for better for worse

FOR BETTER AND WORSE
By Mary Ann

"So how's the wedding planning coming along?" Sarah's partner Steve Burnett asked.

Sarah enjoyed being assigned to Squad 36 since her field training ended. "Almost done. I was teasing my mom about getting married in my dress uniform. She almost fainted." Steve laughed. "Only one more week and counting." She said closing up the drug box and slid it back in the squad.

"Mason?" Captain Davidson yelled into the equipment bay.

"Doing inventory." She called back to him.

"Mason, Chief O'hearn wants to see you after your shift today at HQ." Captain Davidson told her.

"Okay, I'll head over there as soon as I'm done here."

"What's that about?" Steve asked loading the trauma box in the squad.

"I don't know." Sarah answered shrugging her shoulders. "But I'm sure gonna find out."

                                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sarah pulled her truck in the parking lot at headquarters. She was surprised to see Johnny's Land Rover already parked there. "What's Johnny doing here?" She thought to herself. "Well only one way to find out." She walked into the building. "Can you tell Chief O'hearn that Sarah Mason is here to see him per his request." She told the secretary. She went over to where Johnny was lightly dozing in a chair with his feet propped up on another chair. She sat down in the chair next to him and shook his shoulder gently.

Johnny opened his eyes. "What are you doing here?" He asked rubbing his eyes and running his hand through his hair, before stretching his arms up and pulling his feet down from the other chair.

"Chief O'hearn called me in after shift. I just got off duty. We got called on a run at 7:45. Don't you hate it when that happens. How long you been here?"

"Since about nine. I got here right after my shift. I wonder what this is all about?"

"I don't know," she told him. "But I bet it has something to do with our wedding this Saturday."

"You think so?" He asked, looking down the hall, then turning back to her. "Looks like we're gonna find out soon. Here comes the Chief."

The Chief closed the door behind them and motioned for Johnny and Sarah to sit in the chairs in front of his desk. He sat in his chair behind the desk and finally spoke. "I hear you're wedding's this Saturday. I wanted to tell you both congratulations." He paused for a minute.

"Thanks Chief." Sarah replied smiling. "But I don't think that's the reason you called us down here."

"You've got a smart one here, Gage." He smiled at Johnny. "You're right. I have to ask you both a couple of questions. First of all, are you both returning back to work after you're vacation is over?" He looked at Sarah.

Sarah looked at Johnny, he nodded to her and she turned back to the Chief. "Neither one of us plan to stop working anytime soon. Firefighting and being paramedics are as much a part of our relationship as anything else. Both of us love our jobs too much to even think of any other career."

The chief nodded as Sarah finished. "Well as you are both firemen-paramedics. . ." He paused, glancing over at Sarah.

"Don't worry Chief, I'm not offended. To me a fireman is anybody male or female, that has firefighting in their blood." She told him honestly.

The Chief nodded. "You're right Mason. Anyway, as I was saying since you're both firemen-paramedics, so some of us are a little worried that Gage and Gage may get somewhat confusing at a fire scene with multiple squads responding."

Johnny answered this time. "It won't be confusing Chief, I'll still be Gage and Sarah's changing to Mason-Gage. She already ordered the new nameplate for her uniforms. It should be in by the time we return to work."

"Good, good." Chief O'hearn nodded again. "One more thing. I want you to know I was against this one, but was outvoted by the other chiefs. I see how close the paramedic teams in our squads are. When your life depends on your partner, you develop a very deep bond. The other chiefs have decided that unless under emergency conditions, you two may not accept overtime to work on each other's squads together. I'm sorry. I tried to explain it to them, that your relationship would have no bearing on your work as paramedics, but a lot of them are pretty old fashioned. They're still having a hard time accepting women as firefighters, let alone paramedics."

"That's okay Chief." Sarah smiled at him. "Johnny and I already agreed on that a while ago. Neither one of us felt too comfortable about being partnered together again. It just seemed a little to close for comfort. Johnny's place is with Roy, and mine is with Steve."

"Yeah." Johnny added. "I felt we might be a little too concerned with each other's safety to take some of the risks that we both know are part of our job saving lives."

"Well, you two really thought this thing out. Just one more thing, can you both put it in writing for me. They want something in your files."

"Sure Chief." Johnny replied and Sarah nodded, reaching for the pen and paper in front of them.

Out in the parking lot, Johnny walked Sarah over to her car. As Sarah opened her door, Johnny trapped her by leaning against the truck door on one side and holding his other arm against the truck "Come on Sarah, give me a hint." He begged with that little grin on his face and twinkle in his eye that Sarah had grown to love so much.

"Okay," she grinned back. "You win, you've been driving me crazy for the past three weeks since I told you I bought the dress, so come here." She motioned for him to lower his head so she could whisper in his ear. "It's white." She kissed his cheek quickly and ducked inside the truck laughing.

"Oh fine, be that way." He remarked closing the door and leaning up against the truck. He folded his arms in the windowsill and rested his head on his arms. "I was going to tell you what to pack for the honeymoon, but you can forget that now." He teased, baiting her.

"You got the reservations?" She asked a little more quickly than she had wanted.

Johnny knew he had her. "No, no, I want it to be a surprise for you." He grinned at her, his eyes twinkling again.

"Come on Johnny." She reasoned. "You know it's bad luck to know about the dress before the wedding. There's no bad luck if I know where we're going before the honeymoon." She reached out to brush the hair back from his forehead.

"Alright, you talked me into it." He relented, grabbing her hand and kissing it. "It's Hawaii."

"Wow, that's truly the one place I've always wanted to go to all my life. How'd you know?"

"Well all those weeks on your hide-a-bed recovering from that broken arm and leg, staring at that framed poster of Hawaii over the TV, I kind of figured it was important to you."

"Johnny Gage, are you going to spend the rest of my life surprising me like this?" She asked leaning towards him in the window. They kissed a tender lingering kiss.

"You bet, my friend." He replied smiling at her.

"Listen, I gotta run. I have the final fitting for that white dress now and I'm running late. You coming for dinner tonight?"

"Yeah, you don't want me to give myself food poisoning one week before the wedding do you?"

"Okay, I'll see you around 7 then. Bye my friend." She leaned out the window, and kissed him quickly on the lips once more. She started the truck and Johnny backed away from it waving.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny entered the jewelry store and walked up to the clerk behind the counter. "Can I help you?" The man asked.

"Yeah, I'm Johnny Gage, I got a call that my order was in."

"Oh yes, Mr. Gage, just a moment please." The clerk disappeared into the back room. He returned carrying a small black box. "Just sign here." He handed Johnny the work order.

Johnny opened the box and pulled the shiny gold band out of the box. He angled it to the light and read the inscription inside, he smiled. "It's perfect." He remarked signing the work order.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny pulled his Land Rover up in Roy's driveway. He got out, walked to the door and knocked three times and then entered the house. Roy and Joanne were in the kitchen. "Hey you two about ready to go to the rehearsal?"

"Yeah, we're just finishing up the dinner dishes. Beth Stoker just picked up the kids a few minutes ago." Joanne answered.

Johnny leaned back against the counter and watched Joanne washing dishes and Roy drying them. He was lost in his thoughts for a minute until he felt a damp dishtowel hit him in the chest. Roy looked at him laughing. "Getting cold feet there Junior?"

"No." Johnny replied tossing the towel back to Roy surprised at finding himself alone with Roy in the kitchen. He didn't notice Joanne leave. "I was just thinking that after tomorrow, I'll know what it feels like to just live life and do the everyday chores with Sarah, just like you and Joanne."

"Yeah, family life is definitely the way to go, especially in high stress jobs like ours. Just don't forget that she's got the same high stress job you do. Even if she did stay home, like Joanne did, there's still stress to that job too."

Joanne walked back into the kitchen, catching the last of Roy's remarks. "Why Roy, I never thought you knew about that." She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him lightly.

"I don't let a lot slip past me, Joanne. I just help out when I can and try to give you the space you need to work things out, even if it means you distancing yourself from me. But you always know I'll be waiting for you at the end of it." He hugged her close again for a moment. "Are you ready to go?"

"Just give me a minute to freshen up. I'll meet you in the car." She answered walking towards the hall.

Johnny and Roy headed out to the Land Rover. "What was that about?" Johnny asked puzzled, fishing his keys out of his pocket.

"Oh nothing." Roy grinned slightly, opening the door and climbing in. Johnny climbed in the driver's seat. "Joanne's just been a little moody the past few days. Snapping at me for things." Roy punched Johnny in the shoulder playfully. "You'd better get used to it." He laughed. "It happens about once a month for about a week. All you can do is lay low and tough it out."

Roy looked at Johnny and laughed again as he saw the recognition dawning in his eyes. "Oh that." Johnny muttered feeling his ears burning.

"Yeah, that." Roy chuckled at his discomfort.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny woke up as he felt something brush his face. He inhaled the scent of Sarah's hair. "Nope, it wasn't a dream." He thought to himself. He looked down at Sarah sleeping peacefully on his chest, her left hand tucked under her cheek, the gold band peeking out near her eye. He smiled as he thought about yesterday. What a whirlwind it was. The whole day flashed past with such speed he almost felt like it was a dream. Except for that one moment. He closed his eyes smiling and thought back.

That one moment where Sarah and her father appeared at the doors of the church. The sunlight streamed in behind them almost silhouetting them. The sunlight seemed to be beaming through her hair making her look like an angel. The sight of her took his breath away; he felt his legs becoming Jell-O. It was at that moment that Roy reached out and set his hand on Johnny's shoulder. Roy seemed to transfer strength to Johnny's legs with just the touch of his hand. "Thanks Roy." Johnny had said not taking his eyes off Sarah. "She's beautiful isn't she?"

"I know just how you feel Junior, I felt the same way when I first saw Joanne at our wedding." Roy whispered back.

"Are you always so happy in the mornings?" Sarah's voice brought him back to reality. He opened his eyes to see Sarah watching him.

"Only when I wake up with you." He answered. "Good morning Mrs. Gage." He kissed her gently.

"Mrs. Gage." Sarah repeated. "I'm not used to that yet. Every time I hear it, I look around for your mother."

They both laughed. "Shall we get up and enjoy all the sights of Hawaii?"

"You're the only sight I want to see." Sarah answered kissing him passionately.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So tell me all about it." Roy asked sitting next to Johnny in the locker room of the station buttoning up his shirt. "Is Hawaii as beautiful as they say it is?"

Johnny turned red and squirmed on the bench. "To tell you the truth, Roy. We, ah, didn't see too much of the islands."

Roy laughed. "Yeah, Joanne and I went to Niagara Falls. I still want to go back there someday and finally see the Falls."

Johnny joined in laughing. "I knew you'd understand Roy."

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a Tuesday morning two and a half months later, Sarah woke with a start and looked at the clock, 9 o'clock, and Johnny was still sound asleep. She blew out her breath grateful that he was not awake yet and wriggled out from under his arm. She crept to the kitchen to use the phone, listening to see if he would wake up. She dialed the number from memory, and waited until it was answered. "Yes, hi, this is Sarah Gage. I was wondering if my test results were in yet?" She whispered into the phone. "I see. . . You're sure? . . Okay, yeah, I'll do that. Thank you." She hung up the phone, and leaned heavily against the wall for a minute absorbing the news. Still in shock over the news, she made her way to the bathroom, and stared at herself in the mirror. "What's Johnny gonna think?" She whispered to her reflection before sliding down the wall and pulling her legs up to her chest and crossing her arms over her knees. She buried her head in her arms and began sobbing. "Johnny didn't want this to happen. It's all my fault." Her mind repeated over and over.

Johnny woke up hearing noise in the bathroom. When he realized that Sarah was not in bed, he got up and headed to the bathroom. He knocked on the door. "Sarah?" He called her name. The sobbing inside became louder. Johnny was instantly worried. "Sarah what's wrong?" He opened the door and found her sobbing curled up in a ball on the floor. He rushed to her, and wrapped his arms around her. He gently rocked her and spoke softly to her. "Come on Sarah, what's wrong. Nothing could be so bad, you couldn't tell me about it."

She looked up at him with red tear filled eyes. "It's all my fault." She told him, lowering her head and sobbing again.

"What's all your fault?" Johnny asked gently kissing the back of her head.

"I'm pregnant."

Sarah said it so softly that he almost didn't hear it. "Sarah, did you just say you're pregnant?" He asked stunned.

"Yes." She finally said looking up at him.

He looked at her. "Are you sure?"

"I just called the doctor's office and my test results were back. I'm pregnant." She confirmed, lowering her head back in her arms again. "I'll understand if you can't forgive me for this." She whispered in a defeated voice.

It took Johnny a moment to process the news, and then he smiled as the news registered. "Sarah, look at me." He gently put his hand under her chin and lifted her face to look at him. "It is not all your fault, I'm just as much to blame for not being careful. And in the second place, I couldn't be happier about it." Sarah finally opened her eyes and saw him smiling at her, his eyes full of awe at the realization that he was going to be a father.

"But I thought you wanted to wait a few years before we had children?" She asked him, puzzled by his reaction.

"I did that for you." He replied. "I didn't think you'd want to have to take the time off work to have children right away. I thought you would want to enjoy your career without the responsibility of kids for a while first."

"So you're really happy about it?" She asked wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Who could be happier. I have the woman of my dreams, who loves me and she's about to give me the greatest gift in the world. A little piece of you and me is actually going to be here, where we can see it and touch it and watch it grow. Just like our love for each other will grow." He kissed her gently, and hugged her tight. "I'm gonna be a dad. Everything's gonna be okay Sarah, you'll see. We'll get through this."

She looked up at him. "Just promise me one thing. Please don't tell anybody even Roy right now. I need some time to think."

"Okay Sarah, we'll do things you're way. It'll be our little secret for a while, but after a few more weeks people are gonna start to suspect something." He grinned rubbing her stomach.

Sarah finally smiled. "Yeah, I don't think I can hide it much longer. Thanks for not saying anything yet. I just need a few days to work through this."

"Take you're time cause the baby's not going anywhere. It'll still be there when you're ready to tell the world that Johnny Gage is gonna be a dad."

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve noticed that Sarah was quieter than usual that day. "Anything wrong?" He asked her looking at her for a second before turning his eyes back to the road. They were returning to Station 36 after a pretty easy run to Rampart.

"No, I just didn't get enough sleep last night." Sarah lied hoping he wouldn't push further. She was trying to come to grips with everything. It was two days since she told Johnny, and he seemed genuinely happy. He even went out and bought a pair of baby booties and hung them over the rail in the closet next to her clothes. She laughed when she opened the closet and found them there. Johnny beamed at her, stepping out from behind the bathroom door. He joined in laughing, before pulling her into his arms, and telling her again how happy she made him. She suddenly realized the happiness she was denying him by not letting him tell the world he was going to be a dad. "That's it." She thought to herself, finally making her decision. "As soon as we get back to the station, I'm calling Johnny at 51's and let him know it's alright for him to tell. . . ."

Her thoughts were interrupted by Steve's voice. "Oh Shit!" He yelled swerving to miss a kid that rode his bicycle out into the street between two parked cars.

She felt the wheels on Steve's side of the rig come off the pavement and sensed the rig rising in the air. "Oh, God, please protect my baby." She prayed silently as the squad flipped on its side and skidded into something and stopped suddenly. Sarah was thrown against the dashboard and everything went black.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The alarm sounded bringing Johnny back to himself. Roy watched him shake the cobwebs out of his mind and put himself in paramedic mode. Roy wondered what was up with his partner today. He kept zoning out, staring off into space, a small smile on his face. When he had tried to ask him what was going on, Johnny would look embarrassed about being caught zoning out and tell him that he'd tell him when the time when the time was right. They jumped in the squad on their way to a motor vehicle accident.

As they pulled up on the scene. Johnny grabbed the dashboard, his knuckles turning white. Squad 36 was overturned on the passenger side. Roy looked over at Johnny. He was already out of the squad running toward the overturned squad. Roy parked his squad, jumped out and grabbed the drug box, and biophone. He set them down next to the squad and pulled out the trauma box.

Johnny climbed on top of the overturned squad and was opening up the driver's door. He carefully lowered himself in making sure not to step on Steve or Sarah. He reached out with a trembling hand and felt Sarah's neck for a pulse. When he found it, he let out the breath he was holding. He checked Steve for a pulse and popped his head out the door. "They're both alive." He called out to Roy.

"Thank God." Roy thought.

"We're gonna have to get them out through the windshield. You better tell the Cap. Hand me the trauma box. I'm gonna need to splint Steve's arm." Johnny explained reaching down for the box.

"Okay." Roy agreed handing it up to him; he went over to the engine.

"Sarah?" Captain Stanley asked as he stepped down from the engine.

"Yeah, she's alive. Johnny says we'll need to get them out through the windshield." Roy told him.

"Okay, Lopez, get over there and help them get the windshield out. Kelly, get the reel line and wash down the pavement where that gasoline is coming from." He pulled down the mike from the engine. "LA-Engine 51, we need two ambulances dispatched to our location."

The men all worked with a controlled frenzy, trying to get their friends out. It was always motivating to help one of your own. But when it was the wife of one of your stationmates, the pace was even more frenetic. Marco and Roy moved Steve out on a backboard. Roy went with him to assess his status, he checked his vitals and set up the biophone. "Rampart this is Squad 51. How do you read?"

"Go ahead 51." Brackett's voice sounded over the radio.

"Rampart we have two victims of a motor vehicle accident involving an overturned rescue squad. Victim one is a male approx 32 years old. He is unconscious and appears to have a broken arm. Possible head injury, his pupils are unequal and sluggish. Vitals are B.P. 110/90, pulse is 95, respirations are 22. Victim number two is a female 26 years old. She is unconscious. Stand by for vitals." Roy set the phone down, and called over to his partner. "Johnny, what have you got?"

Johnny quickly assessed Sarah again; they were still trying to remove her from the squad. "Pulse is 70 and weak, respirations are 28 and labored. I think she's got some broken ribs. I'll know more when we get her out." He called back to Roy.

"Rampart, vitals on victim number two are pulse 70, respirations 28 and labored, possible broken ribs. No other vitals at this time, we are still attempting to extricate her from the squad."

"Start IV D-5-W TKO on victim one. Immobilize head and back and arm and transport as soon as possible. Get me a full set of vitals and health assessment as soon as possible from victim number two."

"10-4 Rampart. IV D-5-W TKO and immobilize victim number one. Stand by Rampart." Johnny and Chet carried Sarah out and set her next to Steve. Roy glanced up at Johnny. "Hey Johnny, we need to switch, you can't treat Sarah." He reminded him moving to Sarah's side.

"Take care of her Roy." Johnny whispered in a scared voice. "She's pregnant."

"What?!" Roy jerked his head up in surprise to look at Johnny.

"She told me two days ago. She's about two and a half months pregnant." Johnny confirmed looking down at Sarah's face.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, she got the results of her pregnancy test from the doctor's office on Tuesday."

"Okay, I'll take care of her, you know I will. Go take care of Steve.   Rampart ordered D-5-W TKO IV and immobilize head and back and arm and transport immediately."

"Okay, I'm on my way." Johnny agreed reluctantly, he bent down to kiss Sarah gently. "Hang in there my friend." He whispered in her ear and left to treat Steve.

Johnny had Steve prepped to go. Chet and Johnny loaded Steve into the ambulance, then Johnny went back over to Roy. "How is she?"

"She's holding on. You'd better get Steve to the hospital. I'll meet you there as soon as I can with her."

"Okay, at least now you know why I was zoning out." Johnny told him, his voice cracking with emotion, before turning back to the ambulance.

Roy picked up the biophone glad that Johnny was not there to hear it. "Rampart this is Squad 51. Additional information on victim number two B.P. 90/50, pulse is 65 and weak, respirations are 28 and labored. Victim appears to have several broken ribs, appears to have taken an impact to the chest and abdomen. Victim is believed to be two and a half months pregnant at this time."

"Squad 51, is there any rigidity in the abdomen?"

Roy checked and answered. "Yes, in all quadrants."

"Squad 51, start bi-lateral IV's Ringers and transport immediately. Is victim number two Sarah Gage?" Brackett asked.

"Yes." Roy answered. "Transporting immediately. ETA 10 minutes." Roy said grabbing the drug box. "Chet, load the biophone in the ambulance and get the stretcher over here. We're gonna scoop and run as soon as I get the IV's started."

"Right." Chet answered, running for the second ambulance, the equipment in his hands. He set the biophone on the bench, and directed the ambulance attendents back over to Roy. He looked up, as the ambulance carrying Steve and Johnny roared past them on the way to the hospital, and then looked back down at Sarah. "Damn, Johnny, I never knew you were that strong, leaving your wife behind, to take care of her partner. Please, God, take care of my friends." He prayed silently to himself, lifting Sarah's stretcher into the waiting ambulance.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In route, Roy looked at his watch again. Sarah groaned and doubled over. Roy reacted immediately. "Pull over." He yelled to the driver. "Rampart this is squad 51."

"Go ahead 51."

"Victim number two has regained consciousness and is in extreme pain. Vitals are now B.P. 80/40, pulse is now 130 and weak, respirations are 32 and still labored." Roy waited for a response from Rampart. "Sarah?"

Sarah opened her eyes again and focused on the face in front of her. "Roy?" She said with pain in her voice.

"Yeah, it's me. Johnny's on his way to the hospital with Steve."

"I'm pregnant."

"I know, Johnny told me at the scene so I could treat you."

"Squad 51 administer 5 mg MS IV push and continue transport." Kel's order came across the biophone.

"10-4, Rampart." Roy grabbed the drug box and prepared the syringe.

Sarah grabbed his arm as he was trying to thread the syringe into the drug port. "Roy, I'm pregnant, is that medicine going to hurt the baby?"

She looked scared and Roy reassured her. "Brackett knows what he's doing. He knows you're pregnant."

"Okay." Sarah replied and dropped her hand. Roy threaded the syringe into the drug port and depressed the syringe.

As soon as he pulled it out, he yelled to the driver. "Let's move!"

"Roy, I'm sorry I didn't let Johnny tell you. I needed time to figure things out." She was starting to get sleepy again. She grabbed Roy's hand. "Tell Johnny I was gonna call him when we got back to the station and let him tell you, and tell him I love him." She told him with difficulty as the medication began taking effect.

"I wondered why he was in outer space today, and you tell him you love him yourself." Roy encouraged, squeezing her hand.

"No." She said sleepily. "If the baby doesn't make it, I don't want to make it." Her hand went limp in Roy's.

Roy looked out the window frustrated, and thought to himself. "Aren't we there yet?"

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny paced back and forth in the ambulance entrance of the hospital. "Where are they?" He asked himself while gritting his teeth. "They should be here by now." He looked at his watch again. Was it really only 15 minutes since he brought Steve in? Finally he saw the ambulance pull into the driveway. As soon as it backed up, Johnny opened the doors. Dixie came out behind him. She put her hand on Johnny's arm and squeezed. Johnny put his hand over Dixie's and squeezed back. "Let's move!" He yelled impatiently at Roy.

Roy said nothing to Johnny, about his outburst. He was worried for both him and Sarah. They practically ran down the hall with the stretcher. They got her in Room 1 and transferred her onto the treatment table.

Brackett was already washed up and began examining her immediately. "Get Johnny out of here." He said authoratatively to Roy.

Roy knew it was the right thing to do. "Come on Johnny, you know Dr.Brackett will take good care of her. He's pulled your butt out of the fire once or twice. Sarah couldn't get a better doctor." Roy told Johnny pulling him toward the door. Johnny looked at Sarah's face one more time and turned away as his shoulders slumped and his head bowed. He meekly let Roy lead him to the doctor's lounge.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Roy sat Johnny down on the couch. Chet walked in and handed the keys for the squad to Roy. Roy looked at Johnny and then back over to him. "Chet can you radio the Cap and ask him to stand us down and call in a replacement crew. I don't think Johnny should be alone right now. When you get back to the station, can you call Joanne and let her know what's happened?"

"Sure Roy, no problem. I'll take care of it." Chet took the keys back from Roy. He expressed his concern for his friend in the only way he knew how, trying to use a little humor. "She'll be fine. She's strong, she married you didn't she?" He patted Johnny on the shoulder before heading for the door.

Johnny looked up at Chet. "Thanks Chet." He told him, understanding his friend's use of humor at a time like this, and hung his head in his hands again. When they were alone again, he spoke to Roy without looking up. "It's all my fault, Roy."

"The accident wasn't your fault."

"No, not the accident, the pregnancy." Johnny replied fighting back tears. "She didn't want to get pregnant yet. She started on the pill when we got married, but she had to wait for her next period to start it. I knew it wasn't safe, but I talked her into it. I just wanted our honeymoon to be so perfect. I should have waited." He finally broke down and sobbed. He continued between sobs. "You know when she told me she was pregnant, she blamed herself. She thought I was gonna be mad at her for it. I've spent the last two days trying to convince her that I wanted the baby. I figured she'd come around. She'll never forgive me for it now."

Roy put his hands on Johnny's shoulders. "She did come around." Roy told him. "She told me in the ambulance. She had just made up her mind to call you as soon as they got back to the station after the run and let you tell me."

"Really?" Johnny asked, his shoulders not racked by sobs anymore.

"Yeah, she told me something else. It will hurt, but you have to know it." Roy said squeezing Johnny's shoulders.

"Okay, tell me, I'm ready." Johnny gulped down his emotions, looking at Roy.

"She said that if the baby doesn't make it, she doesn't want to live."

"Oh my God, Roy. What am I gonna do?" Johnny hung his head in his hands again.

Just then, Dixie walked in. Johnny jumped to his feet. "How is she?" He asked anxiously.

"She's stabilized. We're taking her to surgery now, she has some internal bleeding and broken ribs. But Kel thinks she'll make it."

"What about the baby?"

The look on Dixie's face told him. "I'm so sorry Johnny. Sarah just miscarried."

Johnny's legs buckled under him, Roy caught him as he fell and they both dropped to the floor. "NOOOO!" Johnny screamed. Roy just held him as he sobbed. "This can't be happening. She's gonna give up when she finds out. How am I gonna pull her through this?"

A short time later Roy sat down on the couch next to him, handing him a cup of coffee. "Here drink this. Look, I've never told you this before, but Joanne miscarried before we had Chris." Roy took a swig of his coffee.

"How'd you get through it?" Johnny asked sipping the coffee.

"A lot of love and understanding. I had to give Joanne the space to work through it. I had to let her vent a lot of pain and frustration on me. And I just patiently waited for her to find her way back to me. Just whatever you do Johnny, don't give up on her. Trust the love that you two have to guide you back together. She may attack you and blame you for it. Just remember however much you're hurting, she's hurting worse because she's gonna blame herself for her body not protecting the life inside her. Be strong no matter what. If you need support, you come to Joanne or me. We've been through it. Don't expect her to share the burden of pain you're both feeling. Johnny, you know me, I don't beat around the bush. This will either make, or break your marriage."

"I'm scared Roy. I can't live without her."

"I know, Junior." Roy patted his shoulder again. "Believe me, I know."

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dixie came in four hours later. "She's out of surgery and in recovery. You can see her as soon as she's transferred to ICU. She came through well. The internal bleeding was from her spleen and the doctors removed it. It looks like she'll make a full recovery. Seems like you're rubbing off on her Johnny." Johnny smiled a weak smile. "Ah. . . Do you want me to tell her when she wakes up about the baby?"

Johnny looked over at Roy then back at Dixie. "No, I'll tell her."

Dixie reached up and gave Johnny a bear hug. "I'm so sorry." She kissed him on the cheek. "If there's anything I can do, just let me know."

"Thanks Dix, I will."

                                                           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny stood outside Sarah's ICU room. "I'm scared Roy. How am I gonna find the words to tell her our baby's gone?"

"Just speak from the heart and the words will come." Roy reassured him. "You want me to wait downstairs for you?"

"No, you'd better wait here for me, I don't know what kind of shape I'll be in when I come out."

"Okay partner. I've got your back."

Johnny took a deep breath to steel himself and opened the door. Sarah lay in bed and her eyes were still closed. He walked up to her. "How can I break her heart?" He thought, pulling up a chair next to her bed. He leaned over and kissed her gently, lingering for a moment not wanting to say what he knew he must.

Her eyes opened. "Johnny?" She looked over at him.

"Yes, Sarah, it's me."

"Am I gonna be alright?"

"You're gonna be fine. The doctors had to remove your spleen. But you can live without that."

"What about the baby?" She asked looking away from him, sensing in her heart what the answer already was.

"Sarah." Johnny took a deep breath and took her hand in his kissing it. "It just wasn't meant to be, you miscarried before the surgery."

Sarah squeezed her eyes shut. She pulled her hand out of his, her mind racing. "He never wanted the baby. He's happy that there's going to be no baby." Her tortured mind thought as the anger welled up inside her.

"Sarah?" Johnny asked in a concerned voice, watching the emotions play over her face.

When he said her name, her heart skipped a beat and seemed to turn to stone. She opened her eyes, hatred glowing in them. "Well, I'm sure you're happy our baby's gone. You never wanted it anyway. Get out of here. Just looking at you makes me sick!" She spat at him viciously. Johnny just sat looking stunned at her. A look of pain appeared on his face. "Good, that hurt him." She thought to herself. Then she yelled at him again. "I mean it, get the hell out of here. Go have a party to celebrate. Johnny Gage is NOT going to be a father!" She looked away. Johnny stood up and moved to the door, turning to look at her again. "GO!" She screamed grabbing the water pitcher off the bedside table and throwing it at him. It hit the wall next to his head and water exploded everywhere, splashing all over Johnny. He slipped out the door collapsing into Roy's waiting arms at the brutality of her words. Sarah closed her eyes her mind still racing. "MY BABY!" She screamed. "WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!"

Joe Early and the nurses came running to the room. Roy helped Johnny to a seat in the ICU waiting room, and they both waited for the doctor to come out of the room. When Joe came out several minutes later, he looked at Johnny. "We had to give her a sedative to calm her down. She was trying to pull out her IV's. We restrained her and she's calm now. Look, it's hard enough to deal with this when it happens naturally, but when it's an accident like this, it's even harder. There's nothing she could have done to protect the baby, but her mind's not ready to accept it yet. She's going to be out for several hours. Why don't you go home for a while, come back in the morning."

"I'll take him home." Roy promised. "Come on Johnny."

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny sat on the bed holding Sarah's nightgown. He just got out of a shower and was still wrapped in a towel. He held her nightgown to his face, and inhaled. It still smelled like her. He laid his head on her pillow breathing in her scent. "If I close my eyes, I can feel her here." He thought. "She's so close, yet so far away." He suddenly remembered something and got off the bed and walked to the closet. He opened the closet door and stared at the baby booties he hung there. "She just has to know I wanted the baby. She's just got to. She couldn't have meant what she said today." Just then the phone rang, and he answered it. "Hello?"

"Johnny, this is Joanne. I'm so sorry. Roy just told me what happened. Do me a favor. Let me visit her tomorrow morning before you do. I've been there, maybe I can help her through it."

"You may be right Joanne. I don't know how she'll react to seeing me tomorrow, if she'll even see me." He said sadly grabbing the baby booties down from the rail.

"Meet me at the hospital tomorrow morning at 7, and I'll go in first. Okay?"

"Thanks Joanne, and tell Roy thanks for everything today."

"He knows Johnny. Okay, I'll see you in the morning. Good night Johnny. Try to get some rest. She'll need your strength tomorrow."

"Good night Joanne." Johnny hung up the phone.   He lay back down on the bed and put the baby booties on Sarah's pillow. "Please don't let me lose them both." He silently begged the Spirits.

He dozed off but Sarah's rage filled eyes filled his dreams. He woke with a start, in a cold sweat, and looked at the clock. It was only 5:30. He picked the baby booties off the pillow and went to the closet. He put them in a shoebox and put them in the back of the closet. He dressed and made some coffee. He sat at the table looking through pictures from their wedding. Sarah looked so happy in each picture. Her eyes sparkled. "Will she ever be that happy again?" He wondered.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Johnny was already sitting in the waiting room at the end of the hall by the regular hospital room, Sarah had been moved to sometime during the night. He stood up when Joanne walked in. He hugged her, and kissed her cheek. "Thanks for coming."

"How is she today?" Joanne asked as they sat down.

"I talked to the nurses already. They say physically she's improving, but mentally, she's still in shock. She's awake, but just staring into space. She won't talk to anyone." Johnny brushed the hair off his forehead unconsciously. "I hope you can get through to her."

"Me too, Johnny, I'll do my best."

Joanne entered Sarah's room. The nurses were right. Sarah's eyes were open but she didn't move. "Sarah, it's me Joanne." She said brightly. "I thought it was time for some girl talk." She pulled the chair up next to the bed and looked at Sarah. She sat down and continued talking to her. "Look Sarah, I know the pain and hopelessness in your heart right now. I've been there. Roy and I miscarried two years before we had Chris. I felt like such a failure because my body didn't nurture the baby like it should have. I was sure that Roy would think less of me as a woman after that. I decided the best way to handle it was to reject Roy before he could do it to me." Joanne saw a tear roll down Sarah's cheek so she continued. "Of course I wasn't in the hospital injured as you are. They let me go home as soon as they finished the D and C. Roy tried to comfort me, but I just felt he was taking pity on me. I wanted him to hurt as badly as I hurt. I went into a frenzy. I screamed at him calling him names and blaming him for it. I grabbed as many of his clothes as I could, stuffing them in a suitcase. I threw it out the door and chased him out after it. I told him I never wanted to see him again. I slammed the door in his face and locked him out. I fell to the floor and cried for what must have been hours."

"How did you get him to forgive you?" Sarah asked in a scared voice.

"When I finally stopped crying, I heard Roy's voice from the other side of the door. I could hear the concern in his voice as he asked if I was okay. I just pushed him away as hard as I could, and that damn fool sat outside the door on the front porch patiently waiting for me to get through all that sorrow. Then I realized he was hurting as bad as I was. If he thought any less of me as a woman he would have never stayed outside that door that long worrying about me. I crawled to the door and unlocked it exhausted. Roy opened the door, scooped me up in his arms and carried me to the bed. He laid me down, kissed me softly and told me 'I love you.' Then he sat on the edge of the bed and held my hand until I fell asleep. When I woke up several hours later, he was still sitting there holding my hand. That's when I knew that Roy was my soulmate. We could handle anything as long as we had each other."

"Do you think Johnny can forgive me for all those vicious things I said to him yesterday?" She asked crying hard now.

"He wouldn't be sitting in the waiting room right now biting his fingernails up to his elbows if he couldn't. Sarah, you're grieving for that life that wasn't meant to be. Johnny's grieving too. But he's trying to be strong for you. Don't let your own grief push him away. Share it together and grow from it. Let it bind you together in the way it was meant to when you two exchanged your wedding vows. We all see it between you two. You are soulmates, just like Roy and I are. You two can withstand anything as long as you do it together. Look, I have to go now. I need to go help Roy get the kids ready for school. Do you want me to send Johnny in?" Joanne asked holding her breath.

Sarah simply nodded, tears still running down her face. Joanne smiled as she leaned down and kissed Sarah on the cheek. "If you need to talk, give me a call."

"Thanks, Joanne." Sarah said, smiling for the first time since she'd found out the baby was gone. "Please tell Johnny that his friend is waiting for him."

"I will." Joanne promised as she walked out the door.

Johnny stood up when Joanne exited Sarah's room. She smiled at him. "She asked me to tell you that your friend is waiting for you." Joanne could see the relief wash over his face.

"Thank you Joanne." He bear hugged her. "I gotta go." He walked in Sarah's door. Sarah's face was turned away from him. Johnny didn't say a word, but crossed over to her bed and sat on the edge of it. He took her hand in his and held it gently.

"Johnny, I. . . ." Sarah's voice trailed off.

"There's no need to say anything Sarah, I know what's in your heart."

Sarah turned to look at him. She reached up with her other hand and touched his cheek. "I was so mean to you yesterday. How can you want to be with someone that can turn on you like that?"

He reached up and took her hand from his cheek, and kissed it gently. "Yesterday never happened." He said simply. He leaned down and carefully drew her in his arms. She clung to him as she let out all the emotions that were inside her. Johnny didn't say a word. He just held her close and kissed the back of her head occasionally. When she had no more tears to cry, she lay back down on her pillow. Johnny wiped her cheeks with his thumbs and gently kissed her. "I love you Sarah. You could never push me away that I would stop loving you even for a minute. Did you ever take you ring off since we got married?"

"No, I never wanted too."

"Take it off and read what it says inside."

Sarah pulled her ring off and read out loud the inscription. "Sarah my friend always Johnny." She smiled at him. "Pull yours off and look."

Johnny looked at her. "Had we really both secretly had our rings inscribed?" He thought to himself. He pulled off his ring and read out loud. "Johnny my friend forever Sarah."

"It's gonna take some time, but I think we're gonna make it." She looked up at him smiling.

"Yeah, I think you're right." He agreed hugging her again.

                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three months later Johnny arrived home late from work. "Sarah?" He called. "Sorry I'm late, had another last minute run."

"I'm in the bedroom." He heard her say.

Johnny walked in and found her sitting on the floor in front of the closet. There was a shoebox on the floor in front of her. "I'm sorry Sarah, I couldn't bear to part with them." He apologized looking at the baby booties in her hands.

"I'm glad you didn't. It will give us something to remember the baby by." She carefully placed the booties in the shoebox. "Can you get me the marker from the desk?"

"Sure." Johnny replied, he walked over to the desk and retrieved it for her, and sat down on the floor next to her. "Here." He handed it to her.

She turned over the lid of the box and wrote in big letters on the top of it. BABY GAGE. She then put the lid on the box and turned to him smiling, reaching over and hugging him. Johnny softly kissed her, and then he looked deep in her eyes. The sparkle in them was back. "We'll have other children Sarah." He told her gently as they sat holding each other.

"Yeah." Sarah agreed. "But Baby Gage will always be our first."

                                                                                 THE END

Mary Ann's comments : that any medical, geographical, or procedural errors are mine, and thanks to Janet for all your help getting these stories ready to be posted.

Janet says, "it's my pleasure and you are welcome!"

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