To See the Light    continued


"So Johnny, how did your first day of occupational therapy go?"  Eddie asked of his patient.

"Fine."

"Back to one word answers.  I get the impression that you don't want to be here."

"Yup."

"This is going to be a fun session Johnny."  Eddie got up away from his desk.  He walked over to Johnny's wheelchair.  "Get up."

"What?"

"GET UP!"

Johnny stood up and was shocked at how Eddie talked to him.

"Put your arm around my arm.  I know you can walk; your ankle is fine.  We are going to take a stroll."  Eddie grabbed Johnny's good arm and placed it on his.  Eddie took his cane and extended it.  He swept it across the floor and proceeded to move.  Johnny fell in line with him.

The two men walked down the hall of the third floor of Rampart hospital.  This wing was set aside for doctors' offices so it didn't have the hurried movement of the first floor.

"Where are you taking me?"

"You'll see.  Oh that's right.  You can't see.  You'll hear."  They continued walking to the elevator and Eddie pushed the button.  The elevator's bell announced its arrival.  "I'll be glad one day when they put Braille on these elevator buttons."  Eddie said to no one in particular.

"What floor do you want?"  A woman behind them asked.

"That's okay ma'am.  I got it figured out."  Eddie pushed the button and the elevator doors closed and the lift went down.  When the doors opened, people on the other side of it cleared a path, allowing the two blind people to walk through. Eddie continued walking Johnny toward his destination.  The din of noise increased as the two proceeded.

"You're headed for the emergency department."

"Did you get your eyesight back Johnny?  Is that how you know?"

"No, Eddie.  I can hear it.  I can also smell it.  There is a definite distinct smell on this floor."

"Describe it to me."

"It's a mixture of antiseptic, alcohol and car exhaust fumes."  Johnny sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"I miss it."

"What do you miss?"  Eddie asked in a whisper.

"I miss the involvement.  I miss the people.  I miss my friends.  Dammit I miss my life.  I MISS IT ALL!"

Eddie turned around and proceeded to head back to the elevator.

"Where are you taking me now?"

"We are going back to my office to talk."

Five minutes later the two men settled back into Eddie's office.

"Johnny, tell me about the accident?"  Eddie avoided saying when Adam died.

Johnny didn't say anything so Eddie decided to continue using a different tact.  "John, I know you have a good grasp on medicine.  You have officially been diagnosed with Conversion Disorder."

"Hysterical blindness?"

Eddie reached around his desk trying to find a book.  He opened to a page that was dog-eared.  "Yes.  Quoting from some of the books I've read, 'The loss of physical function is involuntary, but diagnostic testing does not show a physical cause for the dysfunction.  The symptom onset of this disorder is usually very sudden and follows a stressful experience.'  You know Grainger and Brackett have found nothing wrong with your eyes that would cause your loss of sight."

Johnny had a deep knowing which direction this conversation was going.  "I'm not ready to talk about it yet."

"Let me continue to read to you."  Eddie closed the book and felt around for another book.  "I think this is it."  He flipped some pages and continued reading allowed, " The patient's anxiety may be the result of the inner conflict too difficult for the patient to face and symptoms are aggravated in times of psychological stress.  Patients exhibit remarkable lack of concern about their symptoms, no matter how serious."

Defensively Johnny shouted, "whaddya mean I'm not showin' any concern.  I want to know why I can't see!"

Eddie continued, "from their symptoms, patients gain both relief from their anxiety and a number of secondary gains such as support and attention from others and the chance to avoid unpleasant responsibilities."  Eddie closed the book with a decided thump.  "So, Johnny why don't you want to be a paramedic any longer.  You just said out there you missed your life but it's obvious you can't deal with your life."

"I never said that."  His voice hitched with his emotion and anger.

"You saw Adam die.  He's your second friend to die.  You don't want to see any other people you love die.  Even if it means you'll quit the fire department, you don't want to see Roy die."

What a slap across the face Eddie's comment was.  Johnny stood up but realized he couldn't leave.  His training on walking with a cane just started and he had much to learn.

"Sit down John and tell me what happened."  Eddie's voice was sympathetic and comforting.  He reached over and found where Johnny was standing and stood next to him.  He moved Johnny back to sit on the couch to be more comfortable.

"Tell me what happened."

"I can't."

"Try."

Slowly Johnny began his account. "We were talking about getting back to the station before C shift.  He was driving so slowly cause he didn't know our area too well.  I hurt my back at the fire and Adam offered to drive back.  I didn't see the harm in that."  Johnny's fist was clinched and he hit the desk as he said that.

"So, Adam was driving and you two were talking.  What happened next?"

"I heard this sound.  It was a thump, but a loud thump.  The windshield cracked.  Adam couldn't control the squad.  I think we hit a car and bounced off it and we ended up in the gully."

"Johnny, you report the facts well.  What did you see?"

"I saw the brick hit the windshield.  I think I said something.  I know Adam cursed as he tried to handle the squad, but couldn't.  It was too difficult to get the squad under control; it was just to ungainly.  Adam's chest hit the steering wheel and his head hit the shattered glass.  Blood was coming from his mouth and his face.   There was so much blood.  It took forever for the motion to stop.  I tried to get to Adam, but I was pinned.  God, my eye hurt.  I never experienced such pain.  I closed my eyes.  I was thinking I was in a dream and if I opened them there would be no pain."

Eddie listened to Johnny's tone and the words he used to express his emotions.

"So what did you see next?"

"I can't."

"Johnny.  You can.  It's not going to hurt you. "  Eddie's tone was comforting.

"I DID NOTHING.  I, I opened my eyes and Adam's chest was over the steering wheel.  His eyes were open but they looked empty.  His mouth was opening and closing like he wanted to say something, but the blood kept pouring out of his mouth."  Johnny shifted in his wheelchair before resuming.  "He reached to me with his right arm, but couldn't get me.  He took my blue jacket and squeezed it.  His eyes focused on me and then he called my name.  His breathing got more labored, but he still looked at me.  He called my name again, but it was more like a plea.  Dammit, he was scared.  He knew he was going to die.  Then, his breathing stopped and his eyes glazed over."  Johnny shook his head and started to cry.

Eddie didn't give Johnny a moment to grieve.  "Johnny, how many people have you seen die?"

"Eddie, I can't, can't go on."  Johnny was crying.

"Can't go on with our session or can't go on like I'm going to kill myself."

"You son of a bitch.  Where do you get off treating me this way?"

Eddie laughed.  "You want compassion?  You want pity?  I told you that I wouldn't give that to you.  I am here to get to why you can't see.  I'm not going to hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be okay.  You and I both know life doesn't work that way.  At least I know why you're so angry."

"And that is…."

"Not only do you blame yourself for Adam's death, because you weren't driving, you couldn't comfort him as he died.  That's what you are trained to do, aid the injured and there you were and couldn't do it.  How's that?"

"I guess that's it."

"Do you realize how ridiculous that is, John Gage?  You were injured and you were supposed to take care of him?  Come on.  Not even Superman could take care of Metropolis when exposed to kryptonite."

Johnny laughed at Eddie's last statement.  "I'm not Superman."

"That's right, Johnny.  You are not.  You are human just like all of us.  You didn't know the squad was going to be in an accident.  And even if you did and drove the squad, maybe the brick would have hit a different part of the squad and Adam still would have been killed.  It really doesn't matter because Adam is dead, so don't start doing the 'I shoulda' shit, cause that's not going to change the fact."

In a whisper Johnny said, "I guess so."

"You witnessed a horrible accident, an appalling death of a friend, and you were seriously injured.  Those are the facts.  Don't think about the 'what ifs'.  Don't say, what if Roy was driving.  He wasn't and he's going through his own blame game for taking the shift off.  Did you think of that?  In fact, have you thought about your crewmates and what they went through?  How about your Captain?  Did you know this was the first time he lost a firefighter during his command?  And what about Chet and Marco?  They had to extricate you from the squad and they too saw Adam's dead body.  Have you thought about that?  Your coworkers are grieving just as you are Johnny, but you are so focused on yourself and what you should have done, that you can't extend yourself to them."

"How do you know what they're going through?"

"Cause I sit on their group therapy.  And I think it's time for you to join your friends at the next session tonight."

*&*&*&*&*


Four of the five men from Station 51's A-shift were sitting in a room on the second floor of Rampart hospital.  Marco couldn't attend due to a previous commitment.  This was the group's fourth and final meeting to go over the events that they lived through.  Hank Stanley was talking when the door opened.

"Don't stop because of us."  Eddie announced as he and Johnny walked into the room.  Chairs shifted allowing the blind men to walk into the room.  "The couch is at nine o'clock John."  Taking Eddie's direction Johnny turned his body to the left.  He slowly swept his cane along the floor until it hit an empty chair.  Roy instinctively stood up to help his friend.

"Roy, I can handle it."  Johnny said somewhat sharply. He bent down and found the chair and pushed it around him.  He proceeded to walk with Eddie to the couch and the two men sat down.

"John Gage, I'd like you to meet Howard Sullivan.  He's the man running this grief counseling session."

"Hi Doc."  Johnny waved.

"Nice to meet you."  Howard replied.  "You certainly have been the center of conversation here, Johnny."  The attending men smiled and laughed.  "Let me give you some ground rules.  Only one person talks at a time and everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs.  No one is wrong here.  Got it?"

"Okay."

"Hank, as you were saying..." Howard said gesturing for the man to continue.

Stanley shifted in his chair.  He was uncomfortable with these grief-counseling sessions.  He understood the need for it, but didn't see the point of it.  "Well, as I was saying, I'm still having nightmares about it.  I wake up not remembering what the dream was about, but it's this foreboding feeling."

"We discussed last time that the dreams are your way of working through what you can't process during your waking moments.  Is this foreboding feeling impacting your job?'

Hank shook his head and smiled, "No, never."

"Good.  We don't need gun-shy captains.  You are the type to get back on the horse once you've fallen off."  Turning to Chet, Howard resumed his questions.  "Last time, Chet, you told us some of your thoughts.  Care to share them with Johnny?"

Chet was uneasy and embarrassed to discuss his turmoil with Johnny present.  "No that's all right doc, I'm getting by."

"Come on Kelly, last time you were fighting your emotions."

Chet didn't want to talk about his feelings and to certainly not admit them in front of Gage.  He came from a long line of Kelly's that held onto their feelings.  "Nah, Doc, I talked plenty last time.  Why don't ya let one of the other guys talk?"

Howard frowned at Chet's sudden shyness and determined it was Johnny's presence that stymied Chet.  "If I remember from last time Chet, you were telling us what you thought about the accident site.  At first the Cap assigned you to check the other vehicle, but you couldn't concentrate, as you were worried about Johnny."

"Did I say that?"  Chet asked, trying to lighten the mood.  The others around him chuckled.

Sullivan continued, "and you said something about keeping Johnny calm as they extricated him."

"Well, I couldn't just let him scratch his face, with all that glass in it."

"You held his hands."  Sullivan said. 

Johnny's head perked up and he smiled.  "Don't expect a ring from me, Chet."

Chet blushed.  "So what, I held his hand.  Big deal.  I've comforted lots of victims.  It's just that…." The words caught in his throat.

Sullivan finished for Chet, "It's just that this victim was, and is, a good friend of yours and this was what, the fourth time you've seen him injured?  And each of those other injuries was life threatening. And considering you all knew Adam was dead, the thought that Johnny wouldn't make it crossed your mind."

Johnny let what Howard said sink in.  He didn't realize that his friends would react that way.  He really hadn't thought about how this accident had disturbed them.  He was so self-focused, that he ignored his friends' needs. Johnny frowned.

"What's wrong John?  Do you want to share it with everyone?"

He shook his head no. 

Howard continued.  Does anyone want to ask Johnny anything?

Roy spoke up.  "Johnny?"  Johnny turned toward Roy's voice.  "Why was Adam driving the squad?"

Johnny cleared his throat and answered softly,  "I… um…there was an explosion that knocked us all down.  I hurt my back.  After overhaul, Adam, he saw me favoring my side and offered to drive.  I didn't see the harm in it, since we were heading back to the barn."

Howard spoke up, "Do you blame yourself for not driving the squad Johnny?"

Johnny was so tired of being asked this question.  "I really don't want to discuss it.  Isn't it enough I have to go through this with him?"  He motioned toward where Eddie was sitting.

"Fair comment John, but this session is for all of you and your coworkers could use your comments too, to help them deal with the accident."

Johnny tensed up.  Eddie sensed the anxiety.  Johnny stood up and leaned on his cane.  "YES, I DO BLAME MYSELF.  I SHOULDA BEEN DRIVING.  I SHOULDA BEEN KILLED AND BURIED."  All of A-shift looked at Johnny, but he couldn't see the shock, and concern etched on each of their faces.  Exhausted, he turned to face Eddie.  "I don't want to be here, Eddie."

"Can't run away Johnny.  These men need to know what you are going through."  His answer was filled with concern, yet firm.

"WHY?  Why do they have to know what I'm going through?  Huh?  Tell me!  Make me understand why it's any of their business to know what I saw." Johnny bellowed.

"Because they saw it too."

"They didn't.  They didn't see Adam's chest hit the steering column.  They didn't hear the thud his body made when it contacted the wheel.  They didn't see him reach out to me.  They weren't pinned in the wreckage, trying to move but couldn't.  They didn't hear him call out their name," Johnny yelled while gesturing with his free hand. Breathing heavily, he dropped down onto the couch, and whispered, "They didn't see him die."  Letting his cane fall to the floor, Johnny knocked his glasses off his face and dropped his head down into his hands. 

An odd silence suddenly overtook the room as each person let Johnny's revelation soak in. Even though they each held within them their own pain, none of them realized until now, just how deep Johnny's pain was. Through the awkward silence, each man glanced around at the others, but avoided making eye contact. No one could find any appropriate words to offer their grieving friend, so all remained quiet.

Reaching down, Roy picked up the discarded glasses, and held onto them.  Finally, once Johnny regained control over his emotions, he held out his hand, and Roy handed them to his friend. For a brief moment, the two men made eye contact.  Roy could have sworn that he saw a reaction in Johnny's face when their eyes met, but as quick as the reaction appeared, it disappeared with Johnny quickly grabbing the glasses, and putting them back on his face. Choosing to let it slide for the moment, Roy made a mental note to speak to Johnny later about it, privately, hoping his friend would confide in him.

"So is this why Gage can't see?"  Chet asked.  The four other crewmembers sucked in their breath with Kelly's crass comment.

Howard smiled.  "Chet's question is a valid one.  Yes, that's part of the reason Johnny can't see.  There is nothing physically wrong with his right eye and his left eye is healing.  His blindness is mostly a result of what he witnessed."

"I saw all that blood and--" Chet paused, "and I'm dealing with it."

"Chet, don't you think if I could see, I'd see!"  Johnny spat out, once again bolting from his seat.

"I'm just saying that you aren't the only one who saw Adam.  We all saw what the accident did to him.  And we saw what it did and is doing to you."  Chet answered sternly. 

Roy shivered. The temperature in the room seemed like it suddenly dropped by ten degrees. Reaching out, he grasped Johnny's arm. "Johnny, please sit down," he asked, soothing.

Johnny turned his head in the direction of Roy's voice. For the briefest of seconds, he looked at his partner, and without saying a word he retook his seat on the couch next to Eddie.

Howard decided it would be a good time to change the topic.  "John, what are your plans?"

Johnny was slow to answer. "Roy wants me to stay at his place with JoAnne and his kids.  I'm not ready to move back home yet, and with JoAnne home most of the day, I will be able to get around."

"When are you leaving Rampart?"

"I expect to leave in a couple days."  He answered but his voice held no emotion.  Feeling the need to escape anymore questions, Johnny turned his head toward the man who was pushing him to open up since the day they first met. "I'm tired, Eddie.  I want to go back to my room," Johnny said, his voice flat.

Eddie didn't want to push Johnny any more.  Plenty had been discussed, of which he knew Johnny would go over in his mind on his own time.  Standing up, Eddie passed Johnny his cane he dropped earlier and reached for Johnny's arm, helping him to his feet.  "It was nice to meet with you men again."  The two men walked out of the room while the A-shift said goodbyes.

When the door closed, Howard said, "So Chet, did you get an answer to why Johnny can't see the light?"

"No, Doc, I'm afraid I don't understand."

Howard was about to answer when Roy spoke up calmly. "Chet, Johnny wants to see again, but he's afraid of what he'll find.  I can almost understand why he doesn't want to see.  We've seen some pretty rough stuff over the years.  It's like his mind said 'enough already, give me a break', and Adam's death was that proverbial straw breaking the camel's back."

"So how does Johnny get to see again?  Does anyone know?"  Chet looked around but focused his attention on the doctor.

"That, Chet, is the question."

*&*&*&*&*


Over the next two days, JoAnne and Roy met with several therapists in order to get their house ready for Johnny's stay.  They learned to move furniture out of the way and made sure all sharp objects were taken away.  They also were guided in how to speak with their children about Johnny's condition.  The DeSoto's were fortunate that their house was a split-level.  Johnny would be staying in the den, which had a sofa bed.  The bathroom he'd use was up the three stairs and to the right.  Since Johnny knew the house, his adjustment would be relatively easy; just learning to use his cane to get around would be Johnny's job and of course, resting and getting his strength back.

It was Roy's job to bring Johnny home.  His children were in school but were excited knowing that their uncle would be living with them.  The night before Johnny's visit, JoAnne and Roy sat them down and explained how life was going to be with Johnny there.  They were told not to leave any toys around in common areas.  They were only to help Johnny if he asked for it. They could ask Johnny questions about his eyes, but if Johnny didn't want to answer, they were not to pester him.  They could play with Johnny only if Johnny agreed to play with them and again no pestering was allowed.  Chris and Jennifer agreed to what they were asked to do, but both Roy and JoAnne knew their children and figured they'd behave for a day or so.  JoAnne would basically be Johnny's company when Roy was working.  JoAnne didn't mind as she thought of Johnny as a close friend, almost family.  And she'd enjoy having someone adult to speak with, although some would question using the word adult and John Gage in the same sentence.

JoAnne heard Roy's sports car pull into their driveway.  She opened the door in anticipation of their arrival.  Roy guided Johnny into the house telling him where items were so Johnny could have a mental roadmap of the DeSoto's home.  He had no intentions of letting Johnny just sit around his home.  If Johnny was going to stay there, he had to earn his keep.  Granted, he was limited since his right arm was broken, but he could still help out in small ways.  Roy was not going to let Johnny's visual disability cause his best friend to withdraw further from the world of the living.  After Roy settled Johnny on the couch, JoAnne came over to him and kissed his forehead.

"Hi Jo."

"Hi yourself."

"Thank you for allowing me to stay here."

"John Gage, there is no need to thank me.  I could use the company.  Believe me, staying home all the time and speaking with children dulls the senses.  It will be nice to have mature conversations."

"With him?"  Roy asked with a big smile on his face.

"Hey!  That's not fair."  Johnny said with a pure grin forming on his face, one that had been absent for so long.

Roy walked over to his wife and hugged her and placed a kiss on her cheek.

"Hey don't get gushy in front of me, okay?"  Johnny said.  He leaned back into the sofa, took his sunglasses off and closed his eyes.

JoAnne motioned to Roy to follow her into the kitchen.

"Was it tough bringing him here?"

"Nah, he wanted to get out.  But tomorrow you'll need to take him back in for his therapy, and to see Dr. McNeil.  He's got to see him three times per week, per Brackett."

"Three times Roy?  Isn't that a bit harsh?"

Roy shook his head.  "Dr McNeil insisted. Johnny needs to continue his sessions, along with his occupational therapy."

JoAnne sat down at their small kitchen table.  Roy went to the refrigerator and pulled out a can of soda.  He took two glasses from the cabinet and poured the contents into the glasses and brought them to the table.

"Roy, do you think he'll get his sight back?"  JoAnne asked as she squeezed her husband's hand.

"I don't know Jo.  What Johnny described at the scene was pretty bad.  I don't know how I'd react.  I don't know what I'd think if..." He trailed off, not wanting to complete the thought, although he and JoAnne knew what he was going to say.

"Don't worry about it Roy.  We all know Johnny, and he'll find his way home."  The use of this metaphor was of little comfort to Roy.  He looked at JoAnne and smiled, but didn't say anything.   Not only was he going to lose Johnny as his permanent partner, the thought of having Craig Brice once and for all assigned to work with him disturbed him even more.  It was one thing to work with Brice during Johnny's recovery from the hit and run accident. Roy knew Johnny would be back with him.  But to have the human rulebook with him day in and day out had Roy thinking of transferring to another station or maybe even taking the engineer's exam again.  Sure, he'd miss working with his other shiftmates, but he couldn't stomach working with Brice, permanently.  Didn't the brass know that?  Couldn't they tell that partners need to be compatible?  Isn't that why Brice was used to fill in because no one really wanted him to partner with?  All these thoughts were in his head, but he didn't want to tell JoAnne, not yet, at least.  Let things settle at home with Johnny.  Perhaps Brice had changed.  Yeah, and it snows in southern California.

*&*&*&*&*


"Hey, Kip!"

Kip stopped where he was walking on the road and looked toward the source of the voice behind him.  It was Kevin.

"Wait up!"

Kip shifted his books and lunch to the opposite arm and started walking again as Kevin ran to catch up with him.

"Hey!  I said, 'wait up!'"

Kip said nothing and kept walking.

"What'samatter?" Kevin asked.  He smelled like cigarettes.

"Nothing."

"So...what'd you do this weekend?"

"Not much."  Kip somehow felt it would be better not to go into the funeral or his visit to Station 51.

"I'll bet you did."

"What?"

"I saw you on the news, at that fireman's funeral."  Kevin's voice carried a hint of laughter, as though he were daring Kip to come up with an excuse.

"Oh.  Yeah."  Kip shrugged.

"So, what'd you go to that for?"

"I dunno, I just wanted to!"  Kip spoke defiantly, without looking toward Kevin who was now alongside him.  After the long weekend he had endured, Kip was beginning to feel more irritated than amazed that Kevin was apparently not suffering any guilt.

"Okay," Kevin chuckled, backing off.

The two passed the intersection of the road that led to the overpass where last week's incident had taken place.  Neither one spoke as they crossed the street.

After the intersection was behind them, Kip said, "How close do you think they are to finding out it was us?  They're gonna find out, you know."

"What?  They are NOT gonna find out!  If they ask, I'll just say it wasn't me!  They don't have any way to prove it!"  Kevin's voice was agitated, but not loud.  "The only person who saw me throw it was you, so if they DO find out, I'll know who told," Kevin warned.

Now Kip glanced toward Kevin, and he saw that wild expression in his eyes that he noticed the past few days.  "Why do you think I might tell?"

"I don't think you will.  Because I know you don't like getting in trouble.  And that's what'll happen.  Remember, you were there, so you're in as much trouble as if you really threw it."

Kip didn't answer.  He just kept walking and focusing on the ground.

Kevin continued, whispering, "And that fireman died.  So you know that makes us both murderers."

*&*&*&*&*


Kevin related horrifying prison anecdotes to Kip all the rest of the way to school.  Some he heard from other kids, and others he learned from a movie his parents didn't know he went to see.  But he apparently knew enough about what happened to young incarcerated men to scare Kip all over again.  And, Kevin said, the two of them would be abused more than most, because they killed a kindly public servant, a paramedic.

Several students were gathered near the flagpole as Kip and Kevin entered the school yard.  Kip spotted Chris DeSoto sitting on a bench.  Kevin saw that Marcy was there, too. 

"Hey, DeSoto!  That your new girlfriend?" Kevin yelled.

"Huh?"

"Marcy your new girlfriend?"

"No...why?"

Kevin's vulgar reply provoked Chris into standing up and clenching his fists.

"Get outta here, Connors!"

Kevin smiled as though that were just what he wanted to hear.  "An' who's tellin' me that, DeSoto?  You think you're such hot shit just because your daddy's a fireman.  An' everybody's talkin' about firemen now.  Firemen are on the news all the time, so you think that makes you something special."

Kip saw Kevin getting angrier as he went on, walking toward Chris. 

"Well, you know what?  Firemen aren't so tough.  They're just a bunch of wimps who get to ride on big, shiny red trucks.  And they drive their big red trucks like a bunch of old ladies, too, or they wouldn't smash their worthless butts all over the road!"

Chris and all the others were staring silently at Kevin.  Kip saw that Kevin had that deranged look in his eyes again.  He reached Chris, and punched him in the shoulder.  Chris took a step backward.

"You know what?  We're all sick of hearing lately how great firemen are!  Because they're not!  Just because one of 'em got his ass killed, that doesn't mean they're all great!  So what are you gonna do about it, DeSoto?"

Chris and the others stared, stunned, at Kevin.  Kip felt his own rage reach the boiling point at Kevin's disrespectful words.

"KEVIN!!!"

Kevin turned in surprise toward the voice that had come from Kip.

"He got his ass killed because YOU threw a concrete block at him!!!" 

Then Kip lunged at Kevin.

*&*&*&*&*


"Squad 51...what is your status?"

"Squad 51...available and returning to station."

"Squad 51...respond with Engine 51 to a fight with injuries at Carson Middle School...corner of Boren and Stearns...time out, seven fifty-four.  Police are also responding."

"Squad 51...ten-four."

"Shit...that's Chris' school!"

*&*&*&*&*


"Kip...hey, Kip?  You're gonna be okay!"

"...huh?"  Kip's eyes opened and he wondered what Chris was doing up there.

"He is, isn't he, Dad?"

"Yeah, he's gonna be fine.  You need to get back a little way now."

As Chris moved back, Kip realized he was looking up at him from the ground.  He wasn't sure why he was there, and was immediately embarrassed that everyone was staring down at him anxiously.  In addition to Chris, he could see Marcy and many other students, as well as his gym teacher and Mr. Barnett, their principal, in the crowd of faces above him.  He began trying to sit up.

"Hold it, Kip.  You need to lie still for a little longer, okay?"  The sandy-haired fireman that Chris had called "Dad" placed a hand on his chest and was holding him down.  He had begun to feel dizzy as he started to sit up anyway, so he offered no objections to lying back down.  He was now aware that there was another fireman on his other side holding his arm and talking into an orange telephone-like thing.

"Rampart, BP is 105 over 80, respirations are thirty and shallow, and pulse is 90."

Kip wondered if that were good or bad.  There was a loud ripping sound as that fireman removed something black from around his arm.  Now he realized Mr. Barnett was trying to get his attention.

"Kip, how are you feeling?"

"Ten-four, Rampart.  I-V with Ringer's and transport."

Kip did a quick self-evaluation.  "Um...okay, I guess.  The back of my head is really starting to hurt."

"You took a pretty bad bump on the head.  You hit that concrete block at the base of the flagpole," Chris' dad told him.  "We've put a bandage on it."

Kip could hear the American and California flags flapping loudly in the wind above him at the top of the flagpole.  His neck held rigid by a cervical collar, he shifted his eyes toward the pole.  He could now see that there was concrete extending up from the ground about two feet, adding support to the flagpole.  And he had hit his head on it.  He thought how ironic that was.

"We've called your mother.  She's going to meet us at the hospital," Mr. Barnett said.

"The hospital?"  Kip tensed up.

"Kip, we're gonna have to start an I-V, so that means a little stick with a needle, okay?" the fireman with the phone said.  Chris' dad was already probing his arm for a vein.

"Okay."  Kip wasn't keen on that idea, but figured it would do no good to object.  He squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head as the needle was inserted.

"Roy, the other one just has a black eye.  Vince is going to be taking him in to the police station."

Kip recognized this new voice.  "Mr. Lopez?"

"Kip?  Is that you?  Hey...what happened, buddy?"

"Oh...Mr. Lopez, I really need to talk to you bad!"  He tried again to sit up.

Roy wondered why Marco's appearance had suddenly agitated Kip.  He held Kip down again as he caught Marco's eye.  Marco nodded and moved out of Kip's line of vision.

"Now relax, Kip," Roy told him.

"But I really need to talk to him, or to Mr. Stoker!"

"Okay.  I tell you what...I'll see if that'll be possible."  Roy rose and walked to the engine as the siren of the ambulance became audible in the distance.

"Is this the kid you were talking to at the station yesterday?" he asked Marco.

"Yeah.  And he was in a fight?  That doesn't seem like him."

"Well, he sure wants to talk to you.  Since we're going off shift anyway, you wanna ride in the ambulance with us?"

They both looked toward Captain Stanley, who nodded.

*&*&*&*&*


In the back of the ambulance, Roy sat on one side of Kip and Marco on the other.  Roy was taking Kip's blood pressure again as the vehicle raced through the streets, siren wailing.

Kip took a deep breath and swallowed hard.  In all the times he'd imagined making his confession, he'd never imagined it in the back of an ambulance.  But he had to do it now, before something else happened to prevent it.

"Mr. Lopez?"

"Please...Marco.  Mr. Lopez, he's my father!"

Kip smiled at him, and then took another deep breath. 

"Uh...listen...  That concrete block thing ...I'm one of the kids who did it."

He closed his eyes and let out a breath.  There.  It was out.  These guys might hate his guts now, but at least his confession was no longer hanging over him.

"What?!?" Marco said.  Roy looked at Marco then Kip in disgust.  "Did you say you threw the block?"  Marco's face reddened.

"I didn't throw it, but I gave it to Kevin when he asked me for it.  I didn't know he was going to throw it.  Honest.  If I knew he was gonna do that, I'dda never given it to him."  Kip was becoming agitated.

"Look, you need to lie still," Roy dispassionately told him.  "There'll be police at the hospital you can talk to.  They'll need to hear what you know."  Roy was furious but he had to keep his emotions to himself.

"Vince said the kids told him what you said before you hit Kevin.  And then Kevin confessed.  Vince said he was crying and very relieved that it was all over."

"What?"  Kip couldn't believe what he heard, that Kevin confessed.  He relaxed and stared up at the ceiling.  He had a concussion and was being rushed to the hospital in the back of an ambulance.  But he felt better than he could remember ever feeling in his entire life.

Roy and Marco looked at one another, truly not believing what they just heard.

*&*&*&*&*


Johnny settled into a routine, living with the DeSoto's.  JoAnne was more than accommodating.  She took Johnny to his appointments at Rampart.  Chris and Jenny entertained Johnny when they came home from school.  On occasion, someone would leave a toy in a common area, but Johnny became adept in using his walking stick and made sure to check for fallen treasures on the floor as he made his way around the DeSoto home. 

When Roy was home, Johnny would stay with him.  The two didn't talk shop, per se.  Roy didn't want to complain to Johnny about working with Brice.  But when they did talk about the job, it was to talk about procedures.  Roy wanted to keep Johnny's mind sharp and Johnny didn't seem to mind the pop quizzes. 

But no matter how much time he spent with everyone, talking, and doing little things around the house that his injured arm would allow him to do, Johnny was bored.  Sure, he was learning Braille, but it was going slow which irritated him to no end.
One morning several weeks after Johnny was released from the hospital, JoAnne returned from dropping the kids off at school only to find Johnny was still dressed in his t-shirt and sweats, roughing it around the house, and not showing the slightest interest in going to his Occupational Therapy appointment. When she asked him about getting ready so they could leave, he looked in the direction of her voice, and replied with a firm 'No' before walking back into his room.

Uncertain as to what to do, and not wanting to bother Roy at work, JoAnne called Dixie. The veteran nurse told JoAnne to relax, and she would speak to Johnny's instructor, letting her know Johnny wouldn't be there that day.

Dixie understood, even if JoAnne didn't. Being a nurse, working around patients for several years, she found many people undergoing therapy would often have setbacks when it came to healing their minds.

So, JoAnne relaxed, leaving Johnny alone to brood while she went about her housework.

An hour later, the doorbell rang. Knowing who would be there, JoAnne called out to Johnny to answer the door. She stood off the living room, watching, as her friend found his way, using his cane, to the door. 'Who's there' she heard him call out. And then she was certain she heard him curse under his breath, from discovering the visitor was for him.

Taking a deep breath, Johnny opened the door.

"Hello Johnny."

"Hi," Johnny replied with a less-than-thrilled tone edging his voice.

"Are you gonna invite me in, or are we gonna do this session on the doorstep?"

"Session, I am not interested in doing a session today."

"Well, I guess a few people in your life have other ideas," Judy Wilson replied, pushing past Johnny and walking into the house. She smiled at JoAnne as she entered the living room, mouthing to her to remain quiet, at least for the moment.

"Where do you get off barging in here?"

"Excuse me? Johnny, I didn't exactly barge in, I was kinda invited."

"By whom?"

"Me."

"Excuse me?"

"We had an appointment this morning, and you're late. You know the rules, don't you?"

"I didn't feel like going today. I had other things I had to do."

"Like what?"

"That's none of your business."

"Maybe, maybe not, but what is my business is you attending your scheduled appointments."

"Well maybe I don't want to attend the appointments anymore."

"Oh really! Then I guess you're doing fantastic looking after your needs, and learning your Braille on your own."

"I'm doing okay."

"Really. I can't believe that if you're still living here. After all, that is what our appointments are for, to help you readjust, to regain your life, to return to your home."

"I think you should leave."

"But we haven't even started your session today."

"I already told you, I'm not interested."

"Fine! If that is what you want, then I'll go, Johnny," Judy replied, "But remember one thing, life can get pretty damn lonely if you push everyone away. And you, Johnny, have something many people in this world don't have, several friends, good friends, who won't let you give up on yourself."

With that, she nodded to JoAnne to make her presence known.

"Oh Judy," JoAnne said sounding a bit out of breath to make it look like she hadn't been in the room. "I was wondering who was at the door."

"Hello, JoAnne. It's nice to see you again. I was just on my way out."

"Oh?"

"I thought I would stop by and visit my friend, here, on my way to an outside appointment. And if I don't get going, I'm gonna be late."

"Okay. I'll show you to the door, then."

"Johnny, I'll see you on Wednesday, okay?"

Receiving no answer, Judy walked to the door. JoAnne mouthed a 'Thank you', and then voiced, "Thanks for stopping by, Judy."

"No Problem, JoAnne. Have a good day." And with that, Johnny's visitor left.

When JoAnne returned to the living room, Johnny was gone. Suddenly, she heard a loud noise coming from Johnny's room. Panicked that Johnny may have fallen, she hurried to his room. When she peeked inside, she noticed several of Johnny's books lay scattered over the floor. Before she could say a word, Johnny spoke. "I'm fine, JoAnne. Just leave me alone."

Although worried for her friend, JoAnne did as she was asked. She walked away, and hoped that maybe some of Judy words would sink into John Gage's thick skull.

Realizing he wasn't gonna win, with the way his friends intervened in the most unscrupulous ways, like involving Dixie, Johnny resigned himself to the fact he was gonna have to proceed and get on with his life, whatever that life would end up being.

As the days progressed, Johnny began to attend his appointments again, and his first appointment with Eddie after his refusal to attend his appointment with his Occupational Therapist turned out to be somewhat rough. He got no sympathy from Eddie, not that he thought he would. He got the same treatment he received all along, quick cure, cut throat therapy.

At one point Johnny even laughed. Thinking how ridiculous things had become, and how much time people were taking out of their own life's to make sure he was okay, or if he needed anything.

As part of getting on with his life, Johnny began to help Chris and Jenny with their homework.  He found he enjoyed working with the children and more than once Roy admonished Johnny for giving Chris the answers.  But he also knew Johnny was not challenged, so he didn't come down to hard on his eldest child.

Sure, people would joke that Roy and John acted like brothers or sometimes father and son.  But Roy knew that through all of Johnny's quirky behavior, was a responsible, caring adult.  Johnny only let that side of himself show when he was comfortable with the person.  Most of the time, Johnny wore a mask.  It was probably how Johnny survived the day in day out rigors of their job.  Roy realized that the mask Johnny wore broke as a result of the accident.

Johnny was prone to nightmares.  Usually he'd settle down after having one, but this one night, his moans woke Jennifer up.

She got out of her bed and grabbed her pooh bear, then toddled to her parents' bedroom.  Seeing the door was slightly open, she walked in.

"Daaadee.  DAAAADEE.  Uncle Johnny is having one of his nightmares."

Roy heard his daughter and rubbed his eyes.

"What's that Jenny?" Roy asked groggily.  JoAnne shifted in bed, hearing the voices.

"Daddee!  Uncle Johnny is having a nightmare and he woke me up!"  Jenny was leaning and bouncing on the bed on her father's side.

Roy sat up in bed and motioned for his daughter to climb up.  "Why don't you lay down here and keep my spot warm."  A big smile came across his daughter's face as she jumped onto the bed and snuggled under the warm blankets.

"Don't jump, Jennifer!"  JoAnne warned her daughter.

"Sorry mommy."

Roy got up and tucked his daughter in.  Looking at the clock, he saw it was 2:20am.  He hoped it wasn't going to be a long night.

As Roy approached the den, he could hear Johnny tossing and talking in his sleep.  This was nothing new to Roy as he slept next to his partner two to four nights a week, and there were times a bad run or a bad shift would cause one or both to sleep. 

He slowly walked over to the bed while he tied his bathrobe closed.  That action made him laugh for several reasons.  Johnny had seen Roy in far less clothes then he was wearing, and now Johnny was blind.  But still, in his home, Roy wore his bathrobe.

He decided to wake his partner up.  Roy approached a chair and pulled it close to the bed.  Speaking softly, he said, "Come on, Junior. Wake up.  You're having a bad dream."

Johnny continued to talk and showed no signs of waking.

Roy tried again using a stricter tone.  "Johnny, wake up.  You're having a bad dream. Johnny…" he said giving his partner a little shake.

Johnny woke with a start and bolted up in bed. "Adam," he called out.

"No, Johnny. It's Roy.  You were having a bad dream."

"Oh," he replied, his voice barely above a whisper, having remembered his dream. Somewhat shaky from being awakened so abruptly, Johnny rubbed his good hand over his face, and through his hair.  "Sorry if I disturbed you, Roy." He voiced.

"It's not me, Junior.  This time it was Jennifer.  You know, she's your guardian angel."

Roy reached over and turned on the lamp. Again, he found a bit of amusement with this action.

Johnny smiled at the thought of Jennifer and a golden halo above her head.  He grimaced, realizing he'd never see her again.  He'd never get to see her grow into a teenager, or into a beautiful mature woman.

"You wanna talk about it?"  Roy asked, seeing his friend's discomfort.

Johnny scratched his face using his cast.  "This comes in handy every once in awhile."  He shifted on the bed, sitting up straighter.  "Ya know Roy, we all take so much for granted."

"Whadya mean, Johnny?"

"I was thinkin' I'm never gonna get to see Jenny grow up."

"You don't know that, Johnny."

"Yes I do, Roy," Johnny replied, again shifting on the bed.

"Johnny. Why have you given up on yourself? No one else has. We all believe you'll be able to see again, and probably when you least expect it to happen, too."

Johnny sighed heavily and shook his head. "No Roy. I'm surprised at you, considering the medical training you have. I know and you should---"

"No, Johnny. You listen. It will---"

"Please Roy. The longer I go with out my sight, the less likely it will happen."

Roy sighed. He didn't want to argue with his friend, especially in the middle of the night.  "Do you feel you're making progress with Eddie?" Roy asked, changing the subject.

"Don't wanna talk about that, partner."

'Well I see I just had the door slammed closed on that front.  Good one, DeSoto.' 

"What was the dream about?  You mentioned Adam's name when I woke you."

"It's the same goddamn dream, Roy.  The same one I had last night, the night before, and every night since Adam died." Johnny snapped. Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Johnny whispered, "Adam's calling out to me and he's trying to grab me.  I want to reach out to him but I'm afraid." 

Johnny shook his head. He was ashamed at what he revealed.  After all this time, there were few secrets the two kept from each other.  Their trust was infinite; it had to be, considering the job they performed. 

Roy put his hand on Johnny's hand to calm his friend.  He didn't have any words to relieve his friend's anguish.  "Want some water?"

Johnny laughed.  "NO DAD." 

Roy only half chuckled, knowing full well the problem wasn't the least bit funny, just ironic.

"Why don't you go back upstairs and take your beautiful wife in your arms and…"

Roy blushed but Johnny wasn't able to see it. "Actually, my daughter is now in my bed keeping my spot warm, Junior."

"Oops sorry again." Johnny smirked, his face flushing.

"No big deal, pal.  I'll just go back upstairs, crawl into her bed and probably fall asleep.  Glad to have today off. You okay now?"

Johnny stumbled over the words as his emotions, his mixed feelings over the last several weeks caught up with him.  In a whisper he said, "Yeah, I'm okay."

Roy caught the awkwardness.  He didn't want to make the situation any more difficult for his friend, so he got up.  "Good night."

"Night."

Roy turned the light off and looked one last time at his friend, wondering if his friend's life would ever get a sense of normalcy again.

*&*&*&*&*


A breeze from the east wafted through Johnny's hair. It seemed to carry a faint aroma of burning mesquite...someone on that end of the block must be having a cookout. From the north came sounds of freeway traffic about a mile distant. He could hear motorcycle engines, diesel air horns, squealing tires...a virtual conglomeration of noises. And Johnny was aware that all those sounds were several seconds old by the time they reached his ears. He sighed once again at the thought that he had a very good chance of never again taking part in that scene other than as a passenger.

He wondered briefly how long he should continue to make insurance payments on his Land Rover before just giving up and selling it. He quickly moved his mind away from that train of thought.

From the west came the sound of...what was that...? It was a soft, gentle, rhythmic sound...sort of a "chuck-chuck-chuck." Johnny didn't recognize it. He considered it a moment, then was distracted by a dog barking further to the west. It was a big dog. Then a smaller dog yapped a reply. A reply, or else its own reaction to the same thing. He wondered if anyone ever became able to recognize different breeds of dogs just by hearing their different barks.

The breeze changed, and now he could detect the fragrance of wet grass. He suddenly knew what the soft chucking sound had been. A lawn sprinkler a couple of doors down. He shifted in his lawn chair and re-crossed his legs.

He reached for the glass of iced tea beside him as he heard the engine of Roy's car out front as it slowed down and turned into the driveway. As Johnny heard car doors slamming and voices chattering out front, he leaned against the railing of the deck, trying to assume a casual appearance.

He wondered what he was wearing...he couldn't remember. He rubbed the fabric of his shirt between his fingers, and then recalled that it was the navy blue cotton one with tiny vertical green and yellow stripes. He'd put it on this morning with jeans. It bugged the heck out of him to think how helpless he now was about clothing, as well as so many other things. If people wanted to, they could draw smiley faces all over his clothes with a Marks-a-Lot, and he wouldn't have any damn way of knowing about it unless someone told him. He wondered if Chet had thought of that yet.

The voices had moved inside now, and would be emerging into the back yard any minute. Johnny took another drink of his iced tea, then set the glass down on the wooden rail and waited.

He heard the glass patio door sliding and Roy's voice. "Johnny, you want to trade that tea in for a beer?"

"Sure, okay." Roy came outside, sliding the door shut behind him. "I got a six-pack of Guinness Stout. I thought we'd live it up today."

"Why the celebration?"

"I dunno. Why not? I'm putting yours here on the railing, and moving your tea over to the picnic table, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks. Want me to get that cap?"

"No, I got it," Johnny said, taking the opener from Roy's hand and opened the bottle. The cold beer felt so good going down his throat. And the taste was even better. Something about being blind elevated all of Johnny's other senses and taste was the one he enjoyed the most. "What time are the guys comin' over?"

"They should be rambling in any time now." Just as Roy said that, Chet walked into the backyard carrying a bag.

"Here Roy, this is for the barbecue." He handed the bag to Roy who got up to bring the package inside. "So Gage, what's shakin?" Chet asked.

"Your aftershave is scaring all of the birds out of the trees Chet." A wicked smile appeared on Johnny's face.

"There is nothing wrong with my aftershave." Chet stated. Roy came back out from the house carrying an open bottle of beer for Chet. "Thanks Roy." Chet got up and started moving the outdoor furniture around.

"CHET!" Johnny shouted.

"WHAT?"

"What are you trying to do? Set up an obstacle course for me? Can't the phantom give the pigeon a break?"

Chet looked at Roy and smiled, "I don't know what you're talking about." Chet took his beer and sat down. Roy went over to the furniture and moved it back to where it was.

"Thanks Roy."

The silence was a welcome relief to Johnny. This was one of the first get-togethers the A-shift had since their therapy session at Rampart. Johnny heard Marco and Mike walking toward him. There was another voice that Johnny couldn't place.
"Who's your friend Mike?" Chet asked.

Roy came out from behind the deck. "What is he doing here?"

Marco ignored Roy and gently moved the boy toward Johnny.

"John, I want you to meet Kip." Johnny deadened upon hearing Kip's name. He was fully aware of how the accident happened and the names of the kids involved. Marco and Mike motioned for Kip to move forward.

"I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Gage." Everyone watched Kip and Johnny.

All Johnny could say was, "Kip."  Johnny's face gave away his emotions.  But he tried to fight the anger that was rising within.

"Listen...uh...I'm really...sorry about the wreck." Kip said. Johnny sighed. He really didn't want to talk about this again, but he was beginning to decide it was like being a celebrity. If you meet a fan, you have to talk about the stuff you're famous for, rather than what you yourself might think is interesting. And John Gage was famous for being in the squad when it was smashed

Roy was furious and his expression gave it away. He wanted to say something about the cinder block and was about to when Mike pulled him aside. "Roy, he really isn't a bad kid. Bad decisions recently, yes, but....."

"Mike, I don't want him here and Johnny..."

"Johnny what, Roy. Are you making choices for him too?" Roy glared at Mike. For a man of few words, the ones that Mike chose were pointed.

Johnny was torn about how to react to this kid being here. Part of him wanted to scream at him and the other part? Well that side of him knew Kip was just a kid. No that didn't excuse him for what he did. But he was still a kid. "How's your head?" Johnny's question broke the silence. Everyone was staring at the two, wondering what Johnny was going to do. Even JoAnne came out of the house to watch.

"It's okay. I went back to the doctor yesterday after school, and he took the bandage off. He said the stitches would heal better uncovered." Kip was relieved a bit by Johnny's question

"The stitches are in the back, right?"

"Oh...yeah, they are." He pointed but forgot Johnny couldn't see it. "I tried wearing a baseball cap to keep it covered, but it rubs it and it hurts a little."

"Is the hair shaved back there?"

"Yeah, just a little patch around the stitches. It's starting to grow back, and it's itching all the time now."

"Well, it shouldn't be doing that much longer. So you're back in school? How much did you have to miss?"

"Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I went home from the hospital Wednesday at noon. Um...how are you doing?" Kip wasn't sure how much to ask. Mr. Gage might be feeling self-conscious, and he didn't want to offend him. But he didn't want to appear uninterested, either, especially after Mr. Gage had inquired about him.

"I'm doing fine. I'm tired of the cast on my arm, but I guess I'm lucky that's the only place I have to wear one." Johnny didn't mention his eyes. Kip decided that was a sign that he shouldn't either. But he did have other things he needed to say.

Johnny thought Kip might be fighting tears, but he wasn't sure. He'd never have guessed before how much he relied on people's faces and expressions. "Kip, I guess you're expecting me to forgive you for what you did. But I can't. I know I'm an adult and you're a kid and adults are supposed to be all knowing, but I'm not." Johnny's voice cracked. "I'm not gonna yell at you or anything like that. But if you're looking to me for mercy, I won't give you that. I have to live with what your actions caused and so do you."

All that could be heard were the sounds of birds and the occasional car driving by. Johnny heard Kip's breathing change. By now Johnny was pretty sure that Kip was fighting tears; something that Johnny did not want to be a part of. He grabbed his cane, stood up and headed back toward the house. Kip turned around. His eyes were watery. Mike walked over to him and hugged him and Kip started crying. Marco crouched down to be by his side. "I know that was tough, Kip, but that's the first step towards forgiveness."

"But Mr. Gage said he wouldn't forgive me." Kip said between sobs."

"You've got to forgive yourself first. One day, Johnny may condone your actions, but his wounds are still too fresh." Kip's crying intensified and Marco embraced him, trying to imagine the pain this boy was going through.

*&*&*&*&*


It was a typical morning where Roy was going to work and the kids were going to school.  Johnny was up early and at the kitchen table ready for breakfast.

"Your cereal is at 6 o'clock, milk is at 3 o'clock and coffee is at 12."  Roy stated.

"Daddy?"

"Yes Jenny?"

"Why do you tell Johnny how to read a clock when he can't see it."

JoAnne and Roy exchanged glances, but Jo knew to let Roy answer his daughter's question.  "Johnny can still picture what a clock looks like.  So by telling him what number on the clock corresponds to his food, he'll know how to find it."

"Oh," was Jenny's reply.  No one knew if she understood it or not, but the five people settled down and ate.

About a half hour later, JoAnne was packing the kids off to catch their school bus.  "Remember Chris, don't let your sister forget her lunch like yesterday."

"Why do I have to remind her?"  Chris stomped his foot.

"Chris!  You are the oldest child and that's what we do for our family.  We take care of them!"  JoAnne scolded her son.

"Gee, I'd hate to get her angry with me, Roy."  Johnny said as he sipped his coffee.

"Now you understand the abuse I got when you gave her Stoker's spaghetti recipe."  Roy laughed.  "I gotta go Junior.  I'll talk to ya tomorrow."  Roy pushed his chair back in order to leave the table.

"Roy?"

Roy stopped.  "Yeah?"

"Have I said thank you lately?"

If Johnny could see the embarrassment on Roy's face.  He didn't know how to answer Johnny's statement, so he didn't.  "Gotta go."  Roy picked up his duffle bag, kissed JoAnne on the cheek and left.

"What did you say to him Johnny?  I never saw him rush out so fast."

"Oh it was nothing."  Johnny thought about all the thanks he had to say to different people in his life; the people he pushed away because of his disability.  "I'm gonna shower, Jo and then get ready to go to Rampart."

"What time's your appointment?"

"It's at 10:00am, but I'm not as fast as I used to be.  Shaving still takes me some time."

"Well, Johnny, I offered to help you…." JoAnne said jokingly.

Johnny smiled at her, which melted her heart.  She was so glad to see a bit of the Gage charm returning. "It's not that I don't trust you, Jo, it's just," Johnny's face flushed as he tried to form the words." Shaving...it's kinda a personal thing, among other things." He said turning his head away.

"Oh Johnny, you can be so silly at times," JoAnne chuckled, tousling his unruly hair. Turning his head back toward his best friend's wife, Johnny began to chuckle too.    He grabbed his cane and walked back to the bathroom that was designated as his. 

JoAnne decided to do some gardening outside.  Taking a portable radio with her, she took her gloves and proceeded outside to work on her favorite rose bushes.  With pop music playing in the background, JoAnne pruned her roses.  She didn't hear the gas utility man enter her garden.

Tipping his hat he said, "Scuse me ma'am.  Didn't mean to startle you.  I have a report of a gas leak in the area and I'm checking it out."  He pointed his clipboard at her.

JoAnne smiled and stood up.  "I don't smell anything.  Are you sure it's here?"

The man nodded his head.  "Can you let me check your kitchen and then I'll be out of your way."

JoAnne stood up and escorted the man into the kitchen. 

Johnny was in the bathroom taking his time.  He finished brushing his teeth and lathered his face up, oblivious to anything going on in the house.

The man proceeded to check the appliances.  "Everything looks okay.  Would you mind signing this for me?"  He took his clipboard and angled it to JoAnne.  As she went to get it, he dropped it.  JoAnne bent down to get it and the man hit her in the head and knocked her down.

"Wha?  What are you doing?"  She cried out, feeling the pain in her cheek and mouth, where she was struck.

The man held her down with one hand as he took a switchblade out from his pocket.  "Now if you're really quiet, I won't hurt ya.  Hell you might even enjoy it."

"NO!!"  JoAnne screamed realizing what was going to happen.  She twisted her body and surprised her attacker who released her.  JoAnne seized the moment and ran into the living room, knocking a table over.  "JOHNNY!"

Johnny thought he heard his name called out.  He experienced a flashback of Adam calling his name out.  The memory of the accident flooded Johnny's brain, causing a wave of dizziness.  He dropped his razor into the sink and held on for dear life, as the shaving cream dripped off his face.

The attacker tackled JoAnne from behind in the living room and hit her again.  He rolled her over onto her back.  JoAnne kicked out, but was unable to dislodge her assailant.  The invader took his knife out and started to cut JoAnne's blouse open.

"JOHNNY!"  JoAnne screamed again.

The attacker ignored the woman's cries for help. Having waited across the street until the coast was clear, he knew the kids and a man whom he presumed to be her husband had already left the house.  He sneered as he continued to aggressively physically abuse JoAnne.

Johnny heard his name yet again. Realizing it was JoAnne was crying out for him and not Adam. He opened the door to the bathroom and ran out to where JoAnne was.

"WHAT IN HELL ARE YOU DOING?"  Johnny yelled as he scrambled over to the noise. 

The attacker looked up when he heard a voice. He saw Johnny running toward him so he released JoAnne.  Quickly climbing to his feet, he swung the knife at Johnny. 

Seeing the knife and knowing Johnny wouldn't know it's existence, JoAnne screamed and struck out with her foot, which caused the attacker to fall forward. 

Using his cast as a weapon, Johnny swung and hit the intruder's head. The attacker's body went limp and fell to the floor with a thud.  JoAnne grabbed the knife, closed it and threw it toward the kitchen.

"JoAnne, are you okay?"  Johnny hollered, rushing over to her.  Hearing JoAnne softly sobbing, Johnny wrapped his arms around her, drawing her in close to him and whispered soothing words while rubbing her back.  Frightened, she instinctively put her arms around him, taking the offered comfort

"This… guy. He…pretended… to be a repairman.  He… hit me.  He… tried…he tried… to force… himself upon me."  She said between sucking breaths.

JoAnne's words visibly disturbed Johnny.  He pushed her back a bit and tilted her head up so he could look at her. "Let me take a look at your lip," he said, lightly touching Jo's split and swollen lip.  "It doesn't look too bad, JoAnne.  I've seen worse.  Some ice and maybe a stitch will make it better."

"Johnny?" JoAnne voiced in between sobs.

"What?"  He replied giving her one of his trademark grins.

"You can see my lip?!" She replied, her tears still spilling from her eyes.

Her statement startled him. Suddenly he realized he could see.  He looked around the room and saw the toppled table with the books strewn on the floor.  He saw the unconscious assailant lying on the floor only few feet away.  And he ultimately saw the woman of his best friend sobbing, yet looking at him in wonderment with the realization that, in fact, John Gage had his eyesight back.

"I can see." Johnny replied, half laughing.

"Oh Johnny!"  JoAnne beamed, the tears swelling in her eyes as she hugged him.

After several minutes to let JoAnne calm down, Johnny spoke up.  "If you're okay, I'm gonna call the police, and then take you to Rampart."  Johnny's professional demeanor didn't change, even with knowing his eyesight returned.

"Okay, Johnny."  JoAnne said weakly as the adrenaline was wearing off.  She looked down at her torn blouse, slightly embarrassed at her appearance. She began to tug at the scraps of fabric, trying to cover her flesh. "

Realizing her self-consciousness, Johnny stood up and moved away from her.  He offered her his hand to help steady her.  She looked down at the intruder and shuddered.

"Jo, why don't you go upstairs and change.  But don't throw out your clothes.  The police will need it."  She shook her head in acknowledgement as the tears fell from her eyes again.  But she was so grateful Johnny was in her home.  No words needed to be said as Johnny was able to see the emotions on her face.  Yes, her eyes indicated how appreciative she was and Johnny was able to see it all.

Once he knew JoAnne was upstairs, he secured the intruder with some ropes he found in the garage. Then, he called for the police and an ambulance and waited.

JoAnne came downstairs several long minutes later wearing her most comforting clothes, a jogging suit.  She heard the sirens racing toward her home and figured he' called for an ambulance too.

"Johnny, I don't need---"

"Please JoAnne, just toss it up to the paramedic in me. You're going for a ride and I won't accept any arguments.  But I'll arrange to ride in with you."

JoAnne relented and let her friend take charge, seeing Johnny's old self returning. After a brief interview by the police, JoAnne was loaded onto the gurney and taken to the waiting ambulance, with Johnny never leaving her side.

"I'll call Roy once we get to Rampart."

JoAnne nodded and closed her eyes, feeling both relief and worry at the same time.

*&*&*&*&*


"Dammit," Johnny cursed after hanging up the phone. "Why is it, when you need to talk to someone about something important, they are never where they should be," he muttered under his breath.

"Did you say something, Johnny," nurse Carol Williams asked with concern, having over heard Johnny talking when she walked out from the base station. She, like most of the staff, knew of Johnny's disability and thought perhaps, he was in need of assistance.

"It's nothing, Carol," Johnny replied shaking his head. "I was just talking to myself. I need to get in touch with Roy and he's not at the station."

"Well now, you're in luck cause Roy is on his way here right now with a patient," Carol replied. "How about I help you into the lounge and I'll let him know that you're here when he arrives."

Johnny shook his head, "No, Carol, that's not necessary. I think I'll just wait here for him. Did he say how long it would be before he arrived?"

"He should be here in about…seven minutes," she replied glancing at her watch. Looking back at Johnny she could see he was becoming agitated. She noticed he was repeatedly running his hand through his hair and looked a bit pale. This alone told her he was upset. Concerned that he might have a syncopal episode, Carol hurried to his side. "Johnny, I think maybe you should sit down. In fact, you can use Dixie's stool."

Before Johnny could say anything about the fact he could see, Carol led him back behind the nurses' station and guided him down onto Dixie's stool. Seconds later, Dixie appeared. "Carol, Dr. Early needs you in three, and you, Johnny need to come with me to treatment room four."

"Why?"

"Cause you need to be checked over," she replied sternly as she deposited a patient's chart into its holder.

"But Dix," Johnny said, standing up. "I'm not the one---"

"Save it, Johnny. JoAnne told us how you came to her rescue and considering you're still wearing a cast and still healing, I won't hear any arguments."

"But Dix, I need to talk to Roy when he arrives."

"Don't worry, Johnny," Dixie said taking a hold of Johnny's good arm, "I will make sure he knows you're here and are anxious to speak to him."

"But Dix, I---"

"Save your breath, Johnny, cause you're not using any of that Gage charm on me." Dixie smiled when she heard Johnny curse under his breath. Once she had him settled in the treatment room, Dixie returned to the nurse's station.

A few minutes later, Roy came into the emergency room with an ear to ear grin.  After depositing his patient in treatment room six, he walked over to the nurse's station.  Dixie looked up at him.

"I think I just delivered my 50th baby!"

Dixie smiled, but didn't say anything.  Roy picked up on her tone.  "What's the matter, Dix?"

Before Dixie could answer, or Roy could question her further, Kel Brackett came out from treatment room two and joined them both at the nurse's station.  "Good, I see Johnny got in contact with you."

"Me?  Why me?"  Roy asked looking bewildered.

Kel glanced at Dixie and noticed her shaking her head. He realized that Roy had no idea what he was talking about.  "Roy, would you come with me, Please?" 

"What's going on?" Roy queried, beginning to become annoyed with all the secrecy.  

"Roy, let's go to my office and we can talk in private."

Realizing he wasn't gonna be told what was going on, he resigned himself to follow the doctor.

Brackett waited until Roy entered the room, then he closed the door. "How about you have a seat," he said gesturing to the chair in front of his desk.

"Look doc," Roy said becoming concerned.  "What's going on?"

Kel took a deep breath and began to inform Roy about his wife. "JoAnne is in treatment room two.  She was attacked."

"ATTACKED!?" Roy bellowed, jumping up from the chair.

"Relax, Roy. She's going to be fine.  Joe is stitching up her lip and then we're going to x-ray her ribs as a precaution.  From what JoAnne told me, someone came to the house representing SoCal Gas. After she let him inside, he attacked her."

Roy bit the inside of his lip as he became increasingly alarmed.  "Sh-she's okay though?"

Brackett smiled.  "Yes she is.  She was physically assaulted and may have been raped if Johnny didn't stop it."

"Johnny?  What did he do?"

"According to JoAnne, once Johnny saw what was going on, he hit the assailant over the head with his cast.  I bet Mike Morton is chastising him right this very moment in treatment room four."

Hearing Brackett's words, Roy's head snapped up. "Doc, did you say Johnny saw him?"

Brackett nodded his head and smiled.  "Yes Roy.  It appears that the attack on JoAnne was the shock Johnny needed to get his eyesight back.  From what JoAnne told me, he acted out of instinct and he himself wasn't even aware that his eyesight was back."

Roy shook his head in shock.  "When can I see her?"

"Are you okay, Roy?"

"Yeah," he said letting out a breath. "I think so, anyway. As soon as I can see Jo, I'll feel better."

"No problem, Roy. She's in treatment room two. And Roy, she's already had one shock, when she sees you, she'll probably break down.  She's been putting up a good front."

Roy smiled as much as the tension inside him would allow.  'That's my Jo.' He thought to himself.  "I understand, Doc."

The two men then left Brackett's office and headed to treatment room two.  Brackett pushed the door open and peeked inside. He saw Joe Early talking softly to JoAnne.  Knocking on the door, he pushed it the rest of the way open and entered. Roy followed the doctor into the room.

"Look who I found wandering the halls," Brackett said as he approached JoAnne.

"Oh Roy….." JoAnne said, sitting up on the exam table.  Roy quickly moved to her side and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her in close to him. Suddenly, with having Roy by her side, JoAnne broke down and began to cry.

Knowing she was in good hands, both Joe and Kel left the room, giving Roy and JoAnne some privacy.

"Shhh! It's okay Jo.  I'm here, and I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you."  Roy soothed as he rubbed her back to comfort her.

"It was ho-ho-horrible, Roy.  He wanted to rrr-rape me," JoAnne said in between sobs.

Roy continued holding JoAnne tight, and rubbing her back.

"He had a knife and tore my blouse.  He said such disgusting things to me. Oh Roy, I don't know what I would have done, if Johnny hadn't been there. He…he...." JoAnne gave into the tears again.

Roy hugged his wife and kissed the top of her head.  "It's okay Jo, you're safe."

"Johnny came out of the bathroom with shaving cream all over his face.  If it was any other time, it would be funny," she half laughed while holding back a sob.  "He heard me crying out for him and then when he came into the room, he… he tackled this guy."

Roy knew JoAnne had to say her piece and then she'd be able to relax.  "Tell me what Johnny did," he encouraged her to talk.

"He hit the guy with his cast, knocking him out.  And then he walked right over to me.  Know what he said?"  JoAnne sniffed, placing a slight smile on her face.

"No, what did he say?"

"He looked at my lip and said it wasn't that bad, and that he's seen worse and some ice and a stitch will take care of it."  She paused as her sobbing was more in control.  "Then he tied up that guy and called the police."

Roy couldn't believe what he was told.  He wife was assaulted and his best friend who was blind came to her rescue.  At that moment Dixie walked into the room.

"Roy, Kel wants me to give Jo some Diazepam so she can rest.  We are gonna keep her overnight for observation.  And later, the police will want to talk to her. 

Within seconds, JoAnne's body slackened and Roy gently put her back down on the exam table. 

Roy looked at Dixie. "Ssshe's gonna be alright, isn't she."  It was more a statement then a question. 

Dixie smiled.  "Yes, and I'll let you know what room she's in.  Johnny's in four, and I know he wants to see you."

Roy took one last look at his sleeping wife, content to know she was okay.

Outside treatment room four, Roy heard Johnny arguing with Morton.

"I know Doc, but you mean my thumb is broken now?"

"Well I'll be sure after the x-rays."  Johnny moaned, but Morton continued, "that was pretty quick thinking, using the cast."  Johnny smiled.  Once the cast was completely removed, Morton spoke to the x-ray technician.  "Get me the wrist and the hand."

Morton walked out of the room and saw Roy standing outside.  "You can go inside after the x-rays are done."

"Can he still see?"  Roy wasn't sure how to ask that question.

Morton laughed.  "Yes, he can still see, and quite well.  But Sheila Grainger will see him after I put the cast back on his hand." 

The door to treatment room four opened and the x-ray tech walked out.  "I know Doc, you want these back STAT." 

Morton laughed, "No that's okay.  Just get 'em to me when you have 'em done."  Looking at Roy, Morton continued, "You can go in there now."

Roy walked into the room and saw Johnny laying on the gurney with his uninjured left armed draped over his face.  He didn't want to disturb his friend, figuring he, too, was worn out from the day's events.  He was about to leave when Johnny spoke up.

"It's okay Roy, you can come in."

Johnny's eyes were closed so Roy couldn't figure out how he knew it was him.

"I still know what you sound like, Roy."  Johnny shifted and sat up.  "How's JoAnne?"

"She's gonna be okay.  They sedated her now, so she's resting.  Bracket wants to admit her."

Johnny smiled with the knowledge his best friend's wife was okay.

"Roy, come on over here."  Johnny motioned with his hand.  "My vision isn't that good yet, but I still can see.  It's been awhile, Pally an' I wanna see your face."

Johnny's words caused Roy to grin.  He walked over to his friend and placed his hand on his shoulder.  The two never broke eye contact.  Johnny saw many emotions on his friend's face and Roy saw pure delight on Johnny's face.

*&*&*&*&*


THE NEXT DAY……..

"Johnny, I can drive you home before I pick JoAnne up from the hospital.  Is that okay with you?"

"Sure, Pally, that's fine.  It'll be good to be home."  As soon as he said it, he regretted the statement.  He didn't want Roy to think he took their hospitality for granted.  "What I mean is…"

"That's okay, Johnny.  I know what you mean.  There's nothing like being in your own home.  You shoulda heard JoAnne complaining last night about the hospital.  I'm so glad it was just for overnight."  Roy looked serious thinking about JoAnne's close call.

"You sure she's okay?"

"Physically, yes.  Emotionally?  I don't know.  Brackett recommends she sees some kind of therapist."

Johnny laughed.  "Yeah, Brackett is like that." 

Roy knew Johnny was referring to Eddie McNeil.  "Are you going to see him again?"

"Who?"

"Come on Johnny, you know who I mean."

"Oh him."

"Yes him!  Johnny he helped you.  Didn't he?"

"Yeah, I guess.  I really haven't thought about it though."  Johnny was lying and Roy knew it.  Johnny felt ill at ease to meet Eddie now that he had his sight back.  He didn't want to have to confront those strong emotions and images again.  He locked them away, deep down in his psyche and didn't want to have to confront his issues again.

"Just cause you got your sight back Johnny, doesn't mean those issues are gone."  Roy candidly looked at his friend.  "They're still there and will still haunt you."  Roy pointed to his friend's head.

"I know Roy.  Just don't want to think about it now."  Johnny paused and then smiled.  "I've got my eyesight back and there's plenty I want to see.  I gotta see Grainger today.  She had glasses made for me."

"Glasses?"

"Yup.  Glasses.  My left eye is still mending and these glasses will help ease the strain.  My right eye is okay so that lens is only glass.  Over time, I won't need the glasses."

"Glasses.  Hmmm."  Roy's blue eyes twinkled.

"What's that 'hmm' for?"

"John Gage wearing glasses.  Considering how many times your helmet's come off during a rescue, I can only imagine how many times you'll demolish your glasses.  You should tell Dr Grainger to order you a coupla of pairs."  Roy laughed.

Johnny had a mock insulted expression on his face while he put his broken hand up to his chest.  "Coupla of pairs?  Coupla of pairs?  I'll have you know that I take care of and respect my equipment."  Then Johnny smiled and his voice softened.  "It will be good to get back to work.  I missed it, Roy.  I really did."  Johnny's face reddened with embarrassment after making his statement.  But her really needed to tell Roy, indirectly how he felt.

Shaking his head, Roy just smiled.  He missed his partner too.

*&*&*&*&*


Six weeks later…..

"Ya know Gage, you look funny in those glasses."  Chet started up with his pigeon.  "I know you've been back here for about a week and every time I look at you, it's just looks funny."

"Whaddya mean?"

"You look kinda weird.  I bet the chicks are staying far away from you now cause of those glasses.  You look kinda geeky."  It was difficult for Chet to withhold his laughter, knowing his pigeon was in his trap.

"GEEKY?  I do not look geeky."  Johnny poured a cup of coffee and sat down next to Roy.  "Do I look geeky?"

Wearing a smile on his face Roy was about to answer when the tones went off.  "Station 51, woman in labor 1591 Brookside Place, 1-5-9-1 Brookside.  Time out 8:20."

Cap Stanley acknowledge the call and handed the slip to Roy.  It was passed to Johnny who took a double take.  "That's Adam and Janice's place."  Roy looked at Johnny and affirmed his statement.

The squad and rig got to the address within five minutes.  The door was open as the two paramedics followed by their Captain entered the apartment.  Stanley motioned for the rest of his crew to wait outside.

Janice was resting on the couch with one hand on her belly. 

"Janice?"

She looked up and was pleasantly surprised to see Johnny.  "Johnny!  When did you go back to work?"

"Never mind me, how far apart are the contractions?"  Johnny bent down next to her and took her pulse.

"Umm they're about three minutes apart - ."  She cried out in pain as a strong contraction hit her, grabbing Johnny's hand and squeezing it for all she was worth. 

He was surprised by her strength, but not the intensity of her pain.  Both paramedics had delivered babies before.  Once the pain eased, she drew in a ragged breath.

"Janice, you okay?" he asked, trying to get the circulation back in his fingers.

"I think so.  I had no idea it would hurt this much."  She remembered her doctor telling her there would be pain, but she wasn't prepared for this.  Never in her life had she felt cramps like this.  She wasn't even sure she could call them cramps.  They were awful.  Each one hurting more than the last and sometimes a new one started before the last had ended.  She wasn't sure she could go on.  Janice seriously thought about getting up and leaving but realized that was not possible.

"Janice, everything okay?  You look worried," Johnny smiled, trying to ease her fears.

"Just a little scared."

"That's perfectly normal.  We're here to help you through this and you're going to do just fine.  Everything will be just fine," he tried to reassure her.

"Oh heavens, here comes another one," Johnny let her squeeze his hand again, as Janice's let out a muffled scream.  He stole a glance at his watch and realized this one came about a minute from the last.

Roy set the OB kit down and cleared an area on the floor to be used as the makeshift delivery room. He asked Captain Stanley to call for an ambulance.  Stanley left the house to follow up on Roy's request.

"Roy, I don't think this baby's gonna wait," he mumbled quietly to his partner.  Roy noticed that Johnny was in a bit of pain as he spoke as Janice still had his hand in a deathgrip.

"I suppose you want to…" Roy was interrupted.

"If you don't mind," Johnny flashed his famous grin at his partner.  "I'd like the honor.  This one's special." 

Roy nodded in understanding.  He could see how much this would mean to his friend and it might also help in the continuation of his healing process.

"Johnny?"

"Yeah Janice?"

"I think it's time," she tried to laugh, but it hurt too much.

"Easy now.  We need to get you down here where Roy has everything set up.  Let us do all the work, okay?"

"Yeah," she replied weakly.  Her water broke while they guided her to the floor.  Johnny & Roy exchanged worried glances while they finished prepping her for delivery.  Neither had seen a labor progress this quickly, especially in a first-time mother.  She was already crowning.  Roy moved up closer to her head and obtained a set of vitals between contractions.  He then phoned Rampart to advise them of the impending delivery.

Johnny remained calm and tried to encourage her to breathe through her pains.  He tried to relax her by telling her some 'Phantom' tales.  She managed to chuckle a few times between contractions.

Many thoughts crossed her mind as the pains intensified with each succeeding contraction.  She wondered why she ever wanted to become a mother in the first place.  Then she recalled how she and Adam rejoiced when the got the news that she was pregnant.  She worried about life as a single parent.  How would she explain Adam's death to this child when he or she was old enough?  Why did God take him now and not twenty years from now?  Why did he have to take him at all?  Tears rolled down her cheeks as she reeled from the memories and pain of his recent death.

"Janice?  Janice are you still with us?" Johnny asked with concern clearly evident on his face.

She looked at Johnny and realized she must have really zoned out.  "Yeah, sorry."

"Don't be.  I understand.  We both do," he was sure he knew what she was thinking about.  Trying to lighten the mood a bit, he asked, "So,  are you ready to become a mommy?  I don't think this little one is willing to wait much longer."

"Do I have a choice?" she giggled.

"No.  Not really.  It's a little late to back out now," he smiled back at her.

With Roy coaching from the top, Janice gave the final push that brought little baby Pratt into the world.  No matter how many times Johnny did this, each delivery felt like the first.  He still marveled at the amazing gift of life in his hands.  This one was even more wonderful than all the others combined.  He knew this one; this was his friend's child.  He gently tended to the crying baby and wrapped it in a blanket.

Roy broke into a grin while he took another set of vitals and noted the time of birth.  "Well Junior - you gonna tell us or keep it a secret?"

"Huh?" he startled from his musing.

"Well, is it a boy or a girl?" he asked laughing and shaking his head.  He called in the vitals and delivery details to Rampart.

"Janice, let me be the first to introduce you to Baby…" He paused for dramatic effect before continuing, "Baby Boy Pratt!"

He carefully handed the baby to his mother and told Roy the APGAR score that Rampart requested. He was a nearly perfect '9'.  He kissed Janice on the forehead and congratulated her on her beautiful son.

Janice held the baby and cooed softly to him.  Johnny smiled as he helped prepare her for transport.  Looking up at Gage she replied, "What?"

"Ahhh... nothing," he answered, shaking his head.

"C'mon Johnny.  You've got something on your mind.  Spill it," she urged.

"Well, I was just thinking about how much -" he drew in a deep breath and sighed.

"How much what?" she gently prodded.

"How much he reminds me of Adam.  Not just his features, but... Well, he's... You know..."

His inability to voice his thoughts caused her to giggle.  It was a long time since she saw Johnny so tongue tied.  "What?"

"Loud, stubborn," he stopped and smiled before continuing, "and pushy!"

They all laughed.  The ambulance attendants were a bit puzzled when they arrived, but chocked it up to the stress of childbirth.

Johnny rode in the ambulance with Janice, proudly holding her new son.  "What are you going to name him, Janice?"

She looked at her son and then looked at Johnny and said, "Adam J. Pratt Jr.  But I think I'll just call him Junior."

Johnny smiled knowing that this little baby will have something in common with him, the term of endearment - Junior.

They got to the hospital at 9:30am.  Johnny followed the stretcher into the treatment room and handed the baby back to his mother.  He went out of the room and went looking for Roy.  Seeing Dixie he walked over to her.  "Congratulate me.  I just delivered a baby!"

Dixie raised her eyebrow.  She knew Johnny delivered a baby.  She was on the other end of the bio-phone. 

"I gotta get some cigars.  If Roy needs to find me, I'll be right back."

As Johnny was walking to the gift shop, Roy walked in, but the two didn't connect.

As Roy walked over to the base station he looked around for his missing partner.

"He went to get cigars, Roy."  Dixie said, knowing what Roy was looking for.

"You should have seen him, Dix.  When that baby was born, it was like a this weight came off his shoulders.  If I know my partner, not only will he be buying cigars, he'll be buying a baseball glove, a bat…."  As Roy continued, Johnny came back to join him.

"Here, have a cigar."  Johnny gave one to Roy.

"Here Dix, I got one for you."  Dixie gave Johnny a look that said, 'now what do you expect me to do with this.'

"Thanks, Johnny.  Hey, did you hear the news?"

"What news?"  Roy asked.

"Eddie McNeill is leaving us.  He got an offer at Harbour General and he's going to be going there."

Roy looked at Johnny's expression.  He knew that Johnny did not make it over to Eddie; to finally meet and see the person who helped him.

Trying to hide his surprise Johnny said, "when's his last day here?"

"I think today is his last day in the building.  He's tapered his hours knowing he was going to leave."  Dixie looked at Johnny hoping her statement would cause him to take action.

"Eh Roy, gimme a coupla of minutes."

"Okay Johnny.  I'll be in the squad."  He handed the handi-talk to him.

With butterflies in his stomach Johnny went upstairs to Eddie's office.  It was so different coming up to this floor.  The last time he was here, he was blind and defensive.  Now, Johnny was sited but still guarding his feelings.

Johnny slowly walked to Eddie's office.  Taking a deep breath, he walked in, only to find the office empty.  Open boxes were on the desk and couch with assorted diplomas, mementos and pictures set inside.  Johnny walked over to a box and looked at one of the pictures.  It was a scene of a young man and woman and a child.  Johnny had no idea who these people were or why a blind man would have pictures in his office.  While looking at the other pictures, Johnny didn't hear Eddie walk in.

The cane hit Johnny's foot.

"Excuse me.  I'll be done with these boxes in about fifteen minutes."  Eddie said, assuming Johnny was a porter there to remove the boxes.

Johnny turned around and looked at Eddie and was surprised at what he saw.  In front of him was a man about his own age.  There were facial scars, indicative of severe burns to the face.    'How could have been in Vietnam?' Johnny thought

Eddie stopped sensing the 'man' was staring at him.  "Is there something you need from me?"

Johnny cleared his throat.  "I heard you were leaving Rampart.  I wanted to say good bye."

Eddie smiled once he realized who was talking.  "Johnny, good to hear you.  Come in and sit down.  Tell me how things are going.  How are your eyes?"  This was not the scene Johnny thought would take place.  He thought Eddie would be angry with him for not following through with his therapy. 

Johnny sat down on the couch.  "My eyes are getting better.  I'm wearing glasses now, but Sheila, ah Dr. Grainger, says soon I won't need them anymore.  And I've been back at work for two weeks now."

"Great Johnny!  That's wonderful news."

Silence set in.  Eddie took a cigarette out from his desk and lit it.  Johnny watched in awe as this blind man lit a cigarette.  That a blind man put a flame near his face knowing that it was such that took away his eyesight.

"What's wrong Johnny.  This silence isn't like you."

"I don't un'erstand."

"What don't you un'erstand?"

"You told me you lost your eyesight in Vietnam.  You lied to me!"

Eddie smiled.  "That is one of more memorable lies I've told.  It was dramatic, wasn't it."

"Why Eddie?"

"Johnny, if I told you I lost my eyesight due to burns from a car fire, I don't think that would help us achieve your goal.  You would have focused on my injury and not on your own.  And knowing you couldn't see, you wouldn't be able to tell how old I was to confirm my story."

"But I trusted you and you lied."

"Oh don't be so naïve.  People lie all the time to achieve their own selfish goals.  And my goal was at least noble.  I wanted you to concentrate on you and not my own disability."

Johnny thought about what Eddie said.

"I am disappointed that you didn't come back after you got your sight back, however.  I know that you haven't unraveled Adam's death and what you saw.  It was horrible, his death, wasn't it."

Johnny felt the handi talkie in his hand and wished the tones would come on so he could leave.

"Come on Johnny, you have nothing to lose now by telling me.  You got your eyesight back and you're working again.  And Roy, your best friend is still your partner.  Let's have it John.  What was about Adam's death that did you in?"

Johnny was pensive.  He took his glasses off and gently rubbed his eyes.  He wasn't ready for this and realistically didn't think he would ever tell what he saw.

"I'll make a deal with you, Eddie.  You tell me and I'll tell you."

A broad smile became visible on Eddie's face.  "I like that Johnny; using that old Gage charm on me now."

Johnny laughed.  "Well I wouldn't call it Gage charm but, if it works for me, then I have nothing to lose."

Eddie laughed.  "Fair enough.  I was married to that woman you probably saw in the picture and we had a little boy Patrick.  We were living in New York at the time.  We were coming home from the beach and our car was involved in a multiple car pile up.  Unfortunately the impact was on the side of the car where the gas tank was and the car blew.  I tried to get my wife and child out, but couldn't.  That's why I have burns on my face, chest and hands.  The burns on my face were severe.  But it was the explosion that spewed out chemicals that damaged my eyes, causing the blindness.

Eddie sat back in his chair and inhaled from his cigarette.

"I'm so sorry Eddie."

"Thanks Johnny.  The part about the surgeon was correct.  And after I recovered, I couldn't return to that practice so I became a shrink.  I decided to leave New York and San Francisco seemed to be a nice place.  Now, Johnny, why don't you tell me what you saw."

Johnny looked at his handi-talkie hoping it would come to life, but it didn't.  "What I remember was the sound of Adam's body hitting the steering wheel.  It was such a horrible sound hearing his ribs break."  He took in a breath before continuing.  "An' then all the blood came out of his mouth, Doc.  So much blood.  An' it splashed all over the place.  On me.  His blood was landing on me and I was so repulsed by it.  Here I am, I paramedic, trained to deal with horrible scenes and I couldn't handle this."

The handi talkie squawked to life.  "Squad 51 to HT 51.  What is your status?"  It was Roy.

Johnny depressed the button and answered, "HT 51 to Squad 51.  Five minutes."

"Squad 51 10-4."

Eddie thought Johnny would use the interruption to plot his escape.  He was glad that Johnny didn't and was finally facing his devil.

"Go on Johnny."

"Eh, I wanted to scream but nothing came out of my throat.  I tried to close my eyes, but it hurt too much.  I guess the fragments were there.  So I just stared at Adam.  If I blinked my eye hurt.  If I closed it, it hurt more.  So I just watched.  I saw him looking at me and tryin' to talk to me.  He reached out and called my name.  He said Johnny, but it came out all garbled cause of the blood in his mouth.  He said it again a bit clearer and looked at me.  His eyes focused on me accusing me for not helping him.  Then, it was all over.  He closed his eyes and his arm collapsed at this side.  I couldn't close my eyes.  I couldn't turn my head.  I was being punished for not being there to help him."  Johnny took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Johnny, there was nothing you could do and some day you'll come to accept that.  Even if you weren't hurt and could come to Adam's aid, his injuries were not compatible with life."

Eddie reached into his draw and took out another cigarette and lit it.  "It took me some time to realize that I did all I could to get my wife and son out of that care.  There are times when were are just not meant to do so.  Oh, I played the what ifs.  But it didn't matter.  They were dead and I was alive.  So I made up my mind to continue with living.  And I'm glad to see that you're doing that too."

Eddie stood up.  "If you ever want to talk more, Johnny, you can find me at Harbour General.  My door will always be open to you."  Eddie extended his hand to Johnny.

The two shook hands.

"Tell me doc, did you ever get your steak dinner?" 

Before Eddie had a chance to answer, Roy's voice came over the handi talkie telling Johnny they had a run."

"Go Johnny.  Go on and do your job."

"See ya doc."

Johnny ran out of Eddie's office and down the stairs.  He was running back to his life.


Authors' comments: this was a collaborative effort by the JG Pen Guins.  We dedicate this story to the New York City firemen who died on Father's Day 2001.  The authors, Pattie, Holly, Mary Ann, Betty and Kajakat mourn their loss.  The bulk of this story was written during that time.  We also thank Ria for her assitance in beta reading this for us.