hookers lookers and trojans

Hookers, Lookers and Trojans
by Do You Really Think I'm Going to Use My Real Name?

It all started with a misunderstanding. Well, actually it was one fireman listening in on two other firemen's conversation. It was typical that this fireman eavesdropped on conversations throughout the station. That's how he maintained his edge with his alter ego, The Phantom.

It started as a typical day at Station 51 in Carson, California. The sun was shining and the temperature was in the mid 70's. Mike Stoker was the first one in for the A-shift. After changing into his uniform he went to the kitchen to make a fresh pot of coffee and mingle with the guys from C-shift. Laughter was heard coming from the captain's office as Hank Stanley talked with C-shift's captain.

In the locker room, Marco Lopez, Chet Kelly and Roy DeSoto were changing into their uniforms. As usual, John Gage wasn't there and would probably run in with no time to spare.

"The coffee smells good. I'm gonna get me some," Marco said. "Wanna come, Chet?"

Chet thought about it for a second. He usually got his best gossip when Johnny came in late. He needed to hear how his pigeon spent his days off, in order to plan his next attack. "Thanks Marco, my pal. I'll join you there." Marco didn't give Chet's comments any second thoughts and went off to the kitchen. Chet decided to remain in the locker room as quietly as he could. He knew Roy was in his own little world, oblivious to the Phantom's whereabouts.

It was the sound of tires squealing that first indicated Johnny Gage's arrival at the station. Then it was the frantic footsteps as the lanky man raced into the locker room.

Roy was sitting against the locker room's wall reading a note that JoAnne had placed in his stuff. He blushed and a huge smile appeared across his face. He quickly crumpled the note as Johnny entered. No need for anyone else to read this tidbit intended for 'his eyes only'.

"Cutting it close Johnny?"

"Don't remind me, but I'll tell ya Roy, it's well worth it." A lopsided grin appeared on Johnny's face as he took off his street clothing in order to get into his uniform.

Chet's eyes twinkled knowing he'd be hearing good gossip real soon and this good stuff would be ammunition for The Phantom. He quietly walked over to the back of Gage's locker so he could hear better.

Johnny was amazing and truly demonstrated how one person could do two things at a time. He proceeded to change and talk to Roy about his latest discovery, a new woman.

"Roy I met this woman and she's amazing. She's incredible." His eyes sparkled as he recounted his encounter. "I was at The Donut Dip…"

"You went there after you got food poisoning from Chet?"

Chet had to stifle his inclination to defend himself. It wasn't his fault Gage got sick.

"Why not go there? Their donuts are good. And if you think about it, it really wasn't Chet's fault…"

Roy shook his head. Johnny could never hold a grudge, or so he thought.

"So this woman was waitin' for some coffee..." Johnny spilled some talcum powder on the floor and used his towel to mop it up. Then he proceeded to shake out the towel. The air suddenly smelled of baby powder, which really wasn't a big deal, except Chet was allergic to the fine particulate matter. As the dust offended his nose, he had to squelch a sneeze. It was difficult to hear Gage's conversation while thinking, "I cannot sneeze, I cannot sneeze."

"Anyway, forget the donuts. This chick, Daisy…"

"Daisy?"

"Yeah, Daisy, she's a looker..."

Okay, this conversation isn't any different than any other that Johnny and Roy usually had after a long weekend. Chet usually sits around listening, but today he didn't exactly hear what Johnny said. Johnny said one word and Chet thought he said another.

"Ah geez I know Gage is hard up sometimes, but to resort to a prostitute? A hooker? Come on. And to brag about it to Roy? I mean Roy's a family man. What does he know about hookers? Strike that, he was in the military. Back to Gage. Why would he go out with a hooker? I mean to pay for sex? God, it's worse than I ever thought." Then Chet got over feeling sorry for Johnny. "A hooker? The Phantom knows just what to do." Chet silently rubbed his hands together as he plotted.

"Roll call in five minutes." Cap's voice could be heard and Gage and DeSoto left the locker room. Chet waited an ample amount of time before leaving the room himself.

There was nothing Chet could do this shift to annoy Johnny, but given time and a day off, Chester the Pester and his buddy The Phantom, would have his pigeon.

***

This next time Station 51 had duty, it wasn't a nice day, weatherwise. It was rainy and chilly, by Los Angeles standards and that usually meant more traffic accidents.

Chet hung out in the locker room hoping to hear more about Gage's 'new girl' Daisy and he wasn't disappointed.

Johnny was actually early enough that he and Roy talked leisurely and openly in the room.

"So how is Daisy, Johnny? Is she the girl of your dreams?" If Chet could only see the smile on Roy's face.

"Oh man Roy, I spent my days off with her. For some reason she had the time off from work."

'Sure Johnny, if you pay her.' Chet thought.

"How much did it cost you this time?" Roy asked. Chet nearly fell off the bench with that question.

Johnny gave Roy an evil look. Everyone knew how cheap Johnny was, especially on dates.

"Roy, it's not how much you spend on a girl, it's how you spend the time and what you do with them."

Chet thought he was going to pee in his pants. He could only imagine the horizontal action Gage was referring to. But the fact that Johnny had to pay for it didn't make sense. It didn't matter, as the Phantom arrived early and planted his little tricks all over the station, just for Johnny's pleasure. 'Johnny's pleasure,' the mere thought of that phrase nearly sent the Phantom to a giggly grave. Chet was lost in his thoughts and didn't hear the rest of the conversation.

"Do you know where my extra belt buckle is?" Johnny asked.

"I think you moved them into this locker to keep them from getting wet." Roy pointed and John got up and opened the locker that separated the two. What he saw inside left him speechless. Two condoms filled with what he supposed was water were tied up and hanging from the two hooks. Roy, seeing Johnny's confusion, went to look at what had tongue-tied his partner. Roy, a modest man, turned crimson seeing the condoms. "What the hell is that?"

Johnny had a look of disgust on his face. "I hope this isn't some juvenile phantom prank." He closed the locker's door after removing the water-logged devices from their perch. He gingerly took them to the bathroom to dispose of them. When he came out of the room the look of disgust was still on his face.

"Roll call, five minutes," Hank Stanley announced.

"When I find Chet…" Johnny didn't finish as the tones called them out.

***

The squad was busy most of the morning but that didn't excuse Johnny from his lunch responsibilities. He made it easy on himself, much to the crew's chagrin, and made hotdogs and hamburgers. Dinner would be pizza.

Johnny was putting the hotdogs and burgers onto buns and arranging them on a plate. The men were sitting around the table waiting to grab their food.

"I must say, even though Johnny makes hotdogs and burgers all the time, they are good," Marco said.

"Well thanks Marco for the compliment. It's nice to know my hard work doesn't go unnoticed," Johnny said as he brought the plate to the table. A bevy of hands went for the plate, leaving only hotdogs. Johnny didn't mind eating hotdogs. Hell it was food and was more than he ever had as a child, but that's a story for another time.

After applying mustard, ketchup, relish and sauerkraut Johnny anticipated biting into heaven, or his slice of it, but instead sunk his teeth into something that was not food. He spit it out onto the plate and wiped his mouth with his bare arm. "What is this?"

"Did you have to do that Gage?" Stanley asked with annoyance in his voice.

"Sorry Cap." Johnny got up and took his plate to the sink.

"Hey Johnny, you made lunch. Whaddya expect to find? We have to put up with it all the time and now you know what we go through." Chet chimed in. He didn't want to look too obvious.

"Oh shut up Chester."

"Oh shut up Chester," Chet mocked.

"The two of you twits better shut up or I'll have you clean the driveway with your toothbrushes wearing your turnout coats." Stanley was annoyed and wasn't in the mood for a kindergarten class today, even if it was his own crew misbehaving.

Roy stood up and walked over to Johnny as his partner pulled his lunch apart. It was difficult to tell, but it looked like the hotdog was wrapped in some kind of plastic. "But I swore I took them all out of the packages," Johnny said to no one.

"Here Johnny. I took two burgers, you can have one of mine," Roy was handing Johnny the food.

Johnny frowned. "No thanks Roy, you put weird things on your burgers."

Roy was amazed. This statement was coming from someone who inhaled his food, never really savoring the taste. "Okay, don't complain later when your stomach's growling." Roy went back to his seat to finish eating his lunch.

Johnny continued poking around his hotdog and figured out what he bit into; it was a condom. "Eww," he said aloud.

"Whatever it was, pal, don't share it with us." Hank ordered.

"But Cap…" Johnny protested.

"Do you really want to scrub the driveway today and the next shift and the next shift?"

"No Cap, sorry."

Kelly snickered softly but Roy heard it and figured the Phantom was at it again. But whatever IT was, Roy had no clue.

There were certain things The Phantom wanted to cover, but he couldn't and wouldn't interfere with their duties. That was too bad, cause the stethoscope would have been fun to cover and an esophageal airway, but no, the Phantom would never put the lives of the public in danger. The Phantom was a good imp whose sole purpose in life was to make a certain pigeon's life more interesting.

***

It was later in the afternoon, and the men of Station 51 were cleaning their extra equipment since the rain made for muddy rescues. Johnny was helping Marco clean the hoses and nozzles. He went to grab another nozzle and it fell from his hand onto the floor. It nearly landed on his foot.

"You okay Johnny?"

"Yeah Marco," Johnny said as he picked up the equipment. It had a funny feel to it. Johnny looked at it and realized a condom was draped across it. "Now I've seen it all."

"Huh Johnny? You say something?"

Johnny looked at up Marco's innocent expression. He knew Marco had no idea what was going on and it was looking more and more like Chet was going after him again. 'But why condoms?'

"Johnny, you okay?" Marco asked.

Johnny looked at the nozzle again and then realized Marco was speaking to him. "Yeah, I'm okay, but a certain fireman won't be." The last several words were spoken through clenched teeth. Johnny walked away, carrying the nozzle, and went looking for Chet.

But, the station was called out on a run.

Three hours later the weary men came back from their run. It was a miserable run involving a multi-car accident on the 405. The engine crew came back first followed twenty minutes later by the squad.

"I'm gonna change my uniform Roy. I'm soaked clean through. If it wasn't the rain it was Kelly using the reel line to wash away the gas. I swear, he musta thought I had gas on me." Johnny closed the squad's door and headed slowly toward the locker room. Johnny didn't even wait to see what Roy was going to do, but assumed Roy would want to change too. They were soaked, weary and hungry. This multi vehicle accident had several fatalities, which always made it more difficult to maintain one's emotions.

Johnny walked to his locker and opened the door. On the top shelf he found a tube. He picked it up and saw it was labeled The Perky Pecker for Picky Pokers, 'a tool for the tool'. Johnny's eyes widened as he read the package. When Roy came in, surprising him, Johnny dropped the contentious tube on the floor. He bent down to get it and hit his head on his locker door.

"Shit!" Johnny rubbed his head and felt a welt developing.

"You okay?" Roy looked at Johnny's head. "Whatcha got in your hand?" Roy pointed.

"Ah, this? Um, this. I ah, nothin'" He threw the tube into his bag and closed his locker with a convincing thud.

"I thought you were gonna change Johnny."

"Changed my mind." Johnny got up to leave the room. Roy's eyes followed Johnny out and then he went to Johnny's locker to see what that item was.

"Rrooyy." Johnny said in mock annoyance, as he peeked back in.

"Sorry." Roy shrugged his shoulders and decided to change into dry clothing.

Johnny had to think. It was obvious the Phantom was going after him, but why? And why with sexually related items? Johnny went to the bay area and sat on the squad's running board to think. 'Why these kinda items? It can't be cause I got a girlfriend. I've had girlfriends before and Chet never did anything like this. I gotta figure out what he's thinkin.'

The rest of the shift was quiet, but Johnny was jumpy the whole time. He was expecting more X-rated material to appear unannounced. This worrying made Johnny tired and the fact he missed lunch also diminished his normally high energy level.

Cap called for lights out at 11:00PM. When Johnny got into his bed, he knew something wasn't right. He was afraid to find out what it was and more so didn't want to expose himself and the prank to the rest of the group. As far as they knew the Phantom was in a dormant phase and Johnny didn't want the others to know that that spirit was awakened.

For most of the night, Johnny couldn't sleep and he tossed and turned. Roy was aware of the motion. Being a father of two children, his internal antenna was always turned on.

"What is wrong with you, Johnny?" Roy asked in a whisper.

"Can't get comfortable."

"So turn your light on and fix the damn bad and go back to sleep. At this rate you'll be keeping me up too."

"And me too," Chet chimed in. He was in his glory knowing his latest device was doing what it was suppose to.

"Shut up Chet and mind your own business," Johnny said in a voice that was a bit louder than it should be.

"Hey your tossin' and turnin' is my business, cause if you don't sleep, you keep all of us up!" Chet always had a comeback.

"Well, um, er, just leave me alone." On the other hand, Gage rarely had a retort and if he did it never held a candle to Chet's.

Although Johnny was uncomfortable, he made up his mind not to move and deal with the bumpy, prickly feeling. Hell, he slept on worse beds, but that was also another story.

***

The 7:00AM morning tones couldn't sound early enough for Johnny, so he got up from his bed and put on his bunker pants. He wanted to check out what was on his mattress, but didn't want to arouse anyone's suspicion. His best intentions on checking his bunk couldn't be followed through on because the squad was called out on a run. He bet that whatever that device was, would be gone by the time they came back.

Squad 51 returned from Rampart Hospital at 9:00AM. Roy and John changed into their street clothes and headed toward their cars. Roy waved goodbye and headed off in his sports car to follow up on that little note JoAnne had tucked into his pants. The smile never leaving his face in anticipation of what JoAnne planned. But that also is for another story.

Johnny got into his car dog-tired. He put his hands on the steering wheel and they slid right off. Upon further investigation Johnny noticed his steering wheel was covered with something slippery. He reached into his glove compartment to get a tissue and a lotion bottle fell out onto the floor. Johnny reached over to grab it, but it too was slippery. When he finally got his hands on it, he nearly fainted when he got a look at the item. It was called 'Motion in the Ocean Lotion'. It was another sexual object that someone planted on him. With a look of renewed disgust, Johnny threw the bottle back in his glove compartment and took out a tissue to wipe down his steering wheel. 'At least, I'll have some rest at home.'

Well, he thought he'd have rest. He forgot that Daisy was going to be making him breakfast and dessert. But that's another story and I can't go into details.

Johnny had two days off and spent the first one with Daisy. They went to the beach, dinner and a movie. The second day Johnny needed to rest up, as he was very tired. After sleeping in and having a late breakfast Johnny went to get his mail. A package was stuffed in his mailbox. He walked slowly back to his apartment, opening the brown wrapped item. Once it was opened he discovered it was betamax movie titled, Firemen with their Hoses. The cover of this movie had three men clad in their bunker pants with the their thumbs locked into the suspender loops. The men had pushed the pants low on their waist, exposing more than Johnny wanted to see. "What the hell is this?" he asked no one in particular. His face reddened as he stared at the cover. "This is it." He threw the tape on the table along with motion lotion and pecker potion. "I've had it and I'm gonna let the Phantom know!"

Johnny fumed knowing that the Phantom had to be behind this, but why? Johnny swore to get to the bottom of this on his next shift. He put all of the offensive material in a brown bag and stowed it next to his duffel bag.

***

Johnny got to the Station early and put the brown paper bag into his locker. He checked around to see if any other little pranks were in store for him. Much to his relief, none could be found. Well, there were other items, but Johnny's searching was limited when the engine and squad were toned out to a house fire.

As far as house fires go, this was a relatively easy one. It was an abandoned house and Station 51's crew was manning the hoses to dose the flames. Marco backed Chet and Johnny backed Roy. Hank was watching the situation and Mike was keeping an eye on the water pressure. The pressure dropped when one of the hoses developed a break.

Marco and Chet weren't expecting this to happen so they were caught off guard. They were both knocked down as the hose flipped around, dosing them with water and even hitting Chet. Mike immediately turned off the feed to that hose. John and Roy turned off their hose to help their downed comrades. Roy went to Marco and Johnny went to Chet. Marco sat up, removed his helmet and shook his head indicating he was okay. That didn't stop Roy from tending to his patient.

"You okay Chet?" Johnny asked as he crouched down near Chet who was writhing on the ground in the fetal position, holding his stomach. Johnny put his gloved hand on Chet and asked again, "You okay?"

"NO!" Chet screamed.

Johnny tried to straighten Chet out, but Chet just curled back up.

"Well tell me where ya hurt." Johnny took his helmet and gloves off. He tried to keep Chet still, but was having a difficult time. "Chet I can't help you unless you tell me."

Chet motioned with his finger for Johnny to get closer, which the paramedic did. "I got hit in the nuts." Johnny stifled a laugh. He was thinking how glad he was that it was Chet and not him, but also sympathetic to the pain Chet must be suffering. For all the injuries Johnny sustained over the years, a blow to the family jewels wasn't one of them.

"Cap, can you get me the biophone and the drug box?" Johnny asked and the Captain acknowledged. "Don't worry Chester B., I'll take good care of you."

"DON'T TELL ANYONE!" He uttered under his breath as he grabbed onto Johnny's blue pants.

"Oh grow up Chet. This is nothing to be embarrassed about, and you of all people, leavin' me all that stuff!"

"Ohhhhhh," Chet moaned.

"Is he going to be okay?" Cap asked as he placed the equipment by the obviously distressed man.

"Ah yeah, he'll be okay." Johnny made a face trying to indicate exactly what Chet's problem was, hoping the Cap would figure it out. Hank shrugged his shoulders and walked away to check on Marco. Johnny returned his attention to Chet and took his vital signs.

Johnny used the biophone to call in Chet's injury to Rampart. Dr. Early was relaying instructions to Johnny to check Chet visually for swelling and any other injury.

"Eh, Chet? Dr. Early wants me to check you, ya know, for damage." Although this would be funny in another setting, Johnny was the ultimate professional.

"Must you Gage?" It was a plea from Chet asked several octaves higher.

"Chet, the sooner I check the sooner it will be over and I can get you some pain meds." Johnny told the stricken phantom.

Chet shook his head and groaned, closing his eyes.

"Need help Johnny?" Roy asked.

"Nah, I'm okay Roy. Why don't you guys stay with Marco, while I check Chet out." With Chet's eyes closed Johnny motioned where the injury was. Each man made a face acknowledging Johnny's request for privacy. "Roy? Why don't you call for an ambulance." Roy put the call in. Marco and Mike returned to putting out the fire while the Captain watched the engine's dials.

"I'll make this fast," Johnny said.

"JUST DO IT!" Chet yelled.

Johnny took out the scissors and cut away Chet's pants and boxers. He did a visual examination and didn't see any cuts, although swelling was apparent. He reported his findings to Dr. Early who ordered a pain reliever. An ambulance was heard in the distance, which was a relief to all. Johnny took a yellow blanket from the squad and covered Chet up. The drug was having its effect as a smile appeared on Chet's face.

"How is he?" Roy asked.

"He'll be okay," Johnny said as he started putting the equipment away. "I'll ride in with him." Roy shook his head.

The ambulance arrived and the men gently lifted Chet onto the stretcher. Johnny packed his equipment within the cab and they were off.

"Woow Gage, this stuff is good." Chet was smiling and singing something nonsensical.

Johnny thought it was a good time to ask Chet why. "Ya know Chet, you've made my life interesting the last coupla shifts. Why?"

Chet hummed but didn't answer.

Johnny poked him to get his attention. "Why, Chet? Why?"

"Cause a' Daisy."

"Daisy? Why Daisy?"

"Cause she's a hooker."

"A HOOKER? Where did you hear that?"

Chet snickered. "I heard you tell Roy, she's a hooker."

"I NEVER SAID THAT. What makes you think I'd go out with a hooker. I'm not hard up for dates. When did you hear that?" Johnny's voice was now several octaves higher.

"A few shifts ago, when you met her at The Donut Dip. You tol' Roy she's a hooker."

Johnny thought for a minute remembering his conversation with Roy. "CHET, I told Roy she's a looker not a hooker!" Johnny wiped his face with his hand. "Is that why you planted all that stuff around."

With a smile on his face Chet shook his head up and down.

"Oh man, Chet. You're sick."

***

Chet was kept overnight for observation, much to Johnny's relief. Chet fessed up to where all the other hidden treasures were. As soon as Roy and John were back in the station, Johnny made it a point to find every item and remove each one of them. His brown paper bag was filled with stuff.

"What's in the bag?" Roy asked as he followed Johnny back to the locker room.

"Stuff."

Roy shook his head. "Stuff?"

"Yeah stuff. I'm gonna give it to Chet. He's gonna need it." Johnny snickered, but then his expression changed. He opened the bag and pulled out a book and gave it to Roy. "Here this is for you."

Roy took the book and read the title. His face reddened after looking at the book. Sex for the Clueless.

"JoAnne might like it," Johnny said with a mischievous grin on his face. "Anyway, I don't need it." Johnny stuffed the bag into his locker and left the room whistling.

Roy's face was beet red, but his curiosity got to him and he opened the book, flipping through some pages. "Yeah, JoAnne might like that," Roy thought and smiled.

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