STARTING TO LIVE AGAIN

by Mary Ann
(Formerly titled "Hannah's Story")

Roy sat straight up in bed, being awakened from a deep sleep. He automatically reached for his turnout gear, grabbing nothing but air, finally realizing he was home and it was just the phone ringing.  He chuckled to himself as he picked up the receiver. 

"Hello?"

"Hi Roy, it's Rudy, from The Five Alarm."

He sighed.  "Johnny?"

"Yeah, he's done it again.  If you can't come down here, I'm going to have to call the cops this time.  He's been threatening people with a pool stick."

"It's okay Rudy, I'm on my way."  He answered.

"Thanks Roy."

Roy hung up the phone and leaned back against the headboard rubbing his eyes. 

"Roy?"  Joanne asked sleepily.   "Johnny's in trouble again?"

"Yeah, I gotta go, or he could wind up in jail.  I'll have to take him home."

"It's okay Roy.  I understand."  She pulled herself up and kissed him gently.  "He needs you now."

"I'm glad you understand." Roy smiled at her.

"After what he's been through, I'm surprised he's handling it as well as he is."

"That's just it Jo, he's not handling anything.  He's been taking on as many overtime shifts as he can find.  Everybody knows if you want a day off, call John Gage. It doesn't matter to him if it's a paramedic shift or a regular firefighter shift.  And the nights he doesn't have any work, he goes to the bar and drinks himself stupid.  It's been six months, I think maybe we're cutting him too much slack.  I'm going to have to have a talk with him tomorrow after he sobers up."

"Try to be gentle Roy, he's still hurting.  Losing Kaycee's torn him apart."

"I know that Jo, but I also know he promised her he'd go on living, and I don't call what he's been doing living.  I call it hiding."

"Do what you think is best Roy."  Joanne kissed her husband again.

"I'd better get going.  I'll be back tomorrow as soon as I can."  He hugged her again and throwing the covers off, got up to once again rescue his partner from himself.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A trim, healthy tanned blond woman approached the bar.  "Need some help?  I'm an off duty CHP officer."  She flashed Rudy her badge and gestured to the crowd of people gathered near the back of the bar.

"Just someone that's had a little too much to drink tonight.  I just called his partner.  I hate to see him get in trouble with the law.  He's been through a lot lately."

"Partner?"  She asked.  "He a cop?"

Rudy shook his head no.  "Fireman-paramedic."

"I see."  She nodded.  "Well let me see if I can get him calmed down until his partner gets here.  What's his name?"

"John Gage."  Rudy supplied.

Hanna looked at Rudy with surprise.  "Did you say John Gage?"

Rudy nodded.  "It can't be the same John Gage."  She thought to herself, pushing her way through the crowd gathered.  "Okay, break it up, nothing to see here."  She used her professional voice, flashing her badge at some of the more persistent gawkers.  After the crowd dispersed, she finally got a closer look at the cause of all the excitement.  Johnny leaned drunkenly against the pool table still holding the pool stick in a threatening manner.  She stared stunned for a moment at the man in front of her.  "Come on Johnny, you're not going to use that thing on me, are you?" 

"I might."  He answered.

"I don't think you'll do that."  She replied, taking a step towards him.

"Oh you don't, huh?  What makes you such an expert on what I will or won't do?"  He spat angrily at her.

"Because I know you Johnny, you'd never hurt anyone."  She answered, again taking a step towards him.

Johnny lowered the pool stick, taking a closer look at the woman in front of him.  "You know me?"

"Yeah, I do, but I bet you don't recognize me. Last time you saw me, I still wore my hair in pigtails and had braces on my teeth."  She answered smiling.

He still looked at her blankly.  "I'm sorry, I don't recognize you."

"Does the name Tony Beumont ring a bell?"  She hinted.

Johnny took a much closer look at her.  "Hanna?"

"Yeah."  She nodded.

"Jeez, the last time I saw you, you were 14 years old."  He said, astonished.

"Yeah, and the tag-along bratty sister to your best friend."  She added grinning.

"What are you doing in LA?"  He asked.

"Tell you what, I'll tell you everything you want to know if you give me the pool stick."  She held her hand out for it.

Johnny handed her the pool stick.  "Okay."

"How about we have a seat and wait for your partner to get here.  Rudy said he called him."  He nodded his head and they sat down in the closest booth.

"How about a cup of coffee, Johnny, nothing like catching up with old friends over a cup of good coffee?"  She asked lightly, hoping to get some coffee into him to help sober him up.

He grinned.  "You won't get any good coffee here, not strong enough."

"Rudy said you're a fireman.  You're probably used to the sludge they call station house coffee."  Hanna motioned the waitress over.  "Two coffees and keep it coming."

"You know a lot about firemen."  Johnny observed.

"Well, I work with them a lot."

"You a fireman?"  He asked.

"Nope."  She shook her head.  "CHP."

"CHP?"  He asked grinning at her.  "I'm sorry, I'm having a hard time picturing the same little girl that used to spy on me and Tony, and report all our activities to your mother, and my mother, being a CHP officer."

"I wouldn't have to spy if you two included me in on what you were doing."  She replied, grinning back at him.

"How is Tony?"  Johnny asked.  "When I first moved here, we wrote back and forth some, but after a while, we just sort of lost touch."

"He's doing good.  Took over the family farm.  Got married about 5 years ago and he's got 3 kids now."  She answered.

"Do I know his wife?"  Johnny asked.

Hanna chuckled.  "Yeah, you know her.  Rachel Montgomery."

"You're kidding, he was always drooling over her and she wouldn't give him the time of day."  Johnny laughed.

"Things changed after high school.  They were both working at Pete's Grocery Store, and hit it off while they were at work.  Believe it or not, she actually asked him out for their first date."

"No kidding?"  He shook his head.  "You said they have 3 kids now?"

"Yup, wanna see their pictures?"  She pulled her wallet out of her purse, and handed Johnny a picture.  "The oldest is Steven, he's 4.  Their girl Kerry's 2 1/2 and the baby is Michael, he just turned 6 months old a few days ago."

"Steven sure looks like his dad."  Johnny commented, handing the picture back to her.

"Yeah."  She nodded, putting her wallet back in her purse.

"You never told me what you're doing in LA."  He prompted.

"Pretty simple story.  Montana wasn't hiring female Highway Patrol officers when I wanted to enter the academy, California was."  She explained.

"How long you been in California?"

"Four years, I just moved to LA about seven months ago."

"Your job transfer you?"

"No, I requested it.  I was living in San Francisco. I lost my husband eight months ago.  He was a naval officer and died in a training accident."

"I'm sorry to hear that, we're you married long?"

"Three years."  She looked sad for a moment, but pulled herself together, and smiled at him.  "So what about you?  Did Love 'em and Leave 'em Gage ever settle down?"

He grinned at his old nickname for a minute, and sighed.  "Yeah, I did, got married about six months ago.  She died in my arms, three days later."

"Then I'm sorry for you too, I wouldn't wish the pain it causes on anyone, especially an old friend like you."  She reached over and squeezed his arm.

"Yeah, I'm having a rough time spending my night's off at the ranch.  I guess that's why I come down here."

"You trying to forget, too?"  She asked softly.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Doesn't work too well, does it?"  She sighed.

"Nope."  He grinned at her.  "But I keep trying anyway."

"I was just coming in here for a nightcap before heading home.  Keeps the dreams at bay, you know?"

"Yeah, I know."  He nodded his head. 

"Maybe it's time we faced it?"  She suggested.

"Well, it'd be easier having a friend that knows what I'm going through."  Johnny smiled at her.  "Don't you hate it when people try to tell you they know what you're going through when they've never been through it themselves?"

"Yeah, that's part of the reason I left San Francisco."  She admitted.

"If it weren't for my partner Roy, I think I might have left town too, after Kaycee died.  We've been partners for almost eight years now.  He's about the closest thing I've got to a brother; I just couldn't leave him behind.  Sound stupid?"

"No, it makes sense.  If I had a permanent partner that I could have formed a bond with, I probably wouldn't have left San Francisco."

"I know this is going to sound like the worst pick-up line you've ever heard, but do you mind if I get your phone number.  I'd really like to stay in touch after tonight."  He asked nervously.

"I'd like that."  She agreed, writing her number down on a napkin.  "Don't lose this, I'd hate to go another twelve years without seeing you again."  She teased.

"Tell you what, if I don't call you by next weekend, you can always track me down at Station 51.  If I'm not there, somebody will know how to contact me."

"Okay, you got a deal."  She smiled at him.

"Hey Johnny, find a new friend?"  Roy asked as he approached the booth.

"Roy, I'm sorry I dragged you out of bed, and down here."

"It's okay Johnny.  Hi, I'm Roy DeSoto."  He extended his hand to Hanna.

"Hanna Grayling."  She introduced herself, shaking Roy's hand.

"I expected to find you hanging from the light fixtures."  Roy teased, sliding into the booth next to Johnny.

"If it weren't for Hanna, I probably would be."  He flashed Hanna a smile.

"Just doing my part to keep a fellow public servant out of trouble."  She joined in the light mood of the conversation.

"You a firefighter, too?"  Roy asked.

"No, I'm a CHP officer."

"Well, thanks for talking Johnny out of doing something stupid."  He elbowed Johnny in the ribs.

"Roy, Hanna here is an old family friend of mine.  Her brother Tony and I were best friends growing up.  She recognized me, right after Rudy called you, and we've been sitting here just catching up."  Johnny explained.

"Really, and of all places to have a reunion, in the dead of night, in a bar."  Roy joked.  "So how'd this all start anyway?"

"A couple of guys from 127's came over and told me how sorry they were to hear about Kaycee.  I got upset because I came in here trying to forget about it, and when they said that, I just kind of lost it."  Johnny admitted.  "Hanna and I were just talking about how it's probably time to start dealing with it."

"Well then, I guess I owe you a big thank you.  You saved me from having the same conversation with him tomorrow morning."  Roy smiled at her, hitching his thumb towards Johnny.

"Johnny if you can't get hold of me at home, I'm just starting my permanent assignment, working days out of the Carson precinct now."  Hanna told him, looking at her watch.

"Carson, no kidding, we'll probably bump into each other sometime at work.  Station 51 works the same sector."  Roy said.

"Well, it'll be my pleasure working with the two of you."  Hanna stood up from the booth.  "I'm sorry guys, I didn't realize how late it is. I really need to be heading home.  Johnny it was good seeing you again.  Stay in touch this time."   She extended her hand to him.

Johnny stood up out of the booth. "It was good seeing you too. . ."  Taking her hand, he pulled her into a hug instead.  "Hanna-banana."  He whispered to her.

She grinned at him laughing.  "I haven't been called that since you moved away.  You know you were the only one that ever called me that."

"That's because your blond hair in the pigtails used to remind me of bananas all the time."  He grinned back at her.  "Besides, I knew it bugged you."

"Yeah, it did, John Juan."  She teased, using the old nickname she used to tease him with when they were kids.

"John Juan, huh?"  Roy asked, cocking an eyebrow at Johnny.

"Oh, great Hanna, now he'll be bugging me to explain that."  Johnny laughed, releasing her from his embrace.

"If you want, I'll stay and explain it to him."  She looked at him grinning.

"No thank you.  I'm afraid of what you might tell him."

"Alright then.  I'll see you later."  She waved to them as she headed for the door.

"Good night Hanna."  Roy called after her as she left.

"So, Johnny, go ahead and explain."  Roy grinned at him as he sat back down.

Johnny blushed slightly.  "Not much to explain.  I told you she was my best friend's younger sister.  She used to try to spy on us all the time and sometimes she'd catch me and Tony making out with girls, and run around calling me John Juan,  you know like Don Juan."

Roy laughed.  "I guess I can picture the old Gage charm in action even at a young age.  Come on Junior, I'll drive you home."

"Okay, how about you drive me home in the Rover, and I'll pay for a cab to drive you back here to pick up your car?"  Johnny suggested as they headed out to the parking lot.

"I was figuring on spending the night at your place and the both of us coming back tomorrow to pick up the Land Rover."  Roy explained.

"It's okay Roy.  I don't need a babysitter tonight.  I'll be okay, I promise."  Johnny said fishing the keys out of his pocket.

"You sure?"  He asked ,taking the keys from Johnny.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

Roy unlocked the passenger door and went around to the drivers seat.  "So I take it after tonight, I won't be having to come down here to pick you up again any time soon?"

"I guess not.  I wasn't liking the way it make me feel the next day anyway."  Johnny answered.

"I hate to bring this up, but will you be easing up a little at work too?  I'm really starting to get worried about you, you've been taking on a lot of extra shifts lately."

"Yeah, I guess I have been working a lot of overtime."

"A lot?  When was your last day off?"  Roy teased.

Johnny sat thoughtful for a moment.  "You know Roy, I don't remember."

"Well I do.  Two weeks ago Thursday."

Johnny grinned.  "The last time you picked me up from The Five Alarm."

"Yup."

"Well, tell Joanne, I won't be dragging you out of bed anymore."

"She'll be glad to hear it.  Although you know we both didn't mind it."  Roy laughed.  "Except for the one time.  You kind of interrupted something."

"Tell Joanne, I'm sorry for that."  Johnny joined in laughing.

"Joanne?  You should be telling me that.  I'm the one that had to stay with you the rest of the night, and then make it though a 48 hour shift before I could go home and finish what we started."

"Ouch.  Sorry Roy.  Hey, was that the two days you snapped at everybody, and nobody could figure out why you were in such a bad mood?"

Roy nodded.  "Now you know why."

Johnny walked Roy out to the cab.  "You sure you're gong to be okay?"  Roy asked.

"Yeah, I'll be fine."  He nodded reaching in and handing the cab driver some money.  "If that's not enough, let me know and I'll pay you back."

"Okay.  Good night Johnny."  Roy hugged his friend.

"Good night Roy.  I'll call you tomorrow."

"Better yet, why don't you come by for dinner, the kids have missed seeing you, and so has Joanne."  Roy offered.

Johnny was on the verge of refusing, as he had been since recovering from the gunshot wound he'd received at Raymond's hands, when he thought twice about it.  "Alright, I'll do that.  The usual time?"

"Yup.  Six o'clock."  Roy answered.

"Okay, thanks for everything, Pally."

"Anytime, Junior."  He got in the cab and waved as the cab pulled away.

Johnny watched the cab drive off, and went in the house.  He paused for a moment, deciding whether or not to call, finally picking up the phone and dialing the number.  "Hello?"  Hanna answered cautiously.

"Hi Hanna, it's Johnny.  Were you sleeping?"

"You already know the answer to that one."  She sighed.

"I figured as much.  Listen, what are you doing tomorrow morning?"

"Not much of anything, it's my day off."  She answered.

"You still like to ride?"  He asked plopping down on the couch, the phone in his lap.

"Yeah, but I don't get many chances around here."

"Would you like to go riding tomorrow?" 

"You know of a place to ride?"  She asked.

"Yeah, mine.  I've got a ranch about a half-hour north of the city.  I've got two horses."

"No kidding?  That'd be great.  It's one of the things I really missed about Montana."

Johnny sighed.  "There's really not too much I miss about Montana."

"I know.  I still Miss Alia.  She was always so easy to baby-sit for."  Hanna told him.  "It was pretty unbelievable when she got sick.  It happened so fast, one day she was fine and the next she was in the hospital."

"Yeah."  He agreed sadly.  "And then mom going like that."

"It was a pretty awful year for you.  I always wanted to help you through it, but I was only 14. I just didn't know what to say to you."

"Probably wasn't much you could have done for me, even Grandfather couldn't pull me out of the tailspin I was in.  Thank God for Aunt Lilla."

"I still remember saying good bye to you when you left.  I just couldn't believe that you were never coming back.  You broke my heart that day, you know."  She admitted.

He chuckled.  "Yeah, I probably did.  I always knew you had a crush on me."

"What teenage girl in the entire town of Forked River didn't?"  She teased.

Johnny chuckled again.  "Yeah, I suppose you're right." 

Hanna hesitated for a moment.  "Johnny, I don't know if I should tell you this or not.  It's about your father."

"My father?"  Johnny asked stunned.  "I haven't heard from that man since I was nine years old."

"That's why I'm not sure if you wanted to know or not."  She said softly.

Johnny thought it over for a minute.  "Tell me."  He finally urged.

"Tony told me that he's had some business dealings with your father in Billings, Montana.  He's a loan officer at one of the major banks there."  Hanna told him.

"And?"  He prompted.

"And, he was wearing a wedding band."  She finished.  When Johnny remained silent for a while, she finally asked gently.  "Johnny, you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here."  He answered.

"You okay?" 

"Yeah, I guess so.  I don't know why I'm surprised to find out he remarried.  Not after the way he just dropped off the face of the earth the day he told my mom he was leaving."

"Tony said your dad acted like he didn't recognize him, and never asked about you, or your mom and sister."

"I guess that doesn't surprise me either."  He sighed sadly.  "If he didn't come around when Alia was sick, I can't imagine he worried too much about us."  He quickly shook his head and changed the subject.  "So you want to come over and ride tomorrow, or what?"

"Yeah, sure, just give me directions to your place.  What time you want to head out?"

Johnny looked at the clock.  "Well, judging by how late it is, how does 11 o'clock sound?" 

"Sounds good."  She agreed.  He gave her directions to his place.  "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow morning then."

"Yeah, okay, good night Hanna."

"Good night Johnny." 

He hung up the phone, set it on the floor next to him, and scrubbed his face with his hand.  Throwing his arm over his eyes, he fell asleep, still digesting the news Hanna told him.


                                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two weeks later on a Saturday, Hanna pulled her car into his driveway, as she reached for the door to knock, the door flew open.  She took a step back startled.  "Jeez, you could warn somebody before you do that."  She grinned.

"Sorry."  He apologized sheepishly.  "I've been watching for you to get here."

"It's okay."

"Come on in.  I was just finishing up some prep work in the kitchen for the barbecue."  He stepped aside allowing her inside.  "As soon as I'm finished we'll take the horses out.  I never like to let the kids ride them fresh, I'm always afraid that they might be a little too much for the kids."

"Tell you what, you finish up in here, and I'll saddle the horses."  She offered.

"You sure, you don't have to do that."

"I'll be fine, I can saddle a horse in my sleep."  She grinned at him.

"Okay, I'll be out as soon as I'm finished here."  He smiled gratefully at her.

Roy pulled his car into Johnny's driveway, surprised to find a strange car already parked there.  "Wonder who that is?"  He muttered to Joanne.

"Only one way to find out."  She answered.  "Roy can you grab the cooler, I want to get that food unloaded in the fridge as soon as possible."

"Sure sweetie."  He smiled at his wife as he headed to the back of the car.

"Mom, can we go see the horses?"  Eight year old Chris asked.

"Roy?"  She asked looking at him.

"Yes, but you stay back until Uncle Johnny says it's safe."  Roy warned them, pointing a finger at them.

"We know daddy. Uncle Johnny taught us that before he'd let us sit on them to ride."  Six year old Jennifer told her dad as she and her brother took off running for the barn.

Roy and Joanne smiled watching their children head to the barn.  "I almost didn't think we'd see that again."  Joanne said seriously.

"I know, I was beginning to wonder about that myself."  Roy agreed carrying the cooler to Johnny's back door.  "Hon, can you get the door?"

"Sure."  She held the door open for him as they stepped inside the kitchen.

"Uncle Johnny!"  Jennifer shouted, racing to her uncle, who was sitting on a haybale talking to Hanna.

"Hey princess."  Johnny opened his arms as Jennifer ran to him.

"Has Windspirit missed me?"

"You bet!  She was just asking when her best friend was coming to see her again."  He hugged her.  "Chris, Jennifer, I want you to meet an old friend of mine, Hanna."  He pointed to her.

"Hi Hanna."  Both children greeted her politely.

"Hi Chris, Jennifer." 

"Guess what, since Hanna's here today, you guys don't have to take turns for me to lead you around.  Hanna knows just about as much about horses as I do."

"Cool."  Chris commented excitedly.  "Can we ride now?"

"Sure, Hanna and I already settled them down for you.  They're all ready."  He stood up swinging Jennifer up on his shoulders.

"Uncle Johnny, can Hanna lead me and Windspirit?"  Jennifer asked.

"If you want, why?"  Johnny replied setting Jennifer on Windspirit's back.

"Cuz, this is the girl's horse, and that's the boy's horse."  Jennifer pointed to Thunderhead.

Johnny laughed.  "Okay, I guess that makes sense."  He looked over at Hanna.  "You mind?"

"No, that's fine Johnny, like she said, this is the girl's horse."

Johnny and Hanna had led the horses twice around the corral when Roy and Joanne made their way over to the fence.  "Hi Roy."  Hanna waved to him.

"Hi Hanna."  He waved back surprised to see her.

"You know her?"  Joanne asked him.

"Yeah, remember the last time I picked up Johnny from The Five Alarm?  I told you Johnny met up with an old friend of his."  He reminded her.

"Oh, yeah, that's right."  She nodded her head.

They all sat around the picnic table eating, and chatted, getting to know Hanna better.  When Johnny was finally full, he pushed his plate away and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table.  "Roy, I was thinking. . ."

"Uh-oh,"  Roy teased grinning at his friend.

"Ha-ha, very funny.  I want to take the kids overnight, so you and Joanne can celebrate your anniversary next month.  I owe you guys, for pulling Roy away in the middle of the night a lot lately."

"Are you sure you can handle them alone?"  Joanne asked.

"He won't be alone, I was going to help him.  We were talking about riding the kids up to the lake for a picnic."  Hanna explained.

"Can we mommy, please?"  Jennifer begged excitedly, bouncing in her seat.

"Yeah, please mom?"  Chris added.

"No fair, using my kids against me."  Joanne laughed.  "But for a night alone with Roy, what the heck!"

"Yea!"  The kids cheered.

Roy smiled.  "Thanks Johnny."

Johnny got up and walked over to him, leaning into his ear, he whispered.  "I felt like I really owed you after you told me about interrupting you."

Roy burst out laughing.  "Yeah, okay, I guess we'll call it even then."

"Good."  Johnny joined in laughing.


                                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Roy and Joanne dropped the kids off at Johnny's before heading out for their romantic overnight.  "Don't worry about anything, Hanna and I can handle it."  Johnny called after them waving.

"We'll be back to get them tomorrow afternoon."  Joanne called back.  "Chris, Jennifer, you be good and listen to your Uncle Johnny and Hanna."

"We will mom."  The children called back, waving to their parents.

After the car pulled away,  Johnny looked at the kids.  "Well, are you two ready to go on a picnic, or what?"

"What about our stuff, don't we have to put it away upstairs?"  Chris asked.

"Nah, we'll get it later."  Johnny shook his head.  "Come on, we're wasting daylight."  He ruffled Chris' hair and swung Jennifer up on his shoulders.  They walked to the corral.  "Chris stay right here by the gate while I get Jennifer settled in with Hanna."

"Okay Uncle Johnny."  He obeyed, stopping at the gate.  Hanna swung up in the saddle, and Johnny handed Jennifer up to her.

"Okay Chris, come on, your turn.  Can you stand up on the fence for me?"

"Sure , Uncle Johnny."  He climbed the fence and waited as Johnny mounted Thunderhead, and led the horse over to where he was perched.  Johnny pulled him up in the saddle in front of him.  "Alright, here we go."  Johnny leaned over and opened the corral gate.  They walked the horses side by side as they headed to the lake.  When they reached their destination, Johnny handed Chris down before swinging down.  He helped Jennifer down as Hanna dismounted.  He led the horses to the lake to drink and Hanna unpacked the picnic lunch.  After staking down the horses, he returned to sit down and eat.

"Uncle Johnny, can we have another horseback picnic like this one?"  Chris asked.

"Yeah, Uncle Johnny, this is fun."  Jennifer agreed.

"Well, I think you'd better ask Hanna.  We couldn't have come out here today without her help."  Johnny answered.

"Please Hanna?"  Chris begged.

"We'll even call you Aunt Hanna if you do."  Jennifer said seriously.

Hanna laughed.  "Well, with an offer like that, how can I refuse?"

"Cool."  Chris smiled.

"I like you Aunt Hanna, you remind me of Aunt Kaycee."  Jennifer gushed.  "She was a lot of fun too."

Hanna glanced over at Johnny and caught the brief look of sadness that flashed through his eyes before it was replaced by a look of pride as he remembered Kaycee.  "Yeah, she sure knew how to make an ordinary day fun."

"Remember how when I was sick, you and Aunt Kaycee came over and she read me that book?"  Jennifer asked.

"Yeah, and I remember each time she got to the end of a chapter, you begged her to read another."

"Yup, she sat there and read the whole book to me."  Jennifer nodded.  "I miss her."

"Me too, sweetheart."  Johnny pulled her into a hug.

"Can we look at her star tonight?"  She asked.

"I think she'd like that.  Then she can look down and see us all having so much fun, it'll make her happy."  He answered.

"Aunt Hanna, have you seen Aunt Kaycee's star yet?"

"No, your Uncle Johnny hasn't shown it to me yet."

"Can I show her?"  Jennifer asked him.

"Sure, do you remember which one it is?  It's been a while since you and I looked for it?"  He asked.

"Yeah, me and mommy used to look at it when mommy said you were too sad to come over."  She replied.

"I'm sorry about that princess, but I'm trying hard not to be so sad anymore."

"Good! I missed you too Uncle Johnny."  She hugged her uncle again.

After lunch, Chris and Jennifer waded in the water playing, as Johnny and Hanna sat back in the shade watching them.  They sat in silence for a while before Hanna broke it.  "You okay?"

"Yeah, seems like it gets a little easier the more I face things."  He answered looking at her.

"Johnny, have you ever considered going back to Montana, and dealing with some of that too?"

He looked away, watching the kids play.  "Sometimes."  He admitted.  "But I just can't seem to get up the nerve to go."

"It might make things easier for you if you do."  She said softly.

"Maybe."  He agreed thoughtfully.  "Might make it easier on you if you told me about Eric. I already told you about Kaycee."

It was her turn to look away. She debated with herself about telling him, and finally began.  "I met Eric when I first moved to San Francisco.  He was stationed there.  We fell in love hard and fast.  Got married in less than four months after we met.  I was devastated when I saw the military car pull up in the driveway. I don't know how, but I already knew he was gone.  My only regret is that we never had any children."

"Yeah, me too.  Although I'm not too sure what kind of a dad I'd make."  He sighed.

"You'd do fine.  I see how you are with Roy's kids."  She reassured him.

"Guess I have my doubts after the example my dad was for me." 

"It's not inherited Johnny, you'd be the kind of dad you wanted to be."  She smiled at him.

"Maybe you're right, but I won't get the chance anyway, so I guess I don't have to worry about that."

"So you're never going to marry again?"

He hung his head staring at his hands in his lap.  "I promised Kaycee that I would, but I just don't think I can do it.  What about you?"

"I don't know, haven't considered it yet.  One lucky thing for you, is you had the chance to talk to Kaycee about it, and say good bye to her.  I didn't get that chance with Eric.  I don't know how he'd feel about me remarrying someday."

"I can't imagine that he'd want you to stay alone forever."  He said gently, looking at her.  "Not if he loved you as deeply as you say he did."

"So if the situation were reversed and you were dying, instead of Kaycee, you'd have told her to remarry someday?"  She asked.

Johnny thought about it for a minute.  "Yeah, I think I would have." He looked away, overcome by the raw emotions he and Hanna were talking over.  "I guess we'd better head in, the sun'll be going down soon."  He changed the subject, jumping up from the blanket they sat on.

She glanced at the sun.  "You're right.  Round up the kids, and I'll get the horses."

"Okay, "  He stood up and headed for the lake.


                                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Mommy, mommy!"  Jennifer shouted as the DeSoto's car pulled to a stop in Johnny's driveway.

"Hi sweetie."  Joanne called and waved to her daughter on the porch as she got out of the car. 

Jennifer ran to her mother, Joanne stooped over to catch the flying six year old as she dove into her arms.  She swung her daughter up on her hip as she walked to the porch, Jennifer chattering in her ear the whole way.  "Mommy, we had lots of fun.  We went on a horseback picnic, and we had a campout in the living room, and we made s'mores and told ghost stories, and guess what?  Aunt Hanna said she'll help Uncle Johnny take us on another horseback picnic sometime!"

"Sounds like you had a busy day yesterday."  Joanne commented as she joined the others on the porch  "So tell me, honestly.  How were they?"  she asked Johnny and Hanna.

"They were great.  They listened to everything we told them.  Even brushed their teeth without complaining."  Johnny answered.

"How'd you manage that one, they always put up a fight for me?"

"Well, Hanna told them that she wouldn't teach them her secret recipe for s'mores unless they promised to brush their teeth afterwards."  He explained.

"So what's the secret recipe?"  Joanne asked her.

"Chocolate cake frosting.  You don't have to worry about melting the chocolate with the marshmallows then."

"I'd have never thought of that.  I'll have to remember that."  She smiled at Hanna.  "Kids, why don't you head inside and pack your stuff, and take it out to the trunk.  I'm sure your uncle has other things he'd like to do today before he has to go back to work tomorrow."

"Okay mom."  Chris agreed as he and his sister headed into the house.

"Looks like you two had everything well in hand."  Roy commented.

"Why?  Were you worried?"  Johnny grinned at his partner.

"Nope, like I keep telling Joanne.  When one of you guys from the station watches the kids, if I can trust you guys with my life, I can surely trust you with my kids, I just don't know if I can trust my kids with you."  He grinned back.

The adults laughed and joked back and forth until the trunk was packed and the kids were ready to go.  After a round of hugs for Hanna and Johnny, the kids headed into the car.  "Good bye Hanna, Johnny, thanks again."  Joanne hugged both of them.

"Anytime Joanne, they're great kids."  Hanna replied.

"Yeah, don't think I don't count my blessings every day for them."  She agreed.


                                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Hey Pally."  Johnny's voice broke through Roy's thoughts as he pushed the door to the locker room open.

"Hey yourself." Roy answered, grinning at his partner.

"Got some good news for you.  Phillip told me yesterday that Brice is replacing Frank for the next two weeks at station 110.  So you won't have to worry about him replacing me while I'm on vacation."

"Yeah, that is good news."  Roy opened up his locker.  "You finally decide where you're going?"

"Yeah."  Johnny frowned slightly.  "I've known where I'm going ever since I put in my vacation request."

Roy was a little stunned to find out that Johnny had kept a secret from him.  "And you didn't tell me?"

Johnny sat down in his locker and pulled his feet up on the bench.  "Roy, Hanna and I are going back to Montana."

"Montana?  I thought you said your family's all gone there?"  Roy asked, puzzled.

"Listen Roy, I know there're a lot of things you don't know about me, and my past in Montana. . ."  He started nervously.

Roy picked up on his nervousness, and pushed his own feelings aside.  "When the time's right, you'll tell me." 

"Thanks, I'm glad you understand."  he smiled cautiously.

"Not completely, but I'm willing to wait until you're ready."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome Johnny.  Have a good vacation, we can always talk when you get back."

"You got yourself a deal."  He flashed him a smile, before leaving Roy to finish changing his clothes.

Just before shift change, the next morning, Hanna walked into the kitchen.  "Hi guys."

"Hey Hanna."  They greeted, recognizing the CHP officer they worked with from time to time.

"Johnny, I stopped by your place and picked up your bags.  We're all set to head to the airport as soon as you get out of here."  She said as Johnny handed her a cup of coffee.

"Good, I just hope we don't get a last minute run, otherwise we'll miss our plane."  Johnny worried.

"Relax, Johnny, give me five minutes and I'll cover for you if the squad gets called out."  Charlie called from the doorway.

"Thanks Dwyer, I owe you one."  Johnny called after him.

"Now that that's settled, I guess we just sit back and watch the clock"  Hanna joked. Grinning, she sat back and propped her feet up on another chair, lacing her fingers behind her head.

The guys laughed.  "You two have a good time."  Hank said.

"Yeah."  Chet agreed.  "Wherever you're going.  Why the big mystery, anyway?"

"Maybe he's afraid the Phantom will follow him on his vacation."  Marco suggested, laughing.

"He's got you there, Chet."  Mike grinned.

"Roy, you know where they're going?"  Chet asked.

"Haven't a clue, Chester B. and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."  Roy lied, winking at Johnny.



Johnny and Hanna stepped off the plane. It took only moments for Johnny to recognize the best friend he hadn't see in twelve years.  "Tony."  He pulled him into a manly hug.

"Johnny,  I couldn't believe it when Hanna called me and said she ran into you in LA." 

Johnny released his friend.  "It's been a long time."

"Too long."  Tony agreed, hugging his sister and giving her a kiss on the cheek.  "How've you been?"  He asked her.

"I'm doing okay."  Hanna nodded. 

"Well, come on.  Rachel's got lunch waiting on us."  He said, steering them towards the baggage claim.

"So you finally got Rachel Montgomery to notice you!"  Johnny teased.

"Yeah, isn't that something!  Just when I gave up on ever getting a date with her, she goes and asks me out."  Tony grinned.

"Stranger things have happened."  Johnny laughed.

Rachel greeted Johnny with the same zeal when they arrived back at the Beumont ranch.  "Johnny Gage, why'd you keep yourself hidden all this time.  We missed you."  She smiled at him, giving him a warm hug.

"So Tony didn't have to worry about me stealing you away from him."  He joked, grinning at Tony.

"Ha, she'd never give you a second look."  Tony grinned back at him.

"Oh yeah, I seem to remember, she gave me a few looks in school..." 

Rachel wrapped her arm around her husband.  "Come on guys, that's ancient history.  So Johnny and I went together in the sixth grade.  Big deal."

"It was a big deal and I was jealous of him for that."  Tony squeezed his wife, laughing.

"Yeah, didn't he ever tell you that you were almost the reason for breaking up our friendship?"  Johnny chuckled.

"No, he never told me that.  Glad it didn't, though.  Tony, put Johnny's things in Steven's bedroom, and Hanna, you'll be staying in Kerry's room.   I'll get lunch on the table in about ten minutes."  She excused herself, going back in the kitchen.

"I'll go help her."  Hanna said, following Rachel to the kitchen.

Tony picked up Hanna's bags.  Johnny reached for his own and followed Tony upstairs.  "God, it's funny; we haven't seen each other in a long time, but it's like I just saw you yesterday."  Tony commented dropping Hanna's bags on Kerry's bed.

"You're right.  Sorry about losing touch with you."  Johnny apologized.

"It happens. The important thing is that we got a chance to see each other again."  Tony smiled at him, leading him to Steven's room.

They sat down to eat lunch.  "So Johnny, where have you been all this time?"  Rachel asked.

"Hanna didn't tell you?"  He replied, putting a sandwich together on his plate.

"She didn't tell us much, said that you're living in LA and you're a paramedic."  Tony answered.

"Yeah, actually, I'm a firefighter-paramedic.  I do both jobs."  Johnny explained, pouring himself a glass of milk.

"How'd you get in that line of work? The last I heard, you wanted to ride rodeo."  Tony asked.

"Well, after I left Montana, I moved to LA with Aunt Lilla.  Just goofed around for a while.  Took some dead end jobs just to get some money.  One day, on my way into work, I saw a pretty bad traffic accident happen right in front of me.  So I jumped out of my car to try to help.  Wasn't much I could do as they were pinned in their cars pretty tight.  So, I just stayed with them and tried to comfort them, until the fire department arrived.  I was fascinated watching as they pulled the cars apart to get the people out.  I couldn't get it out of my mind, so I took the civil servant's exam and joined the fire department.  I liked being a hose jockey, but I really wanted to help people more than just fighting fires.  So I trained as a rescue man.  I liked doing that job a lot better.  One day, my Captain came up to me and asked me if I'd be interested in the paramedics program.  I didn't know too much about it so I met with one of the paramedics to find out what it was really all about.  That's when I met Roy.  He talked me into signing up, and we hit it off while I was in the training program.  So when I graduated, he asked me if I wanted to be his partner.  We've been working together ever since."

"So you're really happy there?"  Rachel asked.

Johnny looked down sadly at his plate.  "I was."

"Hanna told us you got married and lost your wife about a year ago."

"A year ago next Thursday."  He answered.  "I met her at the station.  She was one of the first female firefighters in LA.  One of my buddies at work got hurt pretty bad at a fire.  She was his replacement while he was out.  We got to be pretty close friends, and finally fell for each other.  I married her, already knowing she was dying."

"I'm sorry Johnny.  Wish we could have been there for you."  Tony said sincerely.

"I know, but the important thing is that we're all together now."  He smiled at his friend.

"How'd you and Hanna bump into each other anyway?"  Rachel asked.

Hanna grinned.  "We met when he was about to swing a pool stick at my head."

Johnny chuckled.  "It wasn't one of my better nights." 

"You could say that.  Johnny here tied one on at a bar I sometimes stopped into after work.  Being a CHP officer, I saw a crowd of gawkers I couldn't resist trying to help out.  You should have seen the look on my face, when the bartender told me the main attraction's name was John Gage.  I thought it couldn't be the John Gage I knew from Montana, but imagine my surprise when I got the crowd dispersed and there he is, leaning against the pool table, ready to strike out at anyone with the pool stick."  She explained.

"I didn't even recognize her at first.  Last time I saw her, she was still good old Hanna-Banana, you know."  He grinned at her.

"He finally realized who I was when I mentioned you, Tony."  Hanna grinned back at Johnny.

"Looks like you two have hit it off pretty good too."  Rachel observed.

"Yeah, I guess so."  Hanna shot Johnny a nervous look, he missed because he was looking at Rachel.  "We've been talking a lot to each other, trying to work things through.  He understands what I'm feeling a lot."

"Yeah, Hanna's been there for me, helping me deal with everything that's happened.  She's the one that suggested I come back here to Montana, and see everybody again."  Johnny glanced nervously at her, quickly looking away when Hanna turned to look at him again.  Rachel caught the looks exchanged, but said nothing.

"Well, I'm glad she was able to talk you into it."  Tony smiled at his friend.  "Don't stay away so long next time."  He grinned, pointing an accusing finger at him.

"I won't, I promise. Maybe next time, I'll bring Roy out here to meet you all.  You'll like him."

"I'm sure we will."  Rachel agreed.


                                                             ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Johnny and Hanna sat in Tony's truck watching the father and teenage son playing basketball across the street.  As they played, the sounds of their laughter and joking voices floated in the truck.  "Is that him?"  Hanna asked.

"Yeah.  He looks older than I remember, but I was only nine the last time I saw him."  He confirmed nodding.

"You want me to go with you?"

"No, I need to do this alone."  He answered pushing the truck door open.  "Well, here goes nothing."  He muttered, stepping out of the truck and taking a deep breath.  "Come on, you waltz into burning buildings on a daily basis, surely you can cross a street and talk to a man."  He told himself as he began walking towards the duo.  "Mr. Gage?"  He asked as he stopped halfway down the driveway.

"Yeah."  The man answered turning towards the voice.  Seeing the younger man with Indian features in front of him, the smile faded from his face.  "Josh, I think it's time to head in and wash up for lunch."

"Yeah, okay dad."  Josh agreed heading toward the house, wondering who the man in the driveway was.

The two men watched the boy enter the house and heard the door shut.  "What are you doing here?"  The man asked.

"I came to see my father."  Johnny answered calmly.  "I see I have a half-brother."

"Yes."  He answered shortly.

"Look, I didn't come here to cause any trouble.  You don't have to tell them who I am."  Johnny said looking down.  "How many brothers or sisters do I have, anyway?"

"Two brothers and a sister.  Josh,16, is the oldest.  Chad's 14 and Amanda's 11."

Johnny nodded and looked up at his father.   "I heard you remarried."

He nodded, nervously wringing his hands.  "She doesn't know about my first marriage.  My parents had it annulled you know."

"No, I didn't know.  Mom never told me."

"How is your mother, and your sister?"

"You didn't keep track of us?"  Johnny asked surprised.

"No. I knew you moved back on the reservation after the divorce, but your mother said that if I couldn't show pride for you two as my children, she didn't want me to contact you."

"I know you were under a lot of pressure from your folks when it came to Alia and I.  Just so you know mom never talked bad about you.  She just always said you weren't strong enough to stay in an interracial marriage. She never remarried."

"I didn't know."  He looked off in the distance thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you this, but Alia died 12 years ago, Leukemia.  Mom died shortly after that."

"I'm sorry.  You must have been about 17 or 18 then?"

"Yeah, 17 and I went to live with Aunt Lilla after that."

"You mom's aunt in LA.?"

"Yeah.  I live there now.  I have a ranch about a half hour north of there.  I'm an LA County firefighter-paramedic."

"Sounds like dangerous work."  He commented.

"It's not the safest way to make a living, but I love it.  It's where I met my wife."

"You're married?  Any children?"

"No, I lost my wife almost a year ago.  She died of kidney failure."  He answered his voice cracking.

"I'm sorry."  His father said nervously looking around.

"Look, like I said, I didn't come to cause any trouble, I just wanted to see you and show you how I turned out.  If you're ever in LA, look me up.  I work out of fire station 51, in Carson.  If I'm not there, somebody there will know how to contact me."  Johnny extended his hand to the older man.  "Good bye, dad."

"Good bye, John.  Just so you know, my wife wanted to name Josh, John, but I talked her out of it.  I didn't think it was right, since I knew I already had a son named John."  He shook his hand.

Johnny nodded.  "I meant what I said, if you ever make it to LA. . . "  His voice trailed off.

"Yeah, I might do that."  He answered without a commitment.

"Okay, good bye."

"Bye."

Johnny walked to the truck and got in, and drove off, his father still standing in the driveway watching the truck disappear around the corner.  "Rick?"  A woman called from the door.  Getting no response, she tried again.  "Roderick Gage, didn't you hear me call you for lunch?"

"Sorry, I'm coming."  He called back, still staring thoughtfully after the long-gone truck.


                                                                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Rachel sat down with her husband after they'd seen Johnny and Hanna off on their way to meet with Johnny's father.  "Tony, Johnny and your sister seem like they're really close friends." 

"Yeah, it's probably a good thing for both of them.  At least they've got someone who knows what they're going through."  Tony answered thoughtfully.

"Did you catch the looks they were shooting towards each other, when they talked about the reasons they get along so well?"

"What do you mean?"  Tony asked.

"Well, as soon as they started talking about their relationship with each other, they both got nervous about it."

"I guess I wouldn't be too surprised if they're starting to have some deeper feelings about each other.  From what Hanna's told me, she's been spending a lot of time out at Johnny's ranch since they met at the bar, almost six months ago."

Rachel agreed nodding.  "Maybe they just need a gentle nudge in the right direction."

"Maybe you should leave well enough alone."  Tony said gently.

"Why, you wouldn't like to see your sister settle down again with Johnny?"

"I think if it's going to happen, it needs to happen naturally and without any interference from us." 

Rachel smiled at her husband.  "We won't interfere, just have a little talk with Johnny for me, please?"  She requested, moving over to sit in her husband's lap.

"I don't know Rachel, I'm not too good at those kinds of things."  He answered doubtfully.

"Just give him a reminder that it's okay for him to like somebody else." 

"You planning on talking to Hanna?" 

"Yeah, I'll do the same thing.  What they do about it after that, is up to them."  She explained.

"I guess it couldn't hurt to make a suggestion."  He smiled at his wife.


                                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Johnny reined the horse to a stop near the fencepost.  "Tony, you got another board down over here."  He called across the field.

"You need any help with it?"  Tony called back.

"You got any more nails?"

"Yeah, hang on, I'll be right there."  He answered. He finished nailing in the fenceboard he was working to secure and mounted his horse setting off at a run across the field.

Johnny was already off his horse, and pulling the old nails out of the board when Tony reined in his horse.  He swung down and handed Johnny the small paper sack with nails in it.  "Thanks for helping me out today.  I wasn't planning on putting you to work on your vacation."

Johnny grinned at him, holding a few nails between his lips.  "It's alright, I don't call this work, I just call it a day out in the sunshine."  He mumbled around the nails.

Tony knew this would probably be his only chance to talk with Johnny about his sister.  He searched his mind for some way to begin the conversation.  "I'm glad Hanna's got you living close by her now.  I was pretty worried about her after Eric died.  I tried to convince her to move back here, but she didn't want to give up the Highway Patrol."

"We spend a lot of time helping each other out when things get bad."  Johnny moved the board back into position.  "Can you get that for me?"

"Yeah, sure."  Tony helped level the board as Johnny drove the nails in.  "What do you mean when things get bad?"

Johnny finished nailing in his side, and leaned against the post waiting for Tony to secure his side.  "I guess I mean, some days are harder than others.  Sometimes I can make it through the whole day and not feel as if the world's ending.  Other days I'm not so lucky, I'll see something, or hear something, and all I do is flashback to something Kaycee and I did together, and the heartbreak comes back.  Hanna understands that, and gets me through it.  Just like I do for her, when she's having a bad time." 

Tony leaned back on the fence.  "Must be pretty lonely, sometimes."

"Yeah, that's when I usually call up Hanna and we get together to do something."

"You ever think about finding someone again?"  He asked.

"What, you mean like falling in love again?"  Johnny asked, playing nervously with the hammer in his hands.

"Yeah, I guess that's what I mean."  Tony nodded at him.

"Kaycee made me promise I'd do that before she died.  I don't think I'm ready to play the single dating game again."  He looked at Tony.  "Can you imagine, John Juan, nervous at the thought of asking out some girl?"  He said grinning slightly, trying to lighten the conversation.

"Well, you don't have to ask a stranger out, why not ask a friend out.  There'd be less pressure on you and you wouldn't feel like you have to impress them.  You could just be yourself."  Tony explained gently.

Johnny grinned at him.  "Tony, are you trying to set me up with your sister?"  He asked half-jokingly.

Tony looked him straight in the eye.  "Would that be such a bad thing?"

Johnny shuffled the hammer back and forth between his hands thinking.  "I don't think it'd be such a bad thing."  He admitted.  "If it weren't for the fact that if she turned me down, I'd have a hard time being around her, and I think she depends on me as much as I depend on her right now to get through the rough patches."

"So it boils down to, you're afraid of losing your friendship if you try to take the next step."

Johnny sighed.  "Look Tony, I like her a lot, as a friend. I just don't think I'm ready to try taking things any further.  Besides, I don't think she feels that way about me, and even if she did, I don't think she's ready either."

"Maybe you should talk to her about it sometime, just find out what she really feels."  He suggested.

"I don't know, maybe."  Johnny ran his hand through his hair.

Tony recognized his old friend's nervous habit, and picked up on his discomfort with the conversation.  He patted Johnny on the shoulder.  "Just think about it.  Come on.  One more fenceline to check and then we can call it a day, and do some fishing."

"Yeah, okay."  Johnny answered distractedly, mounting his horse and following his friend to the next fenceline.


                                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Rachel set down another flat of flowers near Hanna.  "Whew, this is the last one, and I'm done for this year."  She knelt down next to her, as the two finished planting the flowerbed in front of the house.

Hanna grinned at her.  "Why don't you think about putting in some flowers that come up year after year, and then you wouldn't have to do this every year."

"I think I'd get too sick and tired of seeing the same thing coming up year after year.  It's better this way. I can change the flowers whenever the mood strikes me."  Rachel explained.  "So, tell me, how are things really going for you?"

"What makes you think I didn't tell my brother the truth about how things are going?"  She asked glancing away.

"Call it women's intuition, but I get the feeling your holding something back from him."  Rachel said gently.

Hanna sighed.  "I don't want to give him any reasons to try to convince me to move back to Montana."  She admitted.

"So things aren't as wonderful as you say." 

"It's not all that bad.  It's just hard sometimes, that's all.  Especially on anniversary dates.  Like the date we met, our first date, first kiss.  Those days, it's just rougher to get through that's all."

"I can imagine, you and Eric were very much in love."  Rachel reached over and squeezed Hanna's arm.

"Yeah, we were.  You know there's still some times, that I wake up, and I don't remember he's gone for a moment, and then it crashes in on me, and it hurts as much as the day it happened."

"How do you get through it?" 

Hanna smiled sadly.  "Lately, I call Johnny and talk to him.  He usually helps me find some inner peace again."

"Seems like you two are good for each other.  Seeing each other through the bad days."

"Yeah, I guess he relies on me as much as I do on him.  You know, some nights, he calls me from the station in the dead of night, because he can't sleep, and he doesn't want to wake the other guys up.  Sometimes we talk until dawn, or until he gets a run."

"Hanna, don't take this the wrong way, but you care about him, don't you."  Rachel sat back on her heels studying her.

Hanna sat back also from the flowers she was planting.  "I care about him, he's my friend."

"That's not what I meant." 

"I know what you meant.  It's just that whenever I let myself start to feel that way about him, I start feeling so guilty, like I were cheating on Eric.  Besides, I can't help remembering I had a school girl crush on him once, and maybe what I'm feeling is just that old crush resurfacing.  I really don't think he thinks any more about me than as good, old Hanna-Banana, you know.  The tag-along little sister of his best friend."

"Neither one of you are kids anymore, and I think you're a little old to be feeling a school girl crush.  I guess what I'm saying is, why not talk to him about it sometime?"

"Talk to him about it?  How am I supposed to talk to him about it, when I don't even understand it myself."  Hanna asked sighing.  "And if he laughs at me, then what am I supposed to do.  It'd be pretty hard to be around him after that, and right now, I think I'm just not ready to face the hard days without him."

"Telling him you care about him might not ruin your friendship, it might enhance it."  Rachel smiled at her sister-in-law.

"I don't know if I'm ready to take that chance."  She whispered, feeling tears forming in her eyes.  "I'll be right back, I want to grab my sunglasses.  This sun's too bright."  She lied, getting up.

"Hanna, just think about it."  Rachel called after her.  Hanna nodded before entering the house.


                                                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Johnny tossed and turned that night, trying to fall asleep.  He's mind wouldn't allow him to rest, as it churned the conversation he'd had with Tony around.  Not wanting to wake Steven, he got up and crept downstairs.  "Maybe some fresh air will help."  He thought, quietly opening, and then pulling the door closed behind him.  He stopped in his tracks, when he saw Hanna.  She was sitting on the porch swing, her back against the armrest.  "Can't sleep?"  He asked, picking up her legs and sliding under them to sit on the swing, once seated, he laid her legs in his lap.

"Nope.  Thought some fresh air might help."

"Me too."  He agreed.  He leaned back against the swing and looked out at the stars.  "You forget how many stars you can't see in the city."

"Yeah."  She replied, looking at him.

"So what are you thinking about?"  Johnny asked, returning her gaze.

"Honestly?"

"Yeah, honestly."  He answered softly.

"You and me."  She admitted looking away at the sky again.

"What about us?" 

"I was just thinking about the mess I'd probably still be if we hadn't found each other when we did."

"We've pulled each other through some rough days." 

"Yeah."  She agreed nodding.  "You've always been there for me, ever since that first night we met again at the bar.  I guess I was just trying to figure out why.  Why you've stuck with me all this time."

"Why?  That's a tough question."  He commented, skywatching again, trying to form a reply.  He turned to look at her again.  "If you really want to know why, I'll tell you, but promise me, you won't hold it against me."  He said nervously.

"You've got my word of honor."  She crossed her heart. 

He grinned at the gesture, and then turned serious again.  "I care about you Hanna.  You mean a lot to me."

"I understand that Johnny.  We're old friends, of course we care about each other."

"No, I mean I really care about you, and not just only as friends either."  He looked back at the sky, afraid to see the rejection in her eyes.

She took him by surprise when she said.  "I care about you too, Johnny."

He looked in her eyes.  "You mean that?"

"Yeah, I do."  She admitted smiling nervously at him.  "Are you as nervous about this as I am?"

"This does feel pretty awkward.  I never thought I'd be feel this way again about anyone."

She nodded.  "I know, I didn't either."

"So what do we do about it?"  He whispered.

"I'm not sure.  Take it day by day and see what develops?"  She suggested.

"That seems like a good idea.  Just one thing, let's promise to always be honest with each other.  If one of us isn't comfortable with how things are going, let's not lead the other one on.  I think it'd be better to admit how we really feel than to go on pretending to spare the other one's feelings."

"Yeah, I think your right."  Hanna agreed.

Johnny took a deep breath, and slid out from under her legs.  "Scoot over a bit."  He asked, walking to the other side of the swing.  She moved off the armrest and Johnny sat down behind her.  He put his arms around her, pulling her head against his chest.  He gently rocked the swing with his foot, as they continued watching the stars together, adjusting to the change in their relationship.

Tony woke up early the next morning to start his morning chores before breakfast.  Closing the door quietly, not wanting to wake his family, he noticed Johnny and Hanna on the swing.  They had fallen asleep there with her head resting on his chest and his head leaned back against the swing with his arms around her.  He smiled at his best friend and sister and left without disturbing them.

Johnny was the first to wake up, hearing the sounds of the farm coming alive in the morning.  He opened his eyes and looked down at Hanna in his arms.  "I haven't felt this at peace in a while." He thought.  He gently nudged her.  "Hanna."  He said softly.

Hanna opened her eyes to see Johnny smiling down at her.  "Morning."  She whispered, smiling back at him.  "You sleep okay like that?"

"Yeah, fine, you?"

"Haven't been this comfortable in a long time."  She answered honestly.

"Me too."  He admitted.  "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." 

"Can I kiss you?"  He whispered softly, looking deep in her eyes.  She looked at him for a moment and slowly nodded her head yes.  He leaned over her and kissed her tenderly.


                                                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Roy sat in his chair reading a book, when he heard the knock on the door.  He got up and answered it. Opening the door, he found Johnny there.  "Hey Johnny, when did you get back?"

"This morning.  Mind if I come in?"

"Yeah, sure, come on in."  Roy stepped aside, and closed the door after Johnny had entered.  "Want a beer or something?"  He offered.

"Yeah sure, a beer sounds good."  Johnny agreed.

"Okay, I'll be right back."  Roy went in the kitchen retrieving two beers from the fridge.  He handed one to Johnny on his way back to his chair.  "So how'd your vacation go?"

"That's what I came to talk to you about."  Johnny admitted, opening the beer and taking a sip.

"Okay."  Roy settled back in his chair sipping his beer, waiting for Johnny to talk.

"There's a lot I have to tell you."  Johnny leaned forward on the couch, his arms resting on his knees.  "I guess the best place is to start at the beginning.  I don't know why I never told you, whatever the reasons were, they're not important anymore. You know I had a family once."

"I didn't think you were hatched from an egg, Junior."  Roy teased gently.

Johnny chuckled for a moment before beginning.  "My parents eloped when they were 16.  My mom was already pregnant with me.  My father's family never accepted my mother.  See, my father was white and my mother Lakota Indian.  Back then, interracial marriages weren't as common as they are today.  They stuck it out for just over 8 years, until just after my baby sister Alia was born."

"I never knew he had a sister."  Roy thought shocked.  "What else has he kept hidden about his past?"

"My dad just couldn't take the pressure his family was putting on him to leave, and divorce my mom.  He just up and left one day. My mom was served with divorce papers a few days later.  We moved back on the reservation to live with my grandfather on his farm, when I was nine.  I guess I had a pretty typical childhood after that.  That's when I met Tony, Hanna's brother.  He and I were best friends from then on.  We did everything together.  My junior year in high school is when my world fell apart.   

My mom and sister and I were very close.  There was eight years difference in age between me and Alia, so as the man of the family, I kind of felt like both her brother, and father figure.  When she'd just turned 8, she suddenly got sick, and we rushed her to the hospital.  A few days later, we found out she had leukemia.  She died three weeks before her ninth birthday.  I was devastated, but my mother was far worse off than me."  He paused to allow himself to pull his emotions back under control.

"She just gave up the will to live, I guess.  We found her, one morning about six months after Alia died.  She'd died in her sleep."  He swallowed hard, and continued.  "I fell into a pretty deep depression.  Grandfather tried to help me through it, but I'd just lost the two people I was closest to in less than a year.  I barely made it through school to graduate.  Grandfather came to me about a week after I graduated, and told me he wrote to my Aunt Lilla here in Los Angeles, and she agreed to let me come live with her if I wanted.  He said he'd always love me, but he knew I needed a change of scene to pull myself together."  Johnny leaned back against the couch, emotionally spent.

Roy sat absorbing his story.  "What ever happened to your father?"  He asked finally.

Johnny took another sip of beer and sighed.  "That's part of the reason I went back to Montana.  I saw him."

"How'd it go?"

"He was surprised to see me.  He's remarried.  I've got two half-brothers and a half-sister."

"Did you get a chance to meet them?"

Johnny shook his head no.  "My grandparents annulled my parents marriage.  He never told them about us.  They don't know that I exist.  He didn't even know that Alia and mom passed away."

"God, Johnny, I'm sorry.  I had no idea."  Roy offered sincerely.

Johnny smiled briefly.  "I know, look, I probably should have told you this a long time ago."

"It's okay Johnny, you're telling me now." 

"Yeah, there's something I need to ask you."

"Okay."

"How do you think people would feel if I started seeing someone?"  Johnny asked nervously.

Roy thought for a minute.  He wanted to make sure to word his answer correctly.  "I think the people that matter would say that you're keeping your promise to Kaycee.  We all know how much you loved her and how much hurt you've been going through since she died.  We're all hoping that you're able to find happiness again one day."

Johnny nodded thoughtfully.  "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"You got some reason for asking me that?"  Roy asked gently.

"Yeah, Hanna and I had a lot of time to talk and think in Montana.  We've decided to see if we can build on our friendship."  Johnny admitted.

"Well, I for one am happy for you.  I really hope it works out for the two of you."  Roy smiled at him.

"Thanks, I do too."  Johnny smiled back.


                                                               ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Dr. Brackett, phone call, line 2.  Dr. Kelly Brackett, phone call, line 2."  The hospital P.A. announced.

Kel snapped closed the chart he was reading while leaving treatment room 3, and strode over to the nurses' station.  He picked up the phone, and pushed the button to connect the call.  "This is Dr. Brackett. . . yeah, oh hi. . .when?"  He flipped his wrist up to look at his watch.  "Yeah, I can do that. . . No, not right away, I'm still on duty for another hour and a half. . . Yeah, okay, I promise, just as soon as I get off work, I'll be there. . . Yeah, okay, bye."  He hung up the phone, laying the chart on the desk, he flipped it open to write in it.  "Wonder what that was all about?"  He thought to himself shaking his head thoughtfully.

After his shift ended, he drove to the familiar apartment building, he parked his car and headed directly to the correct apartment.  He knocked on the door, and waited, looking at his watch again.  The door opened and he smiled, it'd been a long time since he'd been invited to this apartment.  "Can I come in?" 

"I thought you'd never get here."  She answered, stepping aside to allow him in.  "Do you want something to drink?"  She offered.

Kel walked in, pulling off his suit coat, laying it across the back of a chair, and loosening his tie, he sat down on the couch.  "Yeah, you still have some of that good scotch you always used to keep around?"

"Who do you think I used to keep it around for?"  She joked, pouring him a glass and returning to the couch to sit next to him.

"Thanks."  He said taking the glass from her and taking a sip.  "Alright Dix, you want to tell me what was so urgent, I had to rush right over here for?"  He asked, cocking an eyebrow at her.

She tucked her legs under herself, and leaned back against the couch.  "I'm not sure where to begin.  There's a lot I need to explain to you.  I know I hurt you pretty badly, when I turned you down seven years ago, and never told you why."

"Are we going to rehash that argument?  I thought we agreed to just leave it alone?"  Kel frowned, remembering the day seven years ago, when he'd asked Dixie to marry him.

"I just need to tell you why, that is if you want to hear it."  She said softly.

Kel thought about it for a moment.  "Yeah, okay, tell me."

Dixie sighed.  "I guess now that I think about it, it was pretty stupid of me to think you wouldn't understand, but what's done is done.  We can't undo the words we said all those years ago.  But you do deserve an explanation."  She glanced at him briefly, before looking away.  "You know I've always been pretty secretive about my past?"

"I figured if you wanted me to know, you would tell me."  Kel answered, draping his arm across the back of the couch, shifting positions to get more comfortable.

"There's a reason I never told you about it.  When I was 21, I fell in love with a charming young man, William Adams.  We had a whirlwind courtship and married in less than six months."  She glanced over at Kel, trying to read his expression, at the news that she'd been married before.

Kel, deciding to hear the rest of the story, kept a neutral expression on his face.  "Go on."  He urged.

"I guess when he started becoming more controlling, I just overlooked it.  I thought he was the one I married and spend the rest of my life with.  He became more and more emotionally abusive, and verbally abused me all the time, calling me all kinds of things.  Getting jealous any time I'd leave the house for any reason, always accusing me of running around on him.  My best friend pulled me aside one day and asked me if this was the way I really wanted to live my life, walking on eggshells around him all the time, afraid to set him off.  I realized she was right, so I went home to him and told him I was leaving.  I went to pack my things, to move back to my parents' home.  He followed me into the bedroom, and grabbed me by the arm, flinging me down on the bed.  It was the first time he'd ever physically attacked me.  He was brutal, not only beating me, but raping me for hours.  In the morning, he tied me to the bed, so he could go to work.  I managed to get free, and ran from the house.  The neighbors called the police.  William was arrested, but he posted bond.  When I had him served with divorce papers, he started calling me all the time, sometimes 30 or 40 times a day.  I couldn't leave the house, because he was always right outside waiting for me.  It was the longest three months of my life.  At his trial, he was convicted of assault and battery, but because we were married, he couldn't be convicted of rape, or enslavement for tying me up.  The court sentenced him to six months in jail for what he did to me."

"That's all?"  Kel asked, shocked.

Dixie nodded.  "Yeah, that's all.  I knew as soon as he got out of jail, it would  start again, the phone calls, him constantly watching me.   I was afraid that if he got the chance, he'd kidnap me, and this time, make sure not to let me escape.  It was my mother that suggested I enlist in the army, and leave town for a while.  I was sent to Korea, working in a M.A.S.H. unit there.  William was released from prison, and just as I feared, began harassing my parents trying to find me.  When the divorce was finalized, I knew I couldn't go back to my hometown, and it wasn't safe for my parents to know where I was either.  So I put up a U.S. map on the wall, blindfolded myself, took a pin and stuck it in the map."

"Los Angeles?"  Kel asked.

"Yeah, that's where the pin stuck.  I called my parents from the military base, and told them my plan, that I would never return, and I promised to call them every week, but I couldn't even let them know where I was.  They agreed with me.  They knew how persistent and dangerous William was.  By this time, he already broke into their home and ransacked it three times trying to get information on where I was.  I moved to Los Angeles, and immediately changed my name legally."

"So what really is your name?"  Kel inquired, surprised at how little he knew about the woman he'd once wanted to marry.

"Monica Shepfield."  She answered.

"How'd you come up with Dixie McCall?"

She smiled for a moment, and explained.  "Well, Dixie came from the pet name my dad had for me.  He used to call me Pixie as a little girl.  I wanted something that was familiar so I'd respond naturally to it.  Dixie was close enough that I knew I wouldn't have problems adjusting to it.  McCall, well that's actually kind of funny.  I was having a hard time coming up with a last name I felt comfortable with, and there happened to be a magazine laying on the end table outside the judges' chambers while I was waiting.  I was flipping through it while I was waiting, and decided it wasn't a half bad name."

Kel smiled back at her.  "Yeah that is kind of funny, named after a magazine."

"I guess the rest of the story you already know, since I met you at Rampart about a year after that." 

Kel thought about all she'd told him.  "So what does all this have to do with turning me down?"  He finally asked.

Dixie looked at him, smiling sadly.  "I couldn't get you involved.  What if he found me again?  I didn't want to put you at risk."

"I would have taken on that risk gladly."  He answered looking her deep in the eyes.

"Oh, Kel, I've always known that.  But I loved you so much. I had no choice in my heart but to spare you from it."  She felt tears welling up in her eyes.  "When I saw that hurt look on your face after I'd turned you down, I wanted to instantly change my answer, but to keep you safe from William, I knew I couldn't."

Kel smiled sadly at her.  "So why are you telling me about it now?"

Dixie reached for a Kleenex, dabbing her eyes with it.  "I called my parents today.  William was killed in a car accident, last Friday.  Look, I know we can't turn back the clock, and go back to what we had, but I thought you deserved to know why.  Just so you know, I've never stopped loving you just as much as I did the day you asked me to marry you."  She admitted.

Kel pulled her into his arms, resting her head on his chest, comforting her.  "And, just so you know, I never got over you either."  He said softly.

"I'm so sorry, I should have told you.  I should have let you make up your own mind about getting involved with me, after knowing the truth."  She whispered.

"Well, I know the truth now, and if you're willing, we could give it another chance."  He gently kissed the top of her head.

"You really want to try again?"  She asked surprised, pulling away to look at him.

"As long as you promise me, no more secrets."  He answered.

She nodded her head.  "I can do that, there's nothing else about me you don't know."

Kel smiled at her, and pulled her face to his, kissing her tenderly.  The kiss intensified, and without breaking off the kiss, he slid one arm under her knees, picking her up in his arms, and carrying her towards the bedroom.

Johnny entered the kitchen, his first shift back from his vacation.  "Morning everybody."

"Morning Johnny."  Marco greeted.

"Enjoy your mystery vacation?"  Chet asked.

Johnny finished pouring himself a cup of coffee, and turned to him.  "Oh, shut up Chet."  He sipped it as he walked over to the table, sitting down next to Roy.

"Welcome back."  Roy smiled at him over his own cup.

Johnny nodded his thanks to Roy and picked up the sports section of the paper.

Mike walked in and tapped Johnny on the shoulder.  "Hey, Johnny, this came for you day before yesterday, Cap's been holding onto it for you."

"Thanks Mike."  Johnny took the large manila envelope from him.  He studied it, it had no return address on it, and only was addressed  John Gage, Care of Station 51, Carson, California, 55555.  "Wonder who it's from?"  He mumbled, opening the envelope and pulling out an 8 x 10 photograph.

"Who's family is that?"  Chet asked looking over his shoulder. 

"Excuse me guys."  Johnny said, abruptly standing up and leaving the room.

The guys shot each other confused looks.  "Roy, you know anything?"

"It's Johnny's picture, if he wants to tell us about it he will."  Roy answered diplomatically, already having an idea who's family was in the picture.

Hank walked in for a refill.  "What's up?"  He asked his men, after finding them crowded around a photograph.

"We don't know.  Johnny just got this picture in the mail and walked out."  Marco explained.

Roy slipped out unnoticed and caught up with Johnny in the dorm.  "Yeah, okay, I'll see you later.  Bye."  Johnny finished his telephone conversation and hung up the phone.

"Calling Hanna?"

"Yeah, I wanted to tell her about the picture I just got in the mail."  Johnny confirmed, nodding.

"It's your dad's new family isn't it?"  Roy asked softly.

"Yeah."  Johnny ran his hand through his hair and sat down on Hank's bunk.  "You know seeing him in Montana, was pretty hard.  I wanted to ask him so many things.  Why'd he leave?  Why didn't he ever try to see me or Alia?  Why he didn't even come around when Alia was sick?  Then I find out that he never even knew that Alia was sick, that he hadn't even kept up on how we were doing. It was like he walked away and never looked back.  You know Alia used to ask me about him all the time.  I felt so sorry for her, at least I had some memories of him, she never knew him."

"Do you hate him, Johnny?"

Johnny looked thoughtfully at Roy for a moment.  "You know, I really don't know.  Mom always told me not to, she said hate never brought around anything good, and if I wanted to be happy one day, not to dwell on his mistakes, and that he'd never know what he was missing out on.  She was always so proud of Alia and I, telling us that she didn't regret falling in love with dad and being married to him, even though he left her, because if she hadn't, then she wouldn't have us."

"Quite a strong woman."

"Yeah, she was."  Johnny leaned back against the brick wall.  "I guess the thing that's bugging me the most is I just can't understand why he'd send me that picture."  Johnny sighed.

"Maybe he felt he owed it to you to see what your brothers and sisters look like."  Roy suggested.

"Maybe."  Johnny agreed.  "I don't know whether to be happy or sad about seeing what they look like.  Damn, Roy, they're my brothers and sisters, my own flesh and blood, and I'll never get to be a big brother to them because he never told them I exist."

"Must make you feel kind of like a non-person."  Roy sympathized.

"Yeah, I guess that's about how I feel.  It's not fair Roy, what did I ever do to him?  Why did I get stuck picking up all the pieces by myself after Alia and mom died, and he gets to go off and have another family?"

"Your past made you who you are.  Going though all that formed your character, you're a strong person, just like your mom was."  Roy said, laying his hand on Johnny's shoulder and squeezing. 

"You think so Roy?"  He asked doubtfully.

"Yeah, I do.  If you weren't a strong person, you'd have never have asked Kaycee to marry you when you already knew she was dying." 

Johnny thought about Roy's words for a while, finally he said quietly.  "I don't hate him."

"I didn't think you had it in you to hate someone, even the man that walked out on your family." 

Johnny nodded.  "It's kind of strange, but I actually feel sorry for him. He's built his life since that moment on, based on a lie."

"He'll have to face up to it sooner or later.  The past always does seem to have a way of catching up with you."

"Yeah, maybe you're right."  He agreed.  "Well, come on, we can't sit here all day."  He stood up quickly ending the conversation.

"Yeah, okay, let's go."  Roy allowed him to end the conversation and followed him back to the kitchen.

"So who's the family?"  Chet immediately asked.

"Chet, lay off, if he wants to tell us, he will."  Roy ran interference for his friend.

"Roy's right."  Hank agreed.  "It's Johnny's mail, and it's his picture.  It's his business if he chooses to talk about it or not."

Johnny picked up the photograph, sliding it back in the envelope.  "Sorry guys, I don't want to talk about it."  He said quietly and left the room.

Hank watched him leave.  "He gonna be alright?"  He asked Roy.

"Yeah, just give him some time, he'll tell you when he's ready."  Roy answered, sitting back down at the table, picking up the front page of the newspaper. Pretending to read, he thought about the conversation he'd just had with Johnny.