He couldn't believe this place was his. There had to be a trick to it. How could someone like him afford a nice place like this? He heard Roy walk into the room. Turning to him, he gave him a confused look. "Roy...how? I mean this place is great! How can I afford it on what I make?" Walking over to a bookcase, Roy picked up photo album and set it down on the coffee table in front of a large overstuffed sofa. Opening it, he pointed at the pictures. "Here's what it looked like when you first bought it." Sitting next to Roy, Gage listened to him as he described all the things he'd done to the house. There were pictures of the rooms as they were redone. There were group photos at the end showing him along with all of his station mates as they did repair work on the roof. "Man, this place was a real dump before I got to it." Roy shook his head and shot him a wry grin. "Yeah, it was, but you wouldn't admit it back then. You said it only needed a little TLC for it to be a great place to live in." Gage snorted. "A little? I bet I spent all of my free time for months working on it." "Just about." Standing he gave Roy a small smile. "You mind if I check the rest of the place out?" "No...go ahead, it's your house." Gage's smile widened. "Yeah. It is." Making his way around the lower level, he checked out the kitchen, amazed that he had a fully stocked pantry. Since when did he keep food in the fridge? Hell, now he had a pantry! He had a mudroom and a laundry room on the lower level as well as a bathroom. He shook his head at the obvious feminine touches. "Hey Roy...who did this?" Roy peeked into the bathroom and smiled. "Joanne did. You gave her carte blanche in decorating it." "I did?" "Yeah, you did." "Huh." Roy could see the wheels turning in Gage's head, wishing he could read his mind. "I'm gonna' go upstairs now, you wanna' go with me?" "Sure, lead the way." He followed Gage as he went upstairs and through the rooms. It was obvious that even though he hadn't been in the house as far as his memory was concerned, he instinctively knew his way around the place. His steps slowed as he entered the master bedroom. Picking up a photo resting on the dresser, he turned to Roy and frowned. "Did anyone call my dad and let him know what happened to me?" Roy felt his throat close up. He hadn't even given it a thought. His silence spoke volumes. Gage rubbed at the picture frame with his thumbs, knowing what Roy was about to tell him. Taking a deep breath, he sat down on the bed and stared at the picture. His father looked tall and strong, his profile so like his son's, yet different. "What happened to him?" Clearing his throat, Roy walked over to where Gage sat. It was bad enough to have seen his friend suffer through this once. It wasn't right, but because of the circumstances, he had to tell him. "Your dad...he died about two years ago." Gage gripped the frame until his knuckles turned white. His voice was tight. "How?" Roy didn't want to do this. What could he do to get out of telling him what had happened? "Johnny, maybe we should ask Doctor Brackett if..." Gage looked up and glared at him. "I don't need his permission to hear how my dad died." Roy knew Gage was right, he was just hoping to delay the inevitable. "He was killed in a car accident." Closing his eyes, Gage swallowed hard. His dad was gone. Dead and gone over two years ago and he couldn't remember anything about it. "How'd it happen?" "It was snowing...a semi lost control on the highway. They said he died instantly." Visions of his dad being crushed beneath a mac truck invaded his thoughts. Taking one last look at the smiling image of his dad, he set the photo back down on the dresser. Without saying a word, he stood and pushed past Roy. Half running down the stairs, he rushed out of the house. Any of the joy he had felt from seeing the house had been sucked away. Taking deep gulping breaths, he headed toward the barn, trying to escape the feelings of anger and hurt. Unlocking the door, he shoved it open and stepped into the quiet retreat of the barn. His heart sank even further. It was empty. No hay, no horses, nothing but empty space. A motion drew his attention to his left. Squinting, he walked closer to it. Without warning a cat trotted into view, meowing as it saw him. "Oscar?" Bending down, Gage held his hand out to the large orange tabby. It came right to him and rubbed its head into his palm. A smile spread across his face and he picked the cat up, cuddling it to his chest. Roy walked into the barn and saw him holding a cat. He cocked his head to the side. When did Gage get a cat? "You never told me you had a cat." "Oscar isn't 'my' cat. You can never own a cat. They own you." Roy's mouth dropped open. Gage was completely oblivious to what he was saying. "Johnny. You remembered the cat." He looked up from the orange ball of fur in his arms. "I did what?" Roy gestured at the cat. "The cat. You called him Oscar. You knew his name." "So?" "Johnny, as far as I know, you don't own a cat." "I don't? Then whose is it and why do I know his name?" "I don't know, but we'll ask your neighbors. Maybe they'll be able to shed some light on this." Gage smiled down at the cat as it purred loudly. It looked like he finally remembered a piece of his past. ******************************** Walking out of the barn, Gage reluctantly placed the cat on the ground. As he locked the door, he could feel Oscar rubbing in and around his legs. Kneeling down, he rubbed the large tabby under the chin. It felt good to be able to connect to something that didn't have any expectations from him. This small creature couldn't talk and remind him how little he knew about it. A soft word or a rub would make it happy. As they made their way back to the house, he could feel himself tensing. How long had he owned the place? Did his dad ever get the chance to see it? He could feel deep within himself that he hadn't. There would have been subtle differences in the structure if he had. Gage may have been handy with woodwork, but his dad was a master carver. Stepping into the kitchen, Roy picked up the phone and dialed a number. "Uh, Mr. Nicolas? This is Roy DeSoto. Yes. Yes, he's right here. No, he hasn't gotten it back yet, but...uh huh. Do you know if Johnny owns a cat?" Gage watched as Roy began smiling. "You have? Thank you. I'm sure he'll tell you the next time he sees you. Okay. Thanks a lot. 'Bye." Hanging the phone up, he gave Gage another smile. "Yes, the cat is yours and his name 'is' Oscar. Mr. Nicolas said he's been feeding him these past few days." At the sound of his name, Oscar let out a loud meow. Gage walked over to the refrigerator and rummaged through it. Taking a bowl out, he sniffed it, then set it down on the floor. Oscar trotted over and dug into the leftovers. Roy made a face. "What is that?" "I think its liver pate." "You eat that?" Gage looked down at the bowl and frowned as he shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know." Roy could see that this small admission upset him. Except for the discovery of Oscar, nothing here had rattled any of his memories. Looking at his watch, Roy decided they would be better off going home. "Do you maybe want to stop and have lunch some where before we head back?" Gage's eyes never left the cat as he spoke. "I guess so. It beats eating that stuff." ************************* Taking the bowl outside on the porch, Gage gave Oscar a few final strokes before they got into the Porsche. As Roy drove down the lane, he watched Gage out of the corner of his eye. His friend was looking over his shoulder at the house. His face was a mixture of pride and confusion. As he turned to face forward, he raked a hand through his hair before leaning back in the seat. Roy could see the stress of this small trip weighed heavily on him. He could only imagine the feelings that Gage was having. Sorrow over his father's death. Disappointment at not remembering anything about his home. Elation at remembering he had a cat. The cat was a small step in the right direction. Maybe it would be the crack that would open the floodgates to his mind. Or maybe it would only be the first of small trickles that would dry up and not amount to anything. *************************** Wiping his hands on a napkin, Gage leaned back and smiled as he patted his stomach. "Man, that was one fine burger." He looked over at Roy's plate of French fries. "Are you gonna' finish them?" Roy stopped chewing his sandwich. How could Gage eat so much so fast was beyond him. He should have been use to his endless appetite by now, but it never ceased to amaze him. "No...go ahead." Grabbing a few fries, he jammed them in his mouth. With his mouth stuffed full, he almost opened it to talk, but stopped. Roy didn't like him talking with his mouth full and had nagged him about it over and over. As soon as he thought it, Gage opened his mouth and yelled. "Wou don' wike mhe talkkin' wiwh meh mowh fuwl!!!" Roy choked on his food and began coughing. Gage quickly stood up and came around to pound him on the back. Both men swallowed the food they had and looked at each other. Gage was smiling and Roy was glaring at him. "What in the heck is wrong with you?!" "You don't like it when I talk with my mouth full." "No, I don't. I've been trying to get you to stop it for years." Gage's smile grew wider and Roy looked blankly back at him. Gage's smile faded, then came back. "You...don't...like...it..." He motioned his hand at Roy who finally got what he meant. "When you talk with your mouth full." Gage slapped him on the shoulder. "Exactly!" Grinning like an idiot, he flopped back down and grabbed another handful of fries and jammed them in his mouth. Chewing them...with his mouth closed...he kept smiling at Roy who was smiling back at him like an idiot. Two memories had come to him in the past few hours. Maybe things weren't going to be that bad after all. ************************* Joanne could tell that something good had happened the moment they came into the house. There was something about the way Gage bounced into the room that reminded her of how he usually acted before the accident. The moment he looked at her, he immediately froze, then looked away from her. He only remembered their relationship as it had been at the beginning. Looking him over, she knew they'd need some time alone to talk. At least with Roy, Johnny remembered him and knew where he stood in a sense. With her, all he could recall was how cold she use to be around him. She felt herself regretting her initial reactions to Gage all those years ago. If she hadn't ignored him the way she had, they would have had some type of relationship to work with. Luckily Roy gave her the opening she needed. "Honey, I'm going to cut the grass." "It needs it." She turned to Gage. "While he's doing that, could you help me with dinner? I have a ton of potatoes to peel." He gave Roy a wary look. "It's okay Johnny, you help her all the time." Roy knew it was a lie the moment the words left his mouth. Usually Gage would help him in the yard, but he could tell Joanne was trying to get back 'her' Johnny as well. "Oh. Okay...I guess. I mean all right." She watched Gage out of the corner of her eye as she opened the refrigerator. She could tell that being alone with her in the kitchen was the last place he wanted to be. Looking over her shoulder, she smiled. "The potatoes are in the basket under that counter and a knife is in that drawer." Gage didn't smile back at her. He went directly to work on the potatoes, keeping his eyes downcast. Roy gave her a small shrug and exited the kitchen. As she moved around the small room, Joanne knew she'd have to be the one to start any form of communication. "So what did you and Roy do at your house?" After a few violent strokes on the potato in his hand, he spoke softly. "Nothin' much happened. I have a cat named Oscar. I remembered his name." "That's good." She paused for a second, knowing there was more to it. "And...?" He stopped peeling the potato and sat back looking her over. Shaking his head, he pointed the knife at her. "I don't help you in the kitchen do I?" "Weeeeell...you do help eat the food I cook." He snorted in what seemed like disgust, then set the peeled potato on the counter. Crossing his arms, he looked intently at her. He was blunt. "You don't really like me so why do you want me here?" Wiping her hands on the apron around her waist, she gave him a sad smile. "I'm sorry Johnny. I can't change how things were between us, but I can tell you this. You're special to me in a way no one else is. You're family. I'll admit it wasn't like that at first and it was my fault, but you and I...we share something special and I don't want to lose that." She could see his discomfort grow by leaps and bounds as she spoke. Raking a hand through his hair, he looked down at the floor. When he looked back up at her, she could see how upset he was, how unsure. "Mrs. DeSoto..." "Joanne." He took a deep breath. "Joanne...I don't..." He laughed nervously. "I don't remember...well you know that...but you and I...I tried, I mean I really tried to get you to like me, but you didn't want to be bothered. What made you change your mind?" Leaning against the counter, she looked him over and smiled. "You changed my mind." "How?" Grabbing an onion, she began slicing it into a bowl. "It took a while for me to figure you out. The first time I met you was at 'that' party." She gave him a meaningful look. He shrugged his shoulders, not really understanding the way he had acted had been wrong. "Well after that I really didn't think much of you." Gage snorted and dropped the knife on the table, looking like he was going to leave the room. She stopped slicing the onion and raised her voice slightly. "Johnny, don't go." Rinsing her hands off, she moved to stand at the table across from him, feeling frustrated and angry. It was like someone she knew had died. "I judged you on that first meeting. I didn't want to give you a chance and with some of the things Roy would tell me that went on at the station...well... they didn't help matters any." "What exactly did he tell you?" She chuckled lightly. "Oh let's see. Chet and you arguing every single shift about stupid little things. The water bombs, the crazy schemes. Some of the tangents you'd go off on. I think Roy felt that if I knew more about you, I'd see the man he saw." She could tell that the more she talked, the deeper the hole she was digging. So far she hadn't really said anything nice about him. "It was a lot of things that made me change my mind about you. You always made sure Roy was safe. I knew that no matter what, you'd be there to help him in any way that you could, on or off the job. Once my eyes were opened to that, I began to see what Roy saw. A man who would do anything for you if you gave him half the chance." This time Gage looked away from her in embarrassment, not irritation. "See, there you go again." He looked back at her, his expression slightly confused. "You can never except a complement." He shrugged his shoulders. "I guess I'm not use to 'em." "Maybe you weren't then, but you are now. You may not be able to remember, but you have a lot of friends. You've helped so many people Johnny and they don't forget that." He pushed away from the chair top he was gripping and paced across the room. "Okay, so I'm mister helpful and an all-around nice guy. It doesn't do me any good to know this if I can't remember anything." Joanne walked over to where he leaned against the counter and rested a hand on his shoulder. "Even if you don't remember, we do." "But what happens if I never remember? What happens to me? I don't want to go through the training again, I shouldn't have to. I know my job." He spit the words out angrily and moved away from her. Taking a deep breath, she resisted the urge to yell at him. Then it hit her. Maybe she shouldn't coddle him. Maybe everyone was tiptoeing around, hoping that if they took it easy, the memories would come back. What if he didn't remember anything but the name of a cat? "You know, the John Gage, I know wouldn't whine about having something bad happen to him. He'd get up, dust himself off and get on with his life." Wheeling around to face her, his eyes narrowed in anger as he tapped a hand on his chest. "Well this John Gage is tired of fighting. I'm tired of having to start over. I'm tired of moving around and not getting anywhere. I read the charts ya' know. I dug around in my files, Roy's shown me some things and I want that life, not the one I use to have. Hell, I have a house, a great job...my dad never had that at my age." "Johnny you still have those things." "What good is it to have any of it if I can't remember how I got them? What happens if I have to go through the paramedic training again? Who's going to pay my mortgage while I'm doing that?" "I don't know. I guess there has to be some type of assistance or aid..." Gage shook his head no. "Oh no! I'm not taking charity. My dad never did and neither am I." "Johnny, it's not charity, it's being smart. When you need help, you take it. When you get back on your feet, then you can work on paying it back." He shook his head again, not liking the idea. "If you don't mind, I think I'll go help Roy in the yard." Without giving her the chance to answer him, he walked out the door leaving her standing alone in the kitchen. Moving over to the window she watched him as he stalked across the lawn, heading toward the tool shed. With a resigned sigh, she picked up a half-peeled potato up and frowned. She still had the rest of the week to convince him that things would work out, no matter what.  Now if only she could convince herself. ************************* Staring at the plate of food before him, Gage moved the peas listlessly to one side while piling the mashed potatoes beside them. He poked at the piece of chicken, not really wanting to eat it. His stomach was tied in a knot, achy and tight. The last thing he wanted to do was sit at the table with the DeSotos and eat a meal with them. "Uncle Johnny, how come you're not eatin'?" He glanced briefly at Jennifer, then quickly away. Every time he looked at her, he felt guilt or remorse. Everyone told him how much he meant to the little girl and not remembering her was like he was doing something wrong. "I just not very hungry tonight." Jennifer's childish giggle caught him off guard. "Not uh! You're always hungry!" He glanced up to see her smiling teasingly at him. He found himself grinning back at her. "Well, sometimes I am. Do you remember that time you had the flu and you wouldn't even eat the pie I brought over?" "Yeah, but I was sick. There's nothin' wrong with you." "Sweetheart, sometimes you don't have to be sick to lose your appetite." "Then what's makin' you not want to eat?" Tapping his fork on his plate, Gage chewed thoughtfully at his lower lip. "Okay...do you remember when you got sick before your ballet recital last year?" "Uh huh." "Well, that's how I feel right now." "But you're with us. Why would you feel bad?" He paused again to think and as he did it, he noticed Roy, Joanne and Chris staring at him and Jennifer with big smiles on their faces. "Okay, what's so funny?" Roy's smile grew wider. "Have you been listening to yourself?" "Huh?" "You're talking about things that have happened in the past two years." Gage gave him an annoyed look. "So." "Johnny...the past two years." He sat motionless for a moment, replaying the discussion he had with Jennifer. Images and small incidents flickered briefly in his mind, then they faded. The harder he tried to remember more details, the more frustrated he became. Roy watched as the look of recognition on Gage's face slowly turned into one of frustration. He could see him beginning to breathe faster, his jaw tightening in anger. "It's okay Johnny. You're getting it back, bit by bit." Everyone at the table jumped when he slammed his fork down and it bounced to the floor. "No, it's not okay! Why can I remember stupid things like her not eating pie, but I can't remember anything else?!" Pushing the chair back, he stood. "I'm goin' out. I'll be back later." He stomped away from the table and headed toward the living room. Joanne got up and picked the fork up from the carpet and placed it on the table as the front door slammed shut. "Roy, could you go with him?" "Honey, I think he needs time alone to cool off." She smirked as she spoke. "I agree, but he might not remember how to get back here after he's done throwing his tantrum." Chris' mouth dropped open in surprise. "Mom!" Roy couldn't help grinning at her choice of words. "Okay, I'll go after him...Mom." ************************* As he left the house, Roy hoped that Gage hadn't decided to run because if he did, there'd be no way he could catch him. Stepping onto the sidewalk, he breathed a sigh of relief as he spied his friend trudging down the street. As he started down the walkway, he wondered just how much of a tantrum Gage would throw once he caught up to him. Jogging a bit, he slowed down to a walk as he came beside Gage. Just like he thought would happen, he was ignored. They walked side by side, neither man speaking. The quick pace that they set soon slowed down to a meandering stroll. The more they walked the less tense Gage seemed to be. When Roy felt that the chances of him going off half-cocked were less than likely, he spoke. "I know you're frustrated Johnny, but at least you're starting to remember some more things." Gage snorted in disgust. "Cats, habits and pies. Whoopie." "It's better than nothing." Gage stopped walking and wheeled around to face him. "It might as well 'be' nothing! Why can't I remember something important?! Why can't I remember a rescue or Captain Stanley? I didn't even know I had a house. A house! I got a friggin' house!" Roy remained calm. "It's a nice house." "Well...yeah it's nice, but I don't remember getting' it or fixin' it up." Gage began to pace back and forth as he ran a hand through his hair. "It's like someone's flickin' an on and off switch. The light goes on, the light goes off. On off on off. It's drivin' me nuts!" "Johnny..." "Every time I look up I see your little girl staring at me with that sad face of hers. I turn around and I see your wife checking me out." Roy smirked. "She's checking you out?" Gage made a face and waved a hand in irritation at him. "Oh, you know what I mean. She's lookin' at me like she's expecting something." Roy crossed his arms and gave him a thoughtful look. Joanne said they should be more blunt. That maybe it would help. Maybe he should try and see if she were right. "You know Johnny, you're being really self-centered about this. It's all about you. Poor Johnny, he can't remember anything that's happened in the past few years." Roy placed a hand on his chest, patting it to emphasize his point. "What about me? What about Joanne? How about Cap, Jennifer, Chris and the rest of the people who know you? You're not the only one whose been affected by your memory loss. There are people that really care about you who find themselves a nobody to you. How do you think they feel?" Gage stared back at him, his expression first shocked, then it slowly chanced to one of guilt and remorse. Just as quickly it turned to anger. "Well it's not my fault! I didn't ask for the floor to collapse. I didn't ask to be trapped underwater. I didn't ask to...to..." "To what Johnny?" "Die. Okay, I didn't ask to die and I didn't ask to be brought back this way. It's not my fault." "It's no ones fault, that's the point. It was an accident, pure and simple. You're lucky to be here and we're lucky to have you back, but that doesn't give you the excuse to yell at everyone every time you can't remember something." Gage snorted again. "Well, if my getting upset bothers you so much, then how about you take me back to my house? If you recall, I didn't ask for you to take me to your place." Roy's voice was bland. "Of course I remember, I'm not the one with the memory loss." Gage looked at him like he had been slapped. His mouth opened, then closed, his expression hurt. "Look Johnny...this isn't going to be easy. You may or may not get your memory back, but I have to...we have to try and get it back. I wanted you to come home with me so that we could have some time together. I can show you things and take you places. Maybe something will jar that thick head of yours and things will come back to you. Just give me the chance to at least try." Gage knew that Roy was right. The man had been bending over backwards since the moment he had woke in the hospital. The sliver of friendship that they had developed that first year together must have bonded into one so strong that he would be willing to do anything for him. It was almost like having a brother. All the frustration he was feeling was still there, but it was now tempered by a feeling of warmth. He did belong somewhere. He had a place in life no matter what was going to happen. He knew that Roy wouldn't desert him even if he never did regain his memories and something deep inside of him told him that the same would be with the rest of the DeSoto family. "I'm willing to give it a shot if you are." Roy began grinning and he felt himself smiling back at him. Without thinking, they turned together and started heading back to the house. "So do you think maybe tomorrow you'd be up to a visit to the station?" Gage pursed his lips, then shook his head yes, then he frowned slightly. "Does Chet still do those stupid water bombs?" Roy chuckled. "Yes he does." "And does he still do them to me?" "All the time." "You would've thought he'd get tired of doin' 'em." "No...not when you still fall for them." ************************* For the second day in a row he found himself driving along with Roy. For the second day in a row he also felt queasy. Everything that he knew to be normal was now turned upside down. The man in the seat next to him was still his partner, but the relationship that he remembered had changed. They had become more than partners, they were close friends. Friend. He mulled the word over his tongue, tasting it. It had been a long time since he had someone close enough to him that he could consider them a friend. Sure he had acquaintances, but there wasn't one person that he could truly consider a friend that he could trust. There wasn't one person who he could rely on to stand beside him when he needed them. He liked the idea that he'd finally found someone that he could turn to when he was in doubt of how he felt about things. The only problem with this friendship is he didn't know just how much the man next to him knew about his life. Did he trust Roy enough to tell him all that he had gone through or had he become friends and still managed to hide who he was? Glancing across the small space of the car, he looked at Roy, wondering just what their relationship was truly like. Judging by the past few days, he knew it had to be something special. No one other than his aunt had ever opened their home to him. No one had welcomed him unconditionally. In Roy's home, he found himself the focal point. There were four people who cared how he felt. Four people who felt as if they had lost something to the point that he could see the desperation beginning to appear on their faces when he couldn't remember a small insignificant detail from the past. So here he was driving up to the station that he thought he'd been going to for the past year when in fact it had been almost four years. His heart rate began to pick up as he spied the flag waving gently in the morning breeze. Normally he and Roy would have been going over the supplies and checking in with Rampart. Now he wondered if he would get to go back to the job he loved or would he be forced to go through the paramedic training again. As they pulled into the parking lot, he found himself relaxing. This was home, not the house he had visited yesterday. The apartment that he use to live in was just a place where he slept while not on duty. The station was where he truly lived. Where his life actually had some sort of meaning. As the engine cut off on the Porsche, Roy turned to him. He was giving him that look again. He smiled easily back. This was one place that he knew he'd remember. Sure he probably wasn't going to recall small details, but at least he knew the station couldn't have changed all that much. As they walked into the kitchen of the station, he glanced quickly around the room. Nope, nothing had changed. The same refrigerator, the same stove, the same walls. It was exactly as he had remembered it. The people in the room were the same too except for the small changes in their physical appearances. Marco and Chet were sitting at the table drinking coffee. Mike was at the stove making what appeared to be an omelet. Chet looked up and gave him the once over. He wanted to snap at him to knock it off. He was tired of people looking at him like he was a freak. It wasn't like he had died or something. Well...yeah he 'had' died, but not for long so it didn't really count. "Chet, knock it off." "Huh? Knock what off? What am I doing?" "Between you and everyone else, I'm getting tired of the looks of pity you're givin' me." Chet sat up a bit straighter. Cap had warned him to not jerk Gage around, but when his favorite pigeon instigated a confrontation, then he was fair game. "John, it's not pity we're giving you, we just can't believe you're getting time off for forgetting stuff. I mean you forgot things all the time before. It's normal for you." "What?" Chet smirked at Marco. "See now he's pretending he's losing his hearing." He turned back to Gage and shook his head in disapproval. "You need to quit faking it and get back to work." Gage stared back at him, then to Chet's surprise he smiled. "Chet, I can always count on you to be a jerk, but for once I'm glad you are." Before Chet could respond, Cap walked into the kitchen. Feeling more than a bit awkward, he walked over to Gage and held his hand out. "Since you don't remember me, let me introduce myself. I'm Hank Stanley." He felt a little more than weird as he took the offered hand in his own. Stanley's grip was firm, which immediately made him feel better for some reason. "Hi...uh...you kinda' already know me I guess." Stanley chuckled lightly. "That I do." The awkward feeling came back as they stood before one another not knowing what to say next. Clapping his hands together, Stanley solved the problem. "You might as well take a look around the station. The squad's out on a run and I have no idea how long they'll be gone." Gage couldn't help sounding disappointed. "What kind of call was it?" "Unknown rescue." "Yeah, I guess you wouldn't know when they're gettin' back would you." Roy walked up to them and gestured out toward the bay. "After you." As they walked out of the kitchen, Chet frowned. "He's not going to remember anything is he?" Marco nudged him. "Stop thinking so negative." "Okay...I'm positive he's not going to get his memory back. How's that?" "You're not funny you know." Mike came over to the table and sat down with his omelet. Poking at it with a fork, he looked at them seriously. "At least the Phantom's old pranks will be new to him then." Stanley smiled and headed toward the coffee. Only Mike would think of something off the wall like that. ************************* Walking up to the engine, Gage ran a hand lightly over the shiny red surface. Grasping one of the railings at the rear, he pulled himself up and stood on the backboard. Closing his eyes, he got an image of himself riding on the back of another engine, the wind whipping across his face, the sirens blaring. He could remember all his years in the department before coming to 51s so why in the hell couldn't he remember the past few years? Thumping a hand on the red painted metal, he pushed away and hopped off. He knew Roy could tell he was getting frustrated again and he didn't want to deal with another pity party. Walking away from him, he headed toward the dorm. He went directly to his bunk and sat down. Resting his face in his hands, he leaned forward and took a few deep breaths. He could feel the memories edging forward, then darting away just before he could grab a hold of them. He jumped to his feet, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. Each time he thought something good would happen, he was left feeling empty. As Roy walked in and came toward him, he turned away and headed to the locker room. Going to his locker, he jerked the door open and stared at the small poster of Smoky the Bear taped to it. His eyes trailed over the few pictures that now joined the poster. One of him, Chris and Jennifer at what appeared to be one of the fireman's picnics. He had his arms around them, all three of them smiling broadly. Another picture was of him and Roy standing in front of an old engine, dressed in old style firefighter's uniforms. Roy came up behind him and pointed at the photo. "We kind of made it our special project." Pulling the photo from the door, Gage stared hard at it, willing himself to remember something, anything about it. A gray edged thought faded in and out, then snapped into perfect clarity. He frowned and slapped the picture in the palm of his hand. "All that work and we never even got to the parade. Can you believe our luck?" Roy grinned back at him. One memory down, a thousand more to go. "Yeah, we put all that work into it only to have the wall of the building damage it." Patting the photo back onto the door, Gage frowned. "We'll get it fixed up eventually. Money's just tight right now, that's all." As suddenly as the memory came, the additional details began to fade. Closing his locker with a slam, he resisted the urge to punch the door. "So what's changed with our job? Is everything so different that you think I'll have to go through retraining?" Roy was caught off guard by the sudden questions. "I uh...I don't know. Things have changed, but as far as them being so different...I can't say." "Do you think they'll just let me retest the written portion or will I be stuck going through the program again?" "Johnny, I don't know. It'll be up to the department." "The department." He snorted. "If they handle my case the way they handle everything else, I'll be up for retirement by the time they decide what to do." Exhaling loudly, he looked around the room wondering when and if he'd get his old position back. "I guess I'm done here." "Done?" "Yeah, done. I mean it's not like I got my memory back or anything by coming here, so we might as well go." "Where do you want to go?" "I don't know, where do we go when we're not here?" "Home." "Your place?" "Yes." "Don't we go to a bar or pool hall?" "No." "You're kidding? What in the heck do we do at your place all the time?" "Mow the lawn, sit on the deck, house repairs." "What do we do for fun?" Roy had to think for a second. Fun? Was playing lawn dart with the kids considered fun to Gage now? "Well, we play cards some times, the kids'll play yard games..." "Wait a minute. You're telling me we don't go out and play pool or darts? We play in the yard with your kids?" "Well...yeah." "I do this stuff?" "Uh huh." "Willingly?" "Yes." Placing his hands on his hips, Gage frowned. For some reason he was finding it hard to believe that he'd be into the domestic type of life. "Let's go play some pool." "Pool?" "Yeah Roy. You know...cue sticks, little round balls that you hit into pockets. Pool." A touch of sarcasm slipped into Roy's voice. "I know what pool is, I just didn't know you liked to play it." Gage gave Roy a hard look. They may have been friends, but apparently he didn't tell Roy everything. Their relationship wasn't what he had hoped it would be. Then again, what did he expect? Every time he trusted someone they ended up letting him down. Apparently he had given up on totally trusting someone, even the man before him. "How about I show you how much I like it?" Roy looked at his watch. "Isn't it a bit early to be going to a bar?" "We're gonna' play pool, not drink. There's a difference." Roy paused for a second before answering. He didn't know if Joanne would like him going to a pool hall. Then again, maybe going out would be a good idea. Everything else they had done so far had only managed to leave Gage frustrated and angry. Maybe taking some time off to do something totally meaningless would help. He only hoped Joanne wouldn't blow a gasket when she found out where they had gone. "Okay...we'll go play pool." Gage finally smiled. "Good deal." The tones sounded and they automatically headed for the bay. They pulled up short remembering that they weren't on duty. They watched in silence as Cap, Chet, Marco and Mike took their places on the engine and sped away from the station. Standing in the empty bay, Gage could feel a dark mood settling over him. For some reason he knew getting his old position back wasn't going to be as simple as taking an exam. ************************* Roy looked around half expecting to see Joanne glaring at him from the doorway. Nervously twisting the cue stick in his hands, he watched Gage as he sunk another ball into the pocket of the pool table. He couldn't believe he was at a pool hall. Even when he was single he never went to one and when he got married he didn't give it a thought. Gage seemed to completely at ease in their surroundings, something that shouldn't have surprised him, but did. He'd known him for a little more than four years and not once had Gage ever mentioned that he loved playing pool. Not once did he suggest they go out and shoot a few games. Now that they were here, Roy found himself wondering what the big secret had been. Why hadn't he ever mentioned it? Glancing at his watch, Gage frowned. It was only ten o'clock. He knew if he got a beer Roy would freak. He knew his type. The middle class American white bread family man who wouldn't dream of drinking a beer before noon. If Roy knew he drank an occasional beer with breakfast, Gage knew he would have been appalled. When he was growing up on the rez, it wasn't unusual to see people drinking before noon. The problem was too many of those drinkers didn't know when to stop. His father had taught him that one beer was European, two beers meant you were a drunk. So no matter what, he'd never drink more than one beer before noon, but still people would see him as having a drinking problem. Looking at Roy, he smiled. The man didn't know how to relax. If he whipped around and smacked his cue stick on the table's edge, Roy would probably piss himself. He knew the exact reason for his edginess. He had a wife. A wife was nothing more than a ball and chain as far as he was concerned. They nagged and laid guilt trips. He was relieved to find out he wasn't married. Lining up another ball, he sharply dropped it into a side pocket. If he had a wife, he wouldn't be here right now enjoying himself. Instead he would have probably been at home doing some stupid chore that could be put off for later. He paused for a second. If he had a wife, he wouldn't have to do laundry or make his own meals. The best benefit would be the sex. He frowned again as he lined up another ball. Sure it would be nice to have constant access to sex, but didn't he have that already? And with a different woman every few weeks? Would it become boring with just one woman? He looked hard at Roy. He didn't seem to be bored with Joanne, but then again as far as he knew, neither one of them had been with anyone else to compare what they had with one another. Sinking another ball, he thought of his own experiences and a smile quickly made its way back to his face. Roy would freak again if he knew just how many of his dates ended in bed...sometimes in the car...sometimes on the car. He smothered a snicker as he thought about what Roy would think of him if he knew he'd been involved in a threesome with a couple of stewardesses only last week. He stood suddenly and struggled to think. Was it last week in this year or last week over three years ago? Closing his eyes, he tried to visualize how he looked at the time, but all he could remember was what the two women had looked like as they danced naked above him. "Johnny, are you okay?" "Huh? What?" "Are you okay?" "Yeah...yeah. Um Roy...have I been dating any stewardesses lately?" "Not that I know of. You'd been seeing a nurse at Rampart for the past two months, but she kind of decided to call it quits." "You mean she dumped me." "Well...yeah." "It's okay. She probably was wanting me to commit to a relationship or something." "You're not upset?" "Nah. It just means I'll have to look around for a new one." He smirked at Roy, then he quickly wiped the look off his face when he noticed that Roy didn't seem amused. Turning back to the pool table, he wondered just how they had ever become best friends. They obviously didn't have much in common. Roy was married, he wasn't. Roy like to do homey stuff, he didn't. Roy's idea of sex was probably doing the missionary position so his soul wouldn't rot in hell. How had he ended up spending all of his time with a guy that was as bland as a vanilla milkshake? Going back to the table, he lined up another ball and sighed. It was going to be a long morning. ************************* By the time they left the pool hall Gage felt relaxed for the first time all week. Looking across the interior of the car, he couldn't say the same for Roy. The man looked tense. He knew Joanne could be a real bitch, he had first hand experience, but was she really so bad at home that she could make Roy fear her? Was he really that henpecked or was he just a big worrywart? As they drove along the highway and made their way back home, he took in the sights. Some things brought back memories others were just buildings and roads that were like a million others he'd seen. Passing a gas station, he got a vision of attending to a heart attack victim. As soon as that memory faded another took its place. Closing his eyes to the images that flew by, he concentrated on those that were appearing in his mind. It seemed that each time he remembered something he'd get more details than before. The only bad part was the majority of those memories seemed to be work related. Things about his life outside the job seemed to not want to come back. ************************* Driving down the highway, he gripped the steering wheel tightly. What if Joanne smelled the beer on them? Would she be upset that he had gone out to a bar early in the day? What would she think about him being at a pool hall? He knew she never liked them when they were dating. Maybe she wouldn't care because Johnny suggested it. Maybe...maybe he needed to quit worrying so much. Loosening his grip, he looked to his right. Gage had leaned back in the seat and had his eyes closed. At first he thought he was asleep, but when he opened his eyes and looked at store to their right he definitely wasn't. Gage seemed the opposite of how he felt. His posture was completely relaxed, his expression thoughtful. Roy found himself wondering how he would have reacted had he been the one to lose his memory. What would it have been like to wake up and find out that a whole chunk of his life had disappeared? Thinking about all the things he would have missed...Jennifer's dance recitals, Chris learning how to finally slide into second base. All his days and nights with Joanne. No wonder Gage's moods swung from high to low from moment to moment. The frustrations at not being able to recall people and places. The irritation at not remembering details of a picnic that he'd been to only a few weeks ago. No, Roy didn't know how he'd react, but he did know that he'd want to get back to some type of normal life as soon as possible. The moment he thought it, he finally understood the looks of irritation that he'd been getting from the man beside him. They all wanted Gage to remember so they could get things back to normal. Well Gage was probably thinking the same thing, except his idea of normal wasn't like theirs. They wanted something that was gone and looked like it was never coming back. Maybe it was time to let go of the past and concentrate on the future. When Gage asked to go home again, maybe he'd take him. Nothing was being accomplished by keeping him captive. Joanne and the kids were getting upset on a daily basis. Hell, he was waking up with a tight chest each morning. Yes...it was time to move on. It was time to see if they could rebuild the friendship they once had. The only problem with this...would Gage want to re-establish that relationship? ************************* Joanne heard the car pull into the driveway and looked at the clock on the wall. It was almost two-thirty. She knew they hadn't spent all day at the station. Folding a towel, she resisted the urge to run out to the kitchen to greet them. She didn't want to smother Gage. She could tell her constant attentions were irritating him and she couldn't blame him. He had no idea how close they had become and how much she missed talking to him about every day things. Picking up a pair of boxers, she held them by the elastic waistband and smirked. They were so small compared to Roy's. It was like a teenager living in the house rather than a grown man. Gage ate like a kid and burned off the calories like a kid while Roy had to diet and cut back to remain at a normal weight. Folding the boxers, she set them in one of the five piles of clothes. She knew Gage would be angry that she did his laundry, but it was easier to do a huge load than to have him do his separately. As she finished folding the remaining clothes, she heard the back door open and close, then the sounds of their voices reached her. Gage was talking about a rescue, the excitement in his voice made her hopeful, then his voice grew softer and it was tinged with confusion. Roy's answer was the standard. It was okay. You're remembering more than before. With a sigh she placed the last folded shirt down. Nothing was happening. Gage wasn't remembering things any better than he had the entire week. Maybe it was time to give up. Maybe they should let go of any hopes of him getting his memories back. Picking up Gage's clothes, she headed out to the kitchen and made a beeline to him. "Well I see you two finally made it home." Trying to act as casual as possible, she handed Gage his things. "I hope you don't mind, but I figured as long as I was doing the laundry, I might as well do yours." Looking at the clothes in his arms, Gage could feel himself blushing. His underwear was right on top of the pile. She'd been handling his underwear. He wanted to yell at her for doing it, but another part of him felt warm and fuzzy at having someone do something for him. He wasn't use to being taken care of and Joanne seemed to love making sure his life was easier than he could remember. How could he be mad at someone who actually cared about him? "Uh...no...it's no problem. Thank you for washing them...my clothes." "You're welcome Johnny." Walking over to Roy, she reached up and gave him a quick kiss. As she pulled back, she eyed him. Was that beer she smelled? Then she noticed how tense Roy seemed. Had he and Gage gone to a nudie bar? No. There was no way her husband would ever do that no matter what. Or would he? Taking a closer look at him, she figured out where they had been. The telltale blue chalk marks on Roy's clothes were a dead giveaway. They'd been playing pool. She frowned for a moment, then brushed it off. Why worry? It wasn't like Roy was going to be hanging around the pool hall all the time. She knew Gage had to have suggested them going there. She remembered him telling her one time how he liked playing pool, but never seemed to have the time to do it. "Any suggestions for dinner?" Gage gave her a small grin. "Hamburgers." Roy groaned and shook his head. "Don't you get enough of those at work?" "There's nothin' wrong with hamburgers. Besides, I'm sure Joanne's tired of cooking so maybe you and I could grill them." Did he just suggest to Roy that they grill them on the deck? What was wrong with him? When did he get so buddy buddy? "Sure...I guess we could do that? Jo?" Joanne couldn't help smiling. Dinner tonight would be more like old times. The five of them sitting on the deck, eating a nice picnic style dinner. "That sounds fine. I can make some potato salad and baked beans. Maybe I could run to the market and get some corn on the cob too. And dessert...does ice cream sound good to you?" "Ice cream sounds fine. Can we have hot fudge too?" "Sure Johnny. Roy do you have any favorites? Walnuts maybe? Cherries?" "Both." "Both it is." ************************* Dinner was better than she thought it would be. The food was perfect and best of all, Johnny was acting more like his old self, joking with the kids, bantering easily with Roy. The only let down for her was he still didn't seem to want to talk to her. He spoke to her when he needed something or when he wanted to tell her how good the food was, but beyond that he didn't speak to her. Brushing her hair, she looked over her shoulder at Roy as he lay on the bed reading a book. He felt her looking at him and raised his head giving her a devilish grin. "You coming to bed soon?" Biting the inside of her lip, she stood and slinked her way over to the bed. Taking the book from his hands, she dropped it on the nightstand. "Is this soon enough?" Any worries about the lack of conversation with Johnny were soon forgotten as she and Roy played one of their favorite bedtime games, the cop and the stranded driver. ************************* Down the hall Gage turned off the nightlight and slid under the covers. Dinner had been nice for a change. He didn't find himself feeling all that uncomfortable and the kids were fun instead of annoying. He still found it hard to talk with Joanne but as time went on maybe things wouldn't be as strained. Staring at the ceiling above him, he made a decision. Tomorrow when he made the trip to Rampart for his check up, he'd have a small talk with Brackett about when he could go back to work. He wanted to know now, not later, if he'd have to go through the paramedic program again. He knew the job inside and out, the problem would be convincing the powers that be that he could still do the job. ************************* Walking down the hall he looked at the people around him. Some he recognized other were complete strangers. A young nurse walked by and smiled broadly at him. Turning slightly, he followed her form as she walked away from him. If it weren't for the appointment with Brackett, he would have followed her to see if she knew him or not. If she did know him had they dated before? If she didn't know him, he would ask her out. Threading his way past a group of people mingling in front of the nurse's desk, he waved at Dixie who nodded at him while rolling her eyes. Some things never changed and for that he was grateful. Pushing the button, he waited for the elevator. A nurse came and stood by him, her expression peeved. Looking at her nametag, he gave her a concerned look. S. Smythe. Did he know her? Was she mad at him? He could feel the anger beginning in the pit of his stomach. How in the hell was he supposed to know who was his friend or who he had words with. He looked down at the nurse, his voice snippy. "Do I know you?" The woman started slightly, the miffed expression immediately disappearing. "What? Oh...yes you know me Johnny." "Are you mad at me or something?" "Why would I be mad at you?" "I don't know." He ran a hand through his hair, tousling it into a tangled mass. "You come over here looking mad and I don't know if you're mad at me or if I did something. Heck, I didn't even know if I knew you." A look of pity, which made him even more irritated, appeared on her face. "I heard about your accident. I'm really sorry. I hope you get your memory back soon." He stared down at her trying to not say something rude. He wasn't going to get his memory back and this was how his life was going to be from now on. One encounter after another of him not knowing whom he'd met or what he'd done. "Look, I gotta' go." Turning away from the nurse, he made his way down the hall to the stairwell, ignoring her as she called after him. When he was done his talk with Brackett, a visit with Dixie was in order. He was sick of the guessing games and if any one would know who he had met or dated at the hospital it would be her. Jogging up the stairs, he pushed open the door and walked into the hall. He made a beeline to Brackett's office. The door was open, so he knocked on the frame as he came into the room. Brackett looked up and waved him to a seat. "Come in and take a seat, I'll be with you in a moment." Turning back to some forms on his desk, Brackett scribbled a few notes then closed the folder before him. Gage could see his name on the tab of the folder and immediately tensed. His future was in that stupid manila folder and all it would take was Brackett's yea or nay for him to go back to work. Well, his word and the opinions of a few higher ups at headquarters. Brackett smiled at him and all Gage could think was he looked like a viper waiting to strike. "So how have you been feeling Johnny?" "Fine. I feel fine. When can I go back to work?" Brackett held a hand up. "Now hold on a minute. Let's take things one step at a time. Have you had any headaches? Blurred vision, trouble breathing? Have you had any type of chest pain?" Rubbing a hand along a jean clad thigh, Gage resisted the urge to lie. As much as he wanted to go back to work, if Brackett found out he hadn't told the truth about how he felt, he'd be in deep shit. "I've had a coupla' headaches, but other than that, I feel fine." Standing Brackett walked around the desk and nodded at him as he adjusted his stethoscope. "I'd like to check your lungs. We could go to an exam room, but if you wouldn't mind, we could do it here." "No I don't mind, go ahead." Brackett hesitated for a second. He wasn't use to Gage being so co-operative. Leaning over Gage, he began his exam. "Breathe in. Okay, take a deep breath. Again." He shifted to the other side of Gage's back. "Breathe. Again." He paused and frowned. "Breathe deep again." Gage knew something wasn't right by the look on Brackett's face. Pulling the stethoscope off, Brackett gave him an apologetic smile. "I'm sending you down for a full exam and blood work. Your left lung sounds a little tight." Unconsciously Gage ran a hand over the left side of his chest. Sure he had an occasional twinge of pain, but he wasn't sick. "I feel perfectly fine." Brackett smiled a real smile this time. This was more like the Gage he knew. "I'm sure it's nothing, but you did inhale contaminated water. You could have an infection and the last thing we want is you having a case of pneumonia." "Contaminated? No one said anything about the water having anything in it." "Johnny, the water you were in was flooding a room, it didn't come out of a bottle and you weren't in a tub. Either way, you had something foreign in your lungs and now your body is reacting to it. I had hoped that the antibiotics we had put you on would have prevented this, but apparently your body has other ideas." "Great, this just gets better and better." Brackett gave him serious look. "You know you're really a lucky man." "Lucky?! I drowned, I can't remember stuff that happened for the past few years and you call that lucky?" "Yes, I do. You could be dead. You could be paralyzed or in coma. How many rescues have you gone on where a drowning victim wasn't revived? Yes Johnny, I'd say you're very lucky." Gage knew Brackett was right, but he was in a mood to sulk. "Well I don't feel lucky." Shaking his head, Brackett pointed to the door. "I'll call down and they'll have an exam room ready and waiting. After they do the tests, you can wait for the results. I'd like to know what's wrong so we can start immediate treatment." "Great. This is just great." Pushing out of the chair, Gage stalked out of Brackett's office. As he made his way down the hall, he hoped that it wasn't anything bad because he wasn't in the mood to spend the night at the hospital. All he wanted to do was go home. If he had to stay here, someone was going to be the recipient of a major rant. onto the story's conclusion .