has the ability to seek out another one. But as Johnny and I sat on the deck outside our first floor apartment watching Roy play with his two children, Johnny leaned over and said in a very longing voice, "Every kid deserves to have a dad like Roy." It surprised me at first, but then I realized the implications of his statement. I looked over at Roy's partner studying him. He was about the same height as Roy, but much more lanky. Black hair, chocolate brown eyes, and a healthy golden complexion that revealed his Native American heritage. "So, how old were you when it started?" I asked softly. I watched the surprise and then understanding cross over his face. "I don't remember when it didn't happen. You?" "I was about 6, before that he just whacked my mom around." I answered. "How bad?" "My father wasn't stupid. He knew to keep the bruises where clothes would cover them." "My dad didn't care. Most people thought I was awful clumsy. You know, falling down stairs, or walking into doors." "The last time he beat me, he didn't care to much either. I showed up on Roy's doorstep that night with two black eyes, a bloody nose, and a split lip." I told him. "I'm sorry." Johnny offered sincerely. "I'm sorry for you too. Both of us had our childhoods snatched away from us. If it weren't for Roy, I don't think I'd be here today." "You thought about ending it too?" He asked surprised. "Yeah, well when you're called a stupid, worthless, lazy, ingrate enough times, I guess you start to believe it." "You know, the words always seemed to hurt worse than the punches." Johnny remembered sadly. "Yeah, you're right, but we survived." "It was my grandfather that saw me through it." "You ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you." I told him. "Same goes for you. It's nice to know there's somebody out there that understands." Johnny smiled at me. "Yeah, I know what you mean." Roy noticed the change in my demeanor towards Johnny and after the party, he asked me about it. "Seems like you like Johnny a little more after today?" His teasing tone caused me to laugh and I dropped into his lap in the recliner. I wrapped my arms around his neck. "Yeah, Johnny and I found out we have a lot in common." "I take it you mean more than just me." He joked. "Well, if he doesn't want to talk about it, don't tell him I said so, but his upbringing wasn't much different than mine. Except his dad could care less if the bruises could be seen or not." "How'd you figure out he'd been through the same thing?" He asked. "I heard something in his voice when he made a comment about you and the kids today." "What'd he say about me?" "He said that all kids deserve to have a dad like you." I smiled at him. "And he's right, you really are a wonderful dad to Chris and Jen." "I always just want you and the kids to be happy." "We are." I kissed him enthusiastically. "The kids are in bed. Wanna have a little fun?" I purred in his ear. "Gotta fire to put out, or need a paramedic to check you over?" He asked cocking an eyebrow at me. I stood up out of his lap and held out my hand to him. "Both." "Don't have to ask me twice." Roy hopped out of the chair, and before I knew it had slung me over his shoulder in a traditional fireman's carry. "Roy." I giggled. "Just want to get this rescue off to the right start." He teased, hustling me into our bedroom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The years passed quickly. Roy and Johnny were inseparable. Six years after they became partners, we finally bought a house. We wanted to wait until Roy took a promotion, before putting ourselves in that much debt. But Roy passed up promotion time and again. He kept telling me he wanted to wait until he could take a promotion and still be a paramedic. Back then civil service rules said that men doing the same job had to carry the same rank. He agonized over it each time a promotion was offered. I always told him since he was the breadwinner, it was his career decision, and I would support him no matter what he decided. So he consistently decided to remain a paramedic working side by side with Johnny. After buying the house, Johnny seemed to be constantly over. He helped Roy with the household maintenance, and in return I cooked meals for him. I never knew where he put all the food he ate. He had a huge appetite but never seemed to gain an ounce. He became sort of the brother neither one of us had growing up. My kids adored him, calling him affectionately, Uncle Johnny. I have to admit once in a while, I'd get a little jealous of the time Johnny and Roy spent together. In a strange sort of way, it was almost like they were married to each other. They'd take care of each other on rescues, worry about each other when they were injured, annoy the hell out of each other, argue over things, but in the end, they were always there for each other. It took many years for me to understand they had a bond I'd never be part of. It was a bond formed out of the trust they had in each other, knowing no matter how dangerous a situation was, that one of them would be right there behind the other making sure to keep them safe. The Stoker spaghetti incident was one example of a time where the jealously flared up for me. I was feeling kind of vulnerable and when Roy made the innocent comment of liking A-Shift's Engineer Mike Stoker's spaghetti better than mine, I blew up and had quite an argument with him. I guess Johnny was just trying to help. He never liked to hear that Roy and I weren't getting along. Anyway, he called me the next night and gave me Mike's recipe. After I hung up with Johnny, I lit in on Roy, complaining about how he shared everything about our life with Johnny, while he shielded me and the kids from some of the things he saw on his job. With Roy at work, and the kids in school, the next day, I thought a lot about the argument Roy and I were having. I had finally come to the realization that it was my stubborn pride that was keeping it going. That, and my jealousy towards Roy and Johnny's relationship. As I puzzled over a way to end it, the phone rang. "Hello?" I answered it. "Hi Joanne, it's Johnny." I heard him whisper in the phone. "Is everything okay, Roy's not hurt is he?" "No, he's fine. Listen Joanne, I just wanted to apologize. Roy told me that after I gave you Mike's recipe, you had another argument." "That just proves my point, he does share everything with you." I said angrily. "Joanne, please, don't be mad at him. There's a reason he doesn't share everything with you. He just wants you and the kids to only know the good things in life. He doesn't want the horrors in life we see coming home with him. You wouldn't believe some of the craziness we see. Drunks killing innocent people, husbands and wives stabbing, shooting each other, sometimes hurting their kids. It goes on and on, the death, destruction, and mayhem. He doesn't want that filtering into his life at home, so he doesn't share that with you. And yes, we do talk about your relationship. But I bet you two talk about me too, and I don't mind that because you're like a sister to me and I'm often glad for the advice you give him that he passes along to me." I was quiet for a minute, absorbing what he was saying. "I'm sorry Johnny, I guess sometimes I just get a little jealous of what you and Roy have, you know what I mean." "Yeah, I do, and confidentially, I'm always jealous of what you and Roy have together." "You could have it too someday, you know." I said gently. "No, it'd have to be someone like you. And there's no one like you, Joanne." "You want me to honestly tell you what your real problem is?" I asked. "Yeah." "I think you're afraid of becoming your father. Whenever one of your relationships gets serious you either find a way to break it off, or more often than not, start acting in a way that turns her off and then she dumps you." "You might be right," he admitted. "Johnny, you are not your father, you never could be. I see the way you are with Chris and Jen, you could never be cruel to anyone, especially your own family." "I don't know Joanne, maybe I just need more time to convince myself of that," he answered. "Look, I gotta go. I don't want Roy to find out I called you." "I won't tell him." I agreed. "So you'll end this fight?" He asked anxiously. "For Roy, yes Johnny, I'll end it." "Thanks. Good bye." "Good bye Johnny, you and Roy stay safe." "I'll take care of him, you can count on me." "Good, thanks for calling me. Bye Johnny." Later that evening, when Roy called me from the hospital, I told him that'd I'd made Mike Stoker's spaghetti recipe, and I liked it better than my own. Roy sounded so relieved that we'd ended the Stoker spaghetti incident. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As the kids got older, they required less of my time to care for them. With nothing to distract me, I had more time to worry about Roy and his dangerous job. I became a midnight cleaner. After the kids were in bed, I'd dust, organize, and do laundry, anything to keep busy. Most nights I'd fall into bed exhausted. The other thing I did, which I'm not proud to admit, was continue to be a closet smoker. I had started when Roy was in Vietnam, telling him that I had quit when he'd returned. I didn't smoke all the time, never in front of the kids or Roy. I did it only when the tension got unbearable. I found most of the times I smoked were when Roy was injured in the hospital, and sometimes when Johnny was. Most people assume that a stay at home mom has an easy life. That is definitely not the case of a fireman's wife, especially a paramedic's wife. Paramedics throw themselves in harms way all the time. They are usually the ones called upon to sweep a burning building for any victims trapped inside. They go into unsafe mine tunnels, smashed up cars, dangerous fumes, floods, and mudslides. Think of any hazardous situation someone might find themselves trapped in, and my husband, and paramedics just like him, willingly go into that situation risking their own lives to save another. They have the highest mortality rate in the fire department, and do it for the lowest pay, that any hose jockey on the engine earns. Add to that all the extra knowledge and skill they have to study for and know, and all the extra runs they are called on in a 24-hour shift and you can see how dedicated they are to their jobs. A fireman's wife can be no less dedicated. We give up our husband's for days at a time, sometimes weeks during brushfire season. We are there to greet them with a smile and a hot meal when they come back home exhausted from a shift filled with helping other people in their time of need. We run their household, raise their children, and worry about them every second they are on duty. And we do it all without ever making them feel guilty for being devoted to their jobs. At least the good ones do. The divorce rate is high for firemen, a lot of women can't handle the stress of being without their husbands for long periods of time, and the additional stress of worrying about them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In 1979, Roy finally decided he had to take the promotion to engineer. Our kids were getting older, and the household demands were beginning to outpace the fireman's salary Roy received as a paramedic. It was a hard decision, only made easier by the fact the Johnny took the same promotion. Luckily, they were both sent to station 10 to man the two engines there. And by some cosmic coincidence, they were even placed on the same shift together. So life continued in the orderly cycle it had before, Roy and Johnny together on the job, and together on their days off doing chores around the house. The worry lessened somewhat for me. Being engineers, both remained outside with the engines, making sure the firemen inside had an adequate amount of water to fight fires. And they both got to drive the engines, which Johnny teased Roy about. They bantered back and forth as to why Roy had so seldom let Johnny drive the squad when they worked at station 51 the previous eight years together. In 1981 at the age of 35, Roy received his notice to apply for Captains' training. He was happy, but a little sad that Johnny hadn't. A few weeks later, Johnny received his notice, and so in tandem, again they made a career change, this time to Captain. It was a proud moment for both of them when they received their Captain's bars together, but a melancholy one too. They would be working at separate stations from now on. They'd spent 10 years together working both at Station 51 and Station 10. It was hard for them to part company that day, knowing they'd never work together again. Roy came home and tried to put on a brave face, but I saw through it. I hugged him tight that evening. "He's always going to be your friend you know." "I know, it just won't be the same. Something will always be missing. I know it sounds goofy, but I'll miss looking over and seeing him sleeping, that crazy way he sleeps with his arm thrown over his eyes in the bunk next to mine." "It's not goofy Roy, he's your best friend in the world. I'd be surprised if you didn't miss all the crazy things he's done at work over the years. Remember when he drove you crazy trying to learn an instrument to play?" Roy chuckled. "Yeah, or the time he drove us both nuts over that stupid Adam-12 episode." I joined in laughing. "I only wish Chris hadn't fallen out of bed in the middle of it." "Yeah, well, he forgot about it anyway when he wound up in the hospital later that night." "That's one thing about Johnny, he may get himself all worked up about something, but it rarely lasts long." "I said as much to him the night I caught him trying to write that silly game show." "The scary part is somebody else already thought of the same idea." I laughed. "Yeah, can you imagine somebody else out there that thinks like him?" "Like I said, that is a scary thing." I replied. As if on cue, the doorbell rang, and Johnny stepped into the house. Roy and I both laughed. "What? What is it?" Johnny asked looking at the two of us laughing hysterically. "Are your ears burning?" I asked, causing Roy to burst into a fresh gale of laughter. "Talking about me again?" Johnny asked with a lopsided grin was on his face. "We were just thinking back on some of the more memorable moments in the past 10 years. What are you doing here. I thought you were going to go tie one on to celebrate with the guys from Station 10?" Roy asked. "Yeah, well, I thought I'd stop by here and try to convince you one more time to join us." Roy looked at me. "Um, I don't think so Johnny." The look Roy gave me made me realize the true reason Roy didn't want to go. He knew how drunken men scared me and hadn't told me about it because of that. I smiled at Roy. "Go ahead Roy, go celebrate. We were planning our big family celebration this weekend when the kids are out of school anyway." "You sure?" Roy asked. I could see the hopefulness in his eyes. "Yeah, go on. Just one thing." "What?" "Johnny, would you mind if Roy crashed at your place tonight?" I asked. "No, no problem, and I'll even let him have the bed. I know how much he hates my living room furniture." Johnny elbowed Roy in the ribs, reminding him of another one of their memorable moments, when Roy tried to spend the night at Johnny's. "You really don't mind?" Roy asked looking straight in my eyes. "No, I don't mind. Everybody needs to cut loose once in a while. I'll see you tomorrow." I answered honestly. He kissed me gratefully. "I'll be home early tomorrow, I promise." "You might as well come too Johnny. The honey-do list is going to be pretty big tomorrow." I teased. "Yeah, okay, I have to drop him off anyway. Might as well earn my supper here tomorrow." He grinned. "Guess I'd better hit the grocery store than." I teased Johnny. "Get out of here you two." I gave them both a playful push towards the door. "I love you Jo." Roy said giving me another kiss, after retrieving his jacket from the coat closet. "I love you too, be careful." "We will. See you Joanne." Johnny gave me a brotherly peck on the cheek before he and Roy walked out of the house. |